Please try and read everything. I know it's very long but it would tell you a lot about my struggle.
I grew up in a very disfunctional and abusive family. Being little, I would see my dad hit and curse at my mom. He would do the same for me. I have called the cops on him before and he has changed. He no longer hits us but still remains a very narcistic and insecure person. He thrives on sarcasm and belittling others. No one in public sees this in him because as a narcisist, he appears exceedingly confident and nice. But infront of his own family, that's where he unleashes his angers and fears.
In high school, I portrayed the same value he has. I was too, very narcistic but not as quite as insecure. I got by with my semi-good looks. I was an athlete, worked out, and dressed up fairly well. But I was also very lonely and naive. I secretly remained a virgin and was never invited to parties through out high school (until this day). I never had real friends to rely on.
I barely graduated and there I was in community college. I was no longer unique and popular like I was back in high school. There's no gym where I go to school so lifting weights was no longer in my life. I also don't have a car and buses never go by neighborhood. Therefore, I walked everywhere. Former classmates and even current high school students would drive by me and I get the feeling that they are thinking to themselves "It's that guy from high school. He used to be so big and cocky in high school. Now he's just a loser! Hahaha!"
College has been the hardest and insecure years of my life. It's hard to study because our house is small and old. Everything is falling apart. My dad knocked down one of the biggest walls in the house that was built for sound proofing. he also tore out the carpets so now our house is noisy and cold.
Life at work is terrible too. I am a very hard working and thoughtful person. But growing up with an abusive parent, I am also very low on confidence and therefore I always second or even fourth guess myself. That what makes appear stupid. And because of that, I have been fired from all my jobs. Once a while, a former class mate would randomly run into me and we would pretentiously talk. I hear about internships, entrepreneurs, and working out and there I am, low as I can be.
I recently got a tattoo excision on my collar bone (another one of my stupid decisions). I now have a fat scar that seems to never heal. I have a weak spot. My left shoulder is now higher that the other and playing sports and looking attractive is no longer a strong point for me. I feel so unmasculine.
I went from a a semi-decent/potentially good looking and talented guy into a deadbeat loser. Premature balding and skinny fat with no future ahead. I have tried positive thinking, religion, philosophy, and even therapy. But I am convinced that nothing will help. I feel that death is my only salvation from an unsuccessful and embarrassing life.