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This is most likely the end for me

Posted by Tom at July 6, 2011
Tags: Attitude  2011 July  Money  Unemployment

I am 38 years old next month. My life started out okay, so maybe I will just work backwards. I sleep in a buddy's spare room because I can no longer afford to pay rent. I have been unemployed for two years. I will have to move out of my buddy's room because he just lost his job and needs someone to pay rent on it. Which I can't do. I should be a teacher, but I owe my school some money I can't afford to pay them, so I cannot finish my student teaching. Now I owe the government a few grand, which I can't pay, for a degree I will never have. About 7-8 months ago, I found out the love of my life was cheating on me, so I kicked her out. She is the only person I ever thought really loved me and understood me and I was completely wrong about that. I haven't talked to her since. My mom just had open-heart surgery, and I am stuck on the West coast because I cannot afford to go see her. I am obese, about 100 lb. overweight, I look like I'm in my late forties. I am an alcoholic. In fact, after writing this, I am going to go buy a bottle of cheap liquor with the money I made from tutoring this week. I smoke, too, and I feel terrible all the time. There is no reason to improve myself, or my health, because nothing I have ever done or will ever do will make any difference on the script of nothingness that has been laid out before me. I used to be a heroin addict, and if I could afford and find it, I'd snort as much of it as I could until I simply died. I am afraid to kill myself; because it would hurt (not because I believe in hell), and because maybe tomorrow won't be so bad. But in the last year alone, life has only gotten harder, and less pleasant, and blacker than I can ever remember. My days have NOT gotten better. All my ridiculous "friends" keep spouting that shit whenever I complain... "It'll get better, blah blah," but IT HAS NOT. My life is a ruin. I exist, but I have not lived in a long time. I have nowhere to go when I get kicked out of here by my former friend. I cannot stay with anyone else, everyone is my family is just as worthless as me. I hate them. And, anyone reading this who has had even a moment of happiness in their lives, I hate you too. I used to be like you. Now, I have no feelings left in my life except fear, loneliness, regret, and hate. I have no joy in my life, no sex (except with prostitutes when I can afford them), no close loved ones, no possibility of working ever again, and no hope. I wonder how much longer I can do this until I finally man up and end it. Guess I'll have another fucking drink and think about it. Thanks for reading... no matter how awful you feel, there's at least one person out there who is as bad or worse. That's me.


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Comments:
By anonymous at 12,Aug,11 15:09

that's interesting, because I am depressed now about the hell that my daughter is putting me though. crap, i cannot even control the hell she is putting me through at least you can do things like get a job, or something.
By anonymous at 14,Aug,11 01:35

What is your daughter doing to you? I hope it is nothing serious. I did get a job, despite my beliefs to the contrary. If that happened, well, shit, anything is possible. Thank you for commenting, and I hope things get better for you too.


By anonymous at 12,Aug,11 15:22

That sounds pretty terrible. But to be honest, I agree with the previous post: it sounds like you can do things to improve your situation. Yes, you owe a couple grand, but there are people who owe 100 grand in student lones. A few grand is not nice, but it is manageable.

Unfortunately, you are in a vicious downward sprial: you are depressed, so you abuse your body, which creates more problems, which makes you more depressed... etc. This may sound simplistic, but every positive action you take will help get you out of the hell hole you are in. You need to stop drinking, stop smoking, and stop doing drugs. Get yourself a job, even if it is not a great one at first. (It sounds like you already have some tutoring work... that's a good start)

Even if you have no where to go, you can always go to a shelter... which I'm sure will kind of suck... but it's just a place to put your head. Then work your way up from there.... or try to get into subsidized housing. There are options. Get yourself to a starting point and work your way up. Think about it... you have possibilities.

If you owe the government a few grand, you may as well borrow a few more to finish your student teaching, and live in a residence of some kind while you finish. Then at least you will have a degree.

The possibilities are really endless... you may feel alone, but think about it... you don't seem to have strings attached to anyone, so that may give you some freedom to do whatever you want. Think about people in your situation who have families to support, and how the families suffer. You don't have those obligations at the moment, so there is less to lose.
By anonymous at 14,Aug,11 01:33

Thank you for your comment. I really do understand what I am doing to myself. But in the last month, I have got a job, but I am still abusing myself. I need to get help, still, but I am feeling better and my situation has improved somewhat. I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me... and for helping.
By anonymous at 15,Aug,11 17:02

I'm really glad things are improving. I myself am also getting through a hard time in my life. But one thing I've learned is that every trial you go through in life can either destroy you or make you stronger. And it really is your choice. All the best, and I'm glad you posted, and I'm also glad that you told me how things are going.
By anonymous at 23,Dec,11 19:21

Thru the dark they will b a brighter day. No job no lyf bt I no that I will get 1. And my luck will change..ps wish me luck lol


