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Posted by Thomas at July 8, 2011
Tags: 2011 July  Loneliness

I've really only had one girlfriend I connected with and she cheated on me, I'm 20 I've been with one girl sexually kissed a few others at most. I deployed to Iraq where I ended up killing 11 people.. thats insanly hard to coup with, knowing I ended 11 lives and ruined 11 families.. I saw my buddy breathe his last breathe when and IED struk our truck. I have 2 purple hearts and my family acts like it's no big deal. I have 2-3 good friends, no best friend, no group of people I can hang out with. No girls even seem to show interest in me other then being a friend. I have a bottle of sleeping pills and every day I just keep thinking how easy it would be to end it. I don't see my family much and I don't feel the family bond with them... I resort to using the internet to make friends because I'm to scared to go out and make new friends or talk to girls I think are cute. I'm not the best looking ever and really have no future. I'm horrible when it comes to school but the military is going to kick me out because with how bad my injuries were i can no longer serve... I feel lonely all the time and just feel like all my good days of being accepted are behind me...


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By Missy at 12,Aug,11 15:29

Thomas talk to me I am a cute girl with brown red hair I am 20 and i seved in th USAF in Afganistan. I am on leave. It for R&R I have away from for the last 2 years. Don't worry and please do not try and end it Iw ill give my e0mail address and it you pro file thi sall you would is my EX-boyfreind who beat and almost when he beat me and left for dead. I was found by a freind near death.


By anonymous at 12,Aug,11 19:26

Wow, this really really does suck. Please hang in there, man. There's somebody out there for you and you don't want to miss them. This is a dark time, but it won't last. Most things in life don't last, so why should this be any different? Thanks for your service to our country, and remember that while you did pull the trigger, you are not in complete control of what happened. Other decisions, fate, and decades of history led to that day. I think we all have a time when we're supposed to die. It was their time, and it was awful that you had to be in the situation that contributed to it. We do what we have to do. And you don't know the affect killing those people had. It's possible that one of those men you killed would have gone on to kill 100.

Your good days are NOT behind you. And hey, at least you've had a girlfriend. (I haven't.) That means you can love, so you will probably love again.

I believe there is evil in the world. It sounds like you've seen it firsthand. I believe that darkness wants to take deep, brave people out so that they can't fight anymore. It's gunning for you hard, so obviously you're a threat. It doesn't want you around to affect the future and let your experiences help you relate to other people who are hurting. It doesn't want you to possibly save a life. Don't let those dark bastards win. :)


By anonymous at 12,Aug,11 20:55

I implore you to print out what you have written here and bring it to the emergency room. You sound like you are in serious danger of killing yourself. I speak from experience: with medication and/or talk therapy you CAN feel happiness one day. And if you kill yourself, you won't get a chance to feel happy and I guarantee you will absolutely devastate at least dozens of people, some that you would never even imagine would care, beyond all belief. they will carry the burden of the pain that you are feeling for a very very long time. the grief that you will leave them with will be the worst and most complex type. they will be wracked with guilt and questions and sadness that they weren't good enough to help you in your darkest hour. and when they aren't blaming themselves--this in the midst of a terrifying grief and shock due to your untimely death-they will start to blame others in an unfair way. If you can't get help for you-please do it if you give even the tiniest shit for anyone else.


By anonymous at 12,Aug,11 22:31

how sad. I am 63 and lost my special love five years ago. I can tell you. Please hang in there. I thought my life was over when I was 24 and then she came into my life. I had a wonderful marriage, two wonderful kids, and thought life was super. Can't explain how my life changed after I found my wife. I was 31 when we married. I keep thinking how I would have missed all the wonderful experiences we shared. I know where you are coming from because I am a Vietnam vet who saw my share of evil. I tried to shut it out but couldn't. I was on the verge of calling it quits when I met someone who helped me through my pain. Please seek out someone to help you. You sound like a fine young man who has done more in your short life than many twice your age. Listen to others who encourages you to not give up. Hang in there, man. I appreciate your sacrifice, and feel your pain.


By cookeimonster70.myopenid.com at 13,Aug,11 18:00

First of all let me say that you are one of my heros for the service you have given you your country. Thanks so much for your service. I can relate to you because I to have only had one girlfriend and she also cheated on me. I was your age at the time. I pray that you will be able to find hapiness before it is to late like I have done. You sound so much like I felt decades ago. Hang in there budddy you can find what you need if you are not to afraid of getting hurt like I was. I don't even know you but I love you buddy.


By anonymous at 15,Aug,11 10:57

Go to college and learn to be a writer. Tell your story through a film or a book. Thats what Oliver Stone did.


By anonymous at 15,Aug,11 17:46

Fucked up. Only 20 and sent to war. A purple heart is a high honor and nobody is impressed? Fuck them! Now you're injured and just thrown away, what did you get, I mean so young too. The military disgusts me, this is wrong.


By anonymous at 16,Aug,11 17:11

Maybe you can find the families of the people that you killed and devote yourself to filling the void you left in their lives.
By anonymous at 18,Aug,11 12:26

yeah that'll end his pain for sure, go to Iraq as a civilian and and suck up to the families of the ragheads he killed
By anonymous at 20,Aug,11 02:29

Well that's not helpful. Either of you. It's not a film where you can be Bill Murray or someone going around the world to retrace his life with wonderful consequences. And being a bully in a playground isn't much good either. This is life, and everybody's real, and such a task involves flights and customs and massive social, cultural, political and emotional barriers.

