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I have to hurt someone and I can't stand it

Posted by anonymous at February 3, 2011
Tags: 2011 February  Relationship

Perhaps I should consider myself lucky. Not one but two wonderful women are completely in love with me.

The short version: I'm in a love triangle. I married the wrong woman, want to be with the other one, but can't stand hurting my wife, and oh yeah: she's pregnant.

I'm sure I will come off as totally selfish to some people.

8 years ago I met and fell in love with Natalie. We had a passionate relationship but things went down hill after 6 months. I tried to hold us together but eventually we broke up. I didn't see it at the time but I now see that it was mostly my fault that it fell apart.

So I ended up with another woman, Tara. She was really good to me and fun to be with and very stable. We settled into a good relationship, and after a couple years we got married. I felt like I was making a mistake but somehow I couldn't stop myself.

A year or two into our marriege I realise that I'm really still in love with Natalie. Not only that, but I've never been in love with Tara at all. I love her, but there are no romantic feelings whatsoever. I realise I've screwed up. But I don't do anything about it. Nat is married now and even has a child. She's unavailable.

Fast forward two more years. I'm still in touch with Nat from time to time, and I've been really dwelling on how much I wish it was her that I married. We're chatting and I just let it out that I'm still in love with her. She's quite shocked, but a day later she admits that she's still in love with me too. And she has the same marriage problem as me: her husband is a great guy, and she loves him very much, but she's not romantically in love with him.

I had no desire to destroy her family and she didn't either. But after a few weeks of talking about it, she realised that she wanted so badly to be with me that she is willing to divorce her husband. I want to be with her just as much so I plan to leave my wife.

But when I try to leave her, I realise how hard it is. I love her so much that I just don't have the will to hurt her like that. And then she gets pregnant by accident (there's a story behind that, but the short version is that she went off the pill when she had surgery, and then stayed off it without telling me). At first I don't want to have the child, but she does (we're in our late 30's, so this is probably her last chance). She's determined to have it, and after a while I realise that a big part of me wants it too. But my feelings about these two women hasn't changed. Now it's even harder for me to leave my wife. I can't bear the thought of her going through pregnancy and childbirth alone. So I stay.

But I continue to have a completely phone/email based relationship with Nat. It's almost like we're a couple, except we're not. Emotionally, we are cheating on our spouses.

So now I'm here: I'm married to a woman who I do love, but not romantically. She's about to have our first child. I'm still passionately in love with another woman who feels the same way about me and desperately wants to be with me. I want that relationship so much. I want romance. I want Natalie. But if I leave my wife, I'm hurting her more than I can imagine, and also giving my unborn child a broken home to be born into. If I don't leave her, it seems I'll be forever grieving missing not one, but two opportunities to be with my dream woman. Not to mention that I'm breaking Nat's heart again. How can I live with myself?

I'm paralyzed by this situation. I feel like I'm going mad.

Oh, just some icing on the cake: I've been unemployed for 7 months, and I've completely lost all my passion for the work I've been doing for 15 years. I'd like to work but I have no other skills. I'm depressed (I've had depression for 20 years), have very low self-esteem and self-confidence, and I'm ashamed and guilty about what I'm doing.

Most days I fantsize about suicide, but I know I won't do it. I just don't know what to do.

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Comments:
By anonymous at 01,Mar,11 14:01

destroying TWO life just for a fuckin love you feel with that girl!

im so sorry for you.
u have a good wife and a beauty child in future, but u are thinking about cheating!