By anonymous at 12,Aug,11 20:52

I implore you to print out what you have written here and bring it to the emergency room. You sound like you are in serious danger of killing yourself. I speak from experience: with medication and/or talk therapy you CAN feel happiness one day. And if you kill yourself, you won't get a chance to feel happy and I guarantee you will absolutely devastate at least dozens of people, some that you would never even imagine would care, beyond all belief. they will carry the burden of the pain that you are feeling for a very very long time. the grief that you will leave them with will be the worst and most complex type. they will be wracked with guilt and questions and sadness that they weren't good enough to help you in your darkest hour. and when they aren't blaming themselves--this in the midst of a terrifying grief and shock due to your untimely death-they will start to blame others in an unfair way. If you can't get help for you-please do it if you give even the tiniest shit for anyone else.
By anonymous at 14,Aug,11 01:32

Thanks for your encouragement. I wrote this a little over a month ago, and it just posted a day after my birthday. I have a job now, a pretty good one. I am still drinking, but in a happier place. I appreciate your kindness, and thanks again. Therapy is in my future, when I can afford it. Suicide is not in my near future.
By anonymous at 15,Aug,11 21:40

Not that I'm a pro or anything as I'm going through some problems with my marriage and am stuck cause the new York city agence that i work for will allow her to take me to the cleaners but what found makes me feel better is running. Very theraputic also I changed my diet and didn't eat carbs for a month lost 30lbs I've gon fro 280 to 230 in a year tryst it's not perfect but can make you feel a little better
By anonymous at 16,Aug,11 00:17

I am pretty sure I need pro-help with my diet, when I can afford it. But good job on the weight loss! And good luck with your marriage; you'll get through it. Have a good night.


By anonymous at 17,Aug,11 14:44

Die MotherFucker Die !!


By anonymous at 30,Aug,11 22:17

i am so happy for you that you are in a place where you believe happiness is in your future and suicide is not. Hang in there and i'm really happy for you that life is better than it was. call if you ever want to talk to live person who does give a shit...let me know if you want, i'll send you my ph. no.


By anonymous at 08,Sep,11 14:21

Its sadly funny that I even took the time to google life sucks and being unemployed. I used to be at the top of my game. made 6 figures, loved life, being busy, had so many friends and was the golden girl of my family. then the market tanked and i swear someone put a curse on my and my family, likely his xwife because she takes all of our money and spends her life trying to make ours miserable. anyway, im living at my moms one bedroom apt with my husband 2 dogs a cat and the neighborhood has a bunch of domestic violence and gun shots constantly. so what i say to you is someday you will die and i could write more details about how awful i feel right now about myself and that in a way im giving up but i try to find that perspective that sounds like bullshit but the perspective that "everything does happen for a reason, you will survive" dont ever kill yourself, none of us are getting out of here alive so use your time wisely. i suppose im sending this message to me as much as to you. we have to rise above it and some days we cannot. instead of a prostitue, masterbate, its free. use that money to see a doctor and consider that you might be depressed. heroin killed my cousin at 25 and trust me he didnt want to die. what would you do tomorrow if you were diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and a week to live. don't waste your life. your smart enough to write how you feel and that is healing but heal yourself first and the rest will work for you. my heart goes out to you and all of the others that went from great to okay to feeling like hell. lets all figure out how to pick ourselves up again.
By anonymous at 23,Dec,11 19:17

Well said... Well sumhw I thought only my life sucks lol well I guess not. I'm 21 no job tryed lukin 4 1 no luck..damn I reli wana start my lyf bt it is hard..well I guess I jus hav 2 keep trying n mayb 1day I wid get wat I want. I cum frm a rich family. An that wasn't a gud thing. Because wen I was in skwl I neva wry bout my future or wat wid I b doing. Yes I did pass matric and did study few courses bt I guess I'm jus meant 2 b lyk this.lol I hav frend 2many. Bt wen days r dark frends r few I leart sumthing that if I want sumthing I havta get it myself so 2012. I'm goin all out. I will make it jus waitin for my luck 2 change 4the better


By anonymous at 08,Sep,11 22:16

hey, you've taken the first step towards changing your life by getting a job you love so i know you can change also being an alcoholic, so good luck! just hang in there okay? i know its hard at first but don't lose hope, we're praying for you! :)


By anonymous at 19,Sep,11 20:48

Your life is not that bad, The choices you are making is what is bad. You are so close to your degree and you are going to throw it all away. Get out and work three jobs if you have to save money to pay for your student teaching. Finsh one goal at a time, you are 38 you still have alot of living to do. Take care of yourslef, find a way to love your slef. Let God in your heart, find a good church, because what you are doing now is not working, God can only make it better. You sound like you are smart, but somewhat lazy. Make amend with your friends and family admit you were wrong start over with the people that love you. You would be surprised how three little words can change how people feel when you mean it. "I am sorry". Give God and chance, keep you in my prayers.


By david at 29,Jun,12 14:01

Anonymous Posted on Go Christian! So now you can stop your crabbing bcseuae I am commenting! I am so glad it works now. You better be backing your info up. Out of all people in this world I would think that you would have had this done already. I guess that old saying about assuming is correct!


By Lurraine at 15,May,17 01:54

Ah you mean Falling Do8w&#w230;nell I can safely say Falling Down is a better movie than this one…but I don’t know…I just didn’t think it was that bad.


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