LIFE SUCKS

why is it like this........?

I'm 22. male. I'm moderately to quite attractive (at least I've been told). I'm very intelligent, but I'm even more shy...whenever I talk with a girl/woman, I blush and stutter and fidgit and make a fool of myself. I never know what to say, and my mouth gets all dry so it sounds like my lips are sticky as flypaper. All my life I've had friends, and then they leave, and I'm left alone. Elementary school friends went to another school and we only hung out once or twice after middle school started. Middle school friends went to another high school and never returned my calls. In highschool I guess i was somewhat of a nerd. my only friends were the smart kids--nerds, dorks, geeks, whathaveyou--and the stoners. The stoners really fucked me up. As I grew closer to them, I lost touch with the smart kids, who were my real friends. The stoners only liked me because I had weed. Whenever they had any weed or beer, I wasn't invited, but when I had any, they would knock down my door to get some. I had one girlfriend in highschool. We were together for two years. I loved her. I sacrificed all my other friends for her. She was going to move in with me at my parent's house while we worked until we could afford to move into the city. She dissappeared shortly after graduation--wouldn't return my calls, locked the door when I came knocking. And I never did anything wrong...never yelled at her, never even argued. Never would have dreamed of hitting her or putting her down. I was just tender and loving and caring and she left me. Years later, I ran into her again downtown, and she told me that she was afraid of the commitment. But that rejection turned me from an ordinary everyday loner into someone that seriously hated the human race and tried to distance myself as much as possible from people. This type of attitude lasted for a couple years, until the start of my junior year in college. Then, I just started to get intensely lonely, to the point that I would just hug myself as tight as i could and cry myself to sleep night after night. The crying stopped after a while, but I had been out of the social crowd for so long, and not only out of it but downright rejecting it, that I don't know how to get back in. For the past two years, I have been trying to get a girlfriend, or at least a friend, or even a bandmate that I can jam with on weekends, but i've failed in all respects. Everyone seems to have their little lives in order and can't fit me in. During school, or at a bar or club or concert, or on the train, I always have these fantasies that the girl in the next seat is looking at me, trying to catch my eye, but when I look over at her, she avoids eye contact, looks away, and ignores me. She was never looking at me. When I try to talk to a girl, she acts like I'm bothering her, or I stutter and blow it. I did have this one lab partner this last semester, but she said that she wanted to concentrate on the lab and that we should get together during the summer, but she has never called me back. That is how it always seems to be. Once I'm out of the picture, people immediately forget about me, like I was a dream, like I'm not real. Add to this the fact that my family to totally fucked up and there's a lot of hostility around them, I really am alone. Most days I just wake up, go to work, come home and practice my drums or read a book or listen to music on youtube and go to sleep alone. On weekends I kill time by cooking complicated meals that take most of the day to prepare just to kill time. Now I'm afraid that I'm going to be alone until the day that I decide to end it all.
Sorry this is so long. If you read it this far, thanks for listening.