Hang in there man. You have thoughts, feelings and interests and guilt can't take them all away unless you deserve it, and you don't. You can't erase things but you can come to terms with them. Learn to understand what happened and where your involvement begins and ends so you can move on from it. The army has had it's cold use of you but it's not your responsibility, you were pushed into the situations you faced. You just have to learn that.

Try and eat well and stay in shape even if you can't bring yourself to joy. You need your health and energy to start with. Talk to that cute girl above! Talk to a professional and think of the Vietnam veteran. Talk to some of those people if they're able for it. They're experienced.

Good luck.


By anonymous at 17,Aug,11 07:27

Dont do that pall, you go there they fucking kill ya. think this you ended 11 lives well they were going to end yours, DONT WORRY GOD DOESNT EXIST so your only problem is guilt. But thats ok means you still human. About the army, they use you and then dump you like a bitch, great isnt it. Take the pieces of your life and do your best with it. From now on all your mistake are justified becouse you cant be more fucked up, soo good luck soldier.


By anonymous at 17,Aug,11 15:39

Well..yes things do suck for you..maybe im not in the exact same situation but i understand how every little thing brings you even closer to hitting the edge. The thing is..when i finally hit my darkest day, o the verge of taking everything away from myself..i remembered something. why was i given this shitty life? and i started thinking about the things i wish id had and the type of friend i wihs i had and the places i always wanted to go...and i realized how narrow and hollow my life was. my life sucked because i created it to suck. its just like you. you choose to go to iraq, you choose to hang around the same people who actually just piss you off because they aren't good enough, you choose to let your family get to you when they act like they dont care. sounds to me like to haven't lived yet... instead, ditch all the assholes who dont care about you, take yourself somewhere..away..and find a new life where you can be a new person, and no ones knows who you are, you can be whoever you want. you have done something that most people in this world can't say they have done, and that is literally giving your life to help the millions back home (people who you don't even know) you are more worthy for a happy life than most people i have ever known. get your shit together, take a year off and find a crappy job in some other place and go out there and see the world from a new point of view. and dont bring anyone, do this alone, that way you can do things your way. it doesnt matter if its just a long vacation or maybe you end up loving your adventure so much you never actually come home and thats okay (thats what i did). this life we have is weird and there are so many different ways to live it. i never realized that until my potential last moments in this place. learn, grow, and wake-up..go out there..and dont be 'Thomas'...be you


By anonymous at 20,Aug,11 11:11

Dear Brother,

Thank you for your selfless service. War, whether on the battlefield in Iraq or in our minds can rage on with no plan. There is no simple answer to your pain and fear. As you learned courage is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to do what needs to be done in spite of it.
Not many people can understand where you have been, but they offer their advise anyway creating more confusion and frustration. I have been in some bad places in my life. I have been in the lowest place of all. I have tried everything in my own strength to bury and kill the pain and nothing worked. Until Jesus. I am not talking about a circle of prayers, or becoming a religious robot. I am speaking of the only true and living God. A personal relationship with Jesus. No promises that it will be easy, but promises you have a great and awesome friend who becomes your strength and your peace....yet He leaves the choice to follow Him up to us. Jeremiah 29:11-14a. Peace brother.


By anonymous at 20,Aug,11 15:49

First, thank you for your service, you're appreciated. I hope you know that.
I haven't kissed a guy or had sex in a long time, and I'm older than you. Try not to let the internet be your source for friends, which I have to stop too. You've done a lot at a young age, don't quit now!


By anonymous at 22,Aug,11 10:52

Understand buddy. I was 19 when I got deployed in 2003 to Iraq. Spent my 20th birthday in fallujah. Don't wanna remember the people I took. Lost a lot of fella Marines. Many times almost gotten killed. Frag sharpel nimp my leg, but that doesn't count for a purple heart.

Instead, I came home and got out with nothing but nightmares. And pester of questions from everyone, wondering if I killed anyone.

I don't have a life now either. Nor girlfriend. Everyday I wake up wishing I should've been killed there in that field.

You're not alone. Keep your head up.


By anonymous at 27,Aug,11 11:57

dont think much about that and you learn from your mistake. all you need to do is say God 4 giv me 10 time every night and when you wake say in your name(God)i wake up and in a week or 2 everythink will be alright. rem say it from you heart. onother thing you can giv a dollar to some one who really needs or buy a kid something he likes and tel the child to pray for you. pls you are yound and make the best of you live and forget the past.


By anonymous at 01,Nov,11 23:00

you are only 20. you are SO young. people like veterans and often favor them in hiring.

If you can get over the killings you committed you still have a full life ahead of you. You have a good opportunity to learn. i think you might be alright. If I could trade places with you, I think I would.


By Mike at 29,Nov,11 15:04

My friend life sucks.No question about it i know i can not do or say much from here but ill tell you this.I´m not sorry for you, i am proud.You serve you country well, fight like a man and still manage to come home.By doing so you live your life day by day in world as all we know is a bitch.But for all of us each day is a struggle,no matter the circumstances no matter how big problems are we always have our duels and fight to make.Some are fished, some are still to come.So don´t give up.Not for us not for your family but for you and you only.Because if you do that you will see that there is much to live in your life than is in ours.Stay safe,regards. Michael.


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