I am 38 years old next month. My life started out okay, so maybe I will just work backwards. I sleep in a buddy's spare room because I can no longer afford to pay rent. I have been unemployed for two years. I will have to move out of my buddy's room because he just lost his job and needs someone to pay rent on it. Which I can't do. I should be a teacher, but I owe my school some money I can't afford to pay them, so I cannot finish my student teaching. Now I owe the government a few grand, which I can't pay, for a degree I will never have. About 7-8 months ago, I found out the love of my life was cheating on me, so I kicked her out. She is the only person I ever thought really loved me and understood me and I was completely wrong about that. I haven't talked to her since. My mom just had open-heart surgery, and I am stuck on the West coast because I cannot afford to go see her. I am obese, about 100 lb. overweight, I look like I'm in my late forties. I am an alcoholic. In fact, after writing this, I am going to go buy a bottle of cheap liquor with the money I made from tutoring this week. I smoke, too, and I feel terrible all the time. There is no reason to improve myself, or my health, because nothing I have ever done or will ever do will make any difference on the script of nothingness that has been laid out before me. I used to be a heroin addict, and if I could afford and find it, I'd snort as much of it as I could until I simply died. I am afraid to kill myself; because it would hurt (not because I believe in hell), and because maybe tomorrow won't be so bad. But in the last year alone, life has only gotten harder, and less pleasant, and blacker than I can ever remember. My days have NOT gotten better. All my ridiculous "friends" keep spouting that shit whenever I complain... "It'll get better, blah blah," but IT HAS NOT. My life is a ruin. I exist, but I have not lived in a long time. I have nowhere to go when I get kicked out of here by my former friend. I cannot stay with anyone else, everyone is my family is just as worthless as me. I hate them. And, anyone reading this who has had even a moment of happiness in their lives, I hate you too. I used to be like you. Now, I have no feelings left in my life except fear, loneliness, regret, and hate. I have no joy in my life, no sex (except with prostitutes when I can afford them), no close loved ones, no possibility of working ever again, and no hope. I wonder how much longer I can do this until I finally man up and end it. Guess I'll have another fucking drink and think about it. Thanks for reading... no matter how awful you feel, there's at least one person out there who is as bad or worse. That's me.