I am a 36yo guy. I come from a good family, never abused, no fkd up childhood or anything. But i ended up partying alot as a kid and by the time i was 18 i was trying heroin and within a short period of time i was a junkie. I managed to support my habit for 10 years or so by stealing from my family mostly after i had lost everything i had. They were amazingly understanding and just wanted to see me get better as anyone would. Eventually they had no choice but to press charges because it was the only way to protect themselves. I spent 5 years in prison and it was the best thing that could have happened to me.I never touched it again after in was released in 2006. I was extremely excited about my future at this point...
Unfortunately i began drinking heavily and drank between a pint and a 5th of bourbon every night for the first year and a half i was out. But i was doing great, i had a good job, and apt and a g/f. But i had contracted hep-c as a result of my drug use and alcohol is like pouring gas on a fire when you have a liver disease. So eventually i was able to get off the booze...anyway, fast forward to now..
I am not a 36 yo man that is unemployed bc i got injured and could no longer work at construction. I don't know exactly how bad my heath really is, although considering ive had hep-c for about 10 years now and 3 of those years were literally spent drinking heavily and daily. So i imagine not good, i see physical signs of liver problems, but i have no insurance, nor money, nor even a family practitioner anymore(another story) t find out hoe bad things really are. But i cannot find work in this economy. I have no real job history and nothing past a hs diploma. I have 9 felony convictions though, which pretty much prevents me from getting even a first interview, and these are all kid jobs basically as i have no qualifications to apply for anything that might actually support me.
Bottom line, the only things i have to look forward to in my life is watching the only people i care about and care about me die and then growing sicker and dying myself. Which begs the question why bother???
Do i really want to trudge through more of this miserable life just to have the pleasure of more pain and suffering? I have no real friends of a g/f these days. When i have a problem, or just need someone to talk to, i have no one... I am always on the verge of tears. All it takes is to think a few seconds about my life and i can start bawling... I've never been like this before, and i find myself desperately looking for anything to occupy my mind because thats the only time im not thinking about how pointless my existence is. I basically live just to do nice things for people. Thats about the best i can hope to do, but as i have no one i really consider a true friend(my best friends all died of overdoses while i was in prison). But i even end up getting upset doing this because i realize they're just taking advantage of my generosity. I feel there is no point in trying to work towards a new career or even finding a new g/f because while i don't know exactly how bad my health is, i feel certain i have damaged it beyond the point any medication could save it, so i just try to not put anything in my body that is hard on the liver. SO i don't see a point to invest what little time i have left working towards a career that i will never get to enjoy and as far as a relationship, which i long for, i don't feel its fair to fall in love with someone, and moreover, have them care about me, knowing they are just going to have to watch my slowly get sick and die. Thats not fair to put someone through that kind of pain on purpose.
So as you see, i truly don't see even the possibility that something good might happen in the future. All i have coming is pain and sorrow.
I could go on for ever, but im sure you get the idea...I'n not thinking about ending it anytime soon. I just figure that ill hang in there until things just get so bad that life becomes completely unbearable. But it does give me a surprisingly amount of comfort knowing i can always end it and NOT have to go through all that crap...
I'm not looking for pity or anything..just advice. This is how i feel, and i completely accept that this is the life i made for myself due to my choices when i was younger. If i would have taken life more seriously and listened to what people that cared about me were saying, i would be just fine right now. But due to my choices, most doors are closed to me and i'm basically trying to make the best out of what little i have. I can't even get a job at McDonald because these days so man people are applying for jobs that someone with a bunch of theft and drug related felonies immediately goes in the trash because there's plenty of people to choose from that are more qualified, AND have clean records. So why would they hire a thief, if they don't have to? Its sad, but its reality... I'm sure i'd do the same ting in their shoes though.
Anyway, can anyone relate to where i'm at here?
Thanks for reading my story!