By anonymous at 01,Mar,11 16:07

I am 38, self employed where my only work comes from a friend that wants to be compensated for it. 6 months out of the year I have no work. I have 5 kids from 3 different moms. Two are twins that i had from my first and only marriage. We were young and I moved out when they were 2. their mother and i divorced a year later. I joined the military at 25 and did all i could do to get out once i got in. Without giving it a chance, i found a way out 2 months later then realized after the fact that it wasn't that bad. Got involved with drugs which tainted me for a couple years. Had good jobs only to mess them up for no reason. After cleaning up i got another job that i liked a lot and did well at. Also settled down into a new relationship with a married woman. 5 years into new job and relationship with woman who is now pregnant, i break my arm at work and get on drugs again while out on workers comp. Girlfriend and i spilt after our new daughter is 4 months old. I start selling drugs to support my habbit and run with a huge crowd of losers. After several arrests and being put on probation i clean up again and meet new girl friend at new job where i delivered pizza. She gets pregnant after 1 month. She buys a house and we move in together. I become self employed by turning a small hobby of fixing computers into a PC house calls. Then i go into a verbal partnership with a buddy installing cabling for another buddy whom i mentioned earlier. Our only work comes from him. At times we are very busy and I make good money even after buttering his palms. Last year I have another child with same girlfriend. All the money I have made has been put away just for bills. I by no means live an extrodinary lifestyle. I have had no work now since December. All the money I had, has gone to bills that we cant even afford. We owe 205,000 on a house that is now worth 110,000. I have no future, no real skill. I have not paid into social security in more than 4 years. I have no 401k, no pension, no insurance. Nothing! I need about 40k a year just to pay my bills which includes child support, mortgage, car, cell phone and basic utilities. My credit sucks. Nothing is in my name. Anytime I have anything nice like a play station 3 or a gold necklace, I have to end up pawning sooner or later to pay a bill or buy groceries. My mom would give me everything if only she could afford it. She has helped me a lot over the years and has by all means shown her love for me. My dad has never really been around my whole life. He claims to always be broke and NEVER has offered any help. He has traveled the world and leaves for another trip around the world in April. He just got back from a month long trip. He also owns several motorcycles and constantly brags about them and his mustang while in the same breath tells me how he is broke. I have never called him out on it and likely never will. Its not that it is his responsibility to do anything for me anyways. i mean I am a grown 38 year old man but it would be nice if he tried.To sum this all up, I am depressed, feel that I have nothing to offer anyone, no future, each year passes i become older and nobody will ever pay me what i need to survive. My girl friend who is 8 years longer, shows me no love or compassion. I feel like she thinks I have ruined her life. I probally have. I love my kids and have no regrets about having them but I do know that I was irresponsible in having them and have nothing to offer them other than my love for them. After writting this and reading it back to myself it seems that i am the sole problem for my problems. I am a good person and smart but have made to many mistakes. I don't know what to do anymore.
By anonymous at 03,Mar,11 05:01

btw you should start your own story for this. anyways, damn. I know you are good man when I read that. that is something you know that you can offer. you are strong and have fought hard. I think if you can do good with your life 38 is still young man!! you can get student loans, go to school, get some training to do a trade. you could become an electrician or mechanic. get a good trade and you can make 50-60 K a year if you work hard which i know you can. again you're a good man, you really are.


By anonymous at 02,Mar,11 09:31

You are selfish and your wife deserves better. Go be with the whore!


By anonymous at 03,Mar,11 04:55

1. BE HONEST. Tell your wife, no no, take what you just wrote and print it out. Then give it to your current wife. Just be FUCKING HONEST. You know the TRUTH will set you free. Don't intend on leaving your wife. BE A MAN and live up to your promise to her: "till death do you part". IF YOU ARE NOT A MAN, Natalie will realize it and dump your ass in the end. You have low self esteem because you are not HONEST with yourself and with others. You are not a bad person, just someone who wants love. But you can be a good person if you tell the truth. Please tell your beautiful, innocent, loving wife the TRUTH.

2. JUST BE HONEST AND THE REST WILL FOLLOW....


By anonymous at 28,Aug,11 06:11

Start reading the bible, pray to god because you really need help,- just remember if you do the right thing god will be on your side and you may get better and good things will start happening in your life. but your saying you have been unemployed for 7 months?- is this 'selfish thinking' already starting to damage you alot and impacting your life negatively?
remember you reap what you sow- which means if you damage other peoples lives, you will have alot of bad karma around you- so if your 'sub conscious' is giving you trouble already about this problem then it may be a hint that you are not heading down the right path at the moment?.......God will listen to you but only if you care about those around you, and not just for your own selfish interests,...and also you must love your wife more then you realise, because you chose to marry her didnt you!


By matz crorkz at 23,Nov,14 11:26

cnLysu Wow! This can be one particular of the most helpful blogs We have ever arrive across on this subject. Actually Fantastic. I'm also an expert in this topic so I can understand your hard work.


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