I'm 14. I moved 3 times recently. Lost a lot of friends. Don't have many friends on Facebook (the only way to keep in touch when I've moved). They just stopped talking to me because I wasn't important enough. I wasn't even important before I moved anyways. I ALWAYS have to start the conversation. Most of the time to get no reply at all or just a few thoughtless words. Never really hung out with friends before I moved because my parents wouldn't let me. I was that kid who tried to be really cool and never quite cut it. They just made fun of me. Never had really good friends but just a lot of acquaintances. When I moved, I was basically forgotten. Then I moved to a place where I didn't fit in at all. Everyone was just perfect and I wasn't cool enough. Stayed in my room after school, before school, weekends, holidays. Still talked to people at school and sat with people at lunch. It's like I'm good. Just not good enough. I did a lot of stupid bad things to take up my time and make me forget how alone I was. I didn't even realize life sucked too much. When I left and moved again, I decided things needed to change. I went to my new school and became everything I don't want to be. No one really liked me and I didn't really like them. I was very mean and always talked bad about them behind their backs. I always tried to make people feel sorry for me. I didn't really have too many friends and people talked about me behind my back. I tried to act really cool of course and like I was too good for everyone even though I was just the same. Did a lot of stupid things to take the pain away like drink every week. I cried almost all the time when I was alone. When I was alone, I would cry about how I was alone. When I went out with friends, I complained about how annoying they were. Havent had a boyfriend for 3-4 years. In the end, I didn't even have the energy to talk to people anymore. In school, I would have sudden bursts of sadness and just not talk to anyone. This lasted 2 years. I waited for those 2 years to be over so I could finally leave that hell and move on to be someone I wanted to be. And now here I am. It's summer. And I'm back where I was born and trying to hang out with old friends and my cousins. But my cousins leave every night to see boys and my friends I don't even talk to much anymore. And it really does bug me that I always have to start the conversation or they end the conversation. I thought about how these past couple years have been horrible and this summer has to fix it. But I've just been bored and alone. And pretty much every year of my life is the worst year ever for me. Throughout everything I've been suicidal, depressed, bipolar, had my crazy parents bug me about everything, had weight issues. I'm not pretty and that doesn't help either. I'm short. People always make fun of me and my nose and my height. I know it shouldnt bug me, but it does. I don't know to be myself. I don't see the point to living at all. Everything I try to do to go back to normal or happy, fails and I end up miserable. Every little thing that goes wrong or every little thing that someone does I blow up. I can't stand anything or anyone. No one really likes me because I'm not cool. I don't think I can do this much longer. Plus the pressure and work and yelling from school and the pressure to be a perfect barbie doll. I know it's my fault. I know there's something wrong with me. I know there's nothing good about me. I just don't know how to fix it. I don't think I can. So I'm just wasting food, life, resources for someone who needs it. Every day I wake up and check my mail for nothing and I check my phone and nothing. The only calls I get are from my parents. And I have to go to school with people I kinda know and they don't like me an it's going to be a living hell. It's really not going to get better. On facebook, no friends, no messages, no comments. | |
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