Grew up with abusive drug induced parents, who often took it out on me as well as each other.
Due to circumstance, I recall moving around 30 times from age 5 to 12, which left very little room for friends or school. I can barely remember those parts of life.
I finally settled down for High School and told myself I would make something of myself. Though an outcast because I was poor, and wasn't popular, I still took the classes to prepare for college, went to church, and kept my head up.
When I applied for college, I wasn't eligible for most assistance, and I couldn't get loans because my parents (now gone) used my ssn for loans and such. I soon dropped out due to overwhelming credit hour requirements to fulfill loan qualifications and working 60+ hours a week.
I met a girl once, a serious girl, who I was with, traveling for 4 yrs. She finally found someone new one day and for whatever reason, had me put away in a psych ward for being "depressed and suicidal" which if were true, I wouldn't have been here today to write this.
I roamed around from place to place trying to get by, odd jobs, trains to new towns and looking to fit in. I'm 30 years old now and nothing much has changed, I haven't stayed in one place more than a couple years, I never seem to attract people, I'm unsure how to be social. I never really feel like I fit in. I'm keen at observing people around me, like happy little birds in a puddle, but I've never really felt happy. When I thought I was, I still had doubt, so I know I wasn't.
Some people have it worse - I just feel like maybe someone else struggles to see sunshine like me. Antidepressants are a joke too. SSRI's and the lot of them. Nothing works. Therapy seemed like they tried to Force happiness into me like shoving a pie in my face.
I wish I could be someone else for a change. | |
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