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I am so (dreadfully) lonely

Posted by Kaybee at July 29, 2011
Tags: 2011 July  Loneliness

I am going through a very lonely and depressive phase. I Googled in "I am lonely" and I found this wonderful forum to share my loneliness with many lonely hearts.

Hmmm... Where do I start…. Well...
I am 28 years old and run a small clothes shop, which I opened last year on August. I have a credit card debt of $2000 which may not a lot for many, but it is lot for me because I am an Indian and it amounts to a lot for us and especially when the returns of the shop is not so much...but this is not the cause of my loneliness, just my depression.

I've had good childhood unlike many here. I am the youngest amongst the 4 siblings. My father held a good government post. He is retired now. My mother runs her own private school. My two older brothers are married and well settled in life. My older sister got married last April.
I've always been a peculiar since childhood. I used to love to sit alone and draw and read a lot. I wasn't exactly anti-social or shy but I preferred my own company with story books and art. I was a bright and preoccupied child.
Growing up, I had few close friends and many playmates. I grew up with this friend of mine who was also my cousin. So as we grew up together and were in the same class, we became life long friends and were also more like sisters...
I also have other 2 close friends, one from school and another from college but they are working in different places, far from here.

I've had my share of rebel and fights with my family...but now looking back, they don't mean much so I won't emphasize on those parts...

I am good looking. Not boasting but I get random compliments from strangers and everyone around tells me but I never ride on my looks. I am also pretty intelligent, which I am proud of, may be I am boasting a bit now... I'd prefer people regard me as intelligent but ugly rather than beautiful but dumb. My looks are on the cute side. Though I am Indian, I am of mongoloid race. I look half my age to most people, which I am secretly happy about... I also like "young" things like I am into K-Pop, Anime, doll collection and stuffs. So I brand myself with Peter Pan Syndrome and I am not ashamed about it. To put it simple, I am a bit different than most people.

Okay, I have had no relationship till date! I just didn't meet "the one" with whom I want to spend my life with. I fell in love once with my college mate but he came from a different country and went back after his graduation. We were good friend and I only told him about my feelings before he left and he told me that he never felt anything but friendship for me. My friends and I gave him enough clues and yet he never approached me so nothing could have ever happen between us...

There has been a dry spell in my life without any crushes…Hmmm…I do have occasional crushes on K-Pop stars and Korean drama/ film actors… Pathetic, I know…Yes, a looser. ^_^

Men shows interest in me but they never really approach me. My friends tell me that I can be intimidating for some men and also I give sisterly vibe! I am very old fashioned when it comes to romance. I think men should approach first but so far no one did! The men I like, never looks at me and the men I don’t like, gives me the looks. I want to have meaningful relationship and I guess I am one of the few who waits… Don’t get me wrong, I am not judgemental nor are my expectations too high…it is just that I never found anybody so far!!! It could also be because I don’t socialize much…

I am dreadfully lonely these days. Some days I get so depressive that I feel like dying.
The friend I mentioned above, my friend who is also my cousin, recently committed suicide. I’ve been listless ever since…Not a day passes by, I think of her… She was my biggest supporter, my strength, my confidante, my sister…
She used to suffer from bouts of depression. She had a heart ailment for which she took heavy doses of medicines. Everything was on her side and yet she was an unhappy person. She came from a very rich and affluent family from our society. She had a wonderful high ranking Government job. A cute little dog. She also opened her Book store, a dream project that she wanted to do for a long time. She was engaged to be married to a wonderful man whom she loved…and yet…one little fight with her mother made her overdose on her medication….
I regret that I couldn’t be good to her before she died. I was actually avoiding her because her depression and constant complaints about every little thing was dawning on to me. I tried to counsel her and even told her to seek help and sent her many self help links…5 days before she died, I had fight with her, a silly one…and I regret so much that I fought with her and wasn’t there for her during her last moments… She sent me “I am sorry” message and I didn’t even reply to her…

I have 2 homes, one in our native village and one the town I am living in at present. Since my father retired, my parents have shifted to the village. My oldest brother has his business set up there and he is settled there. My second older brother who is a Govt. employee works in a different place. My sister married and moved with her husband.
I live with my 7 dogs and 2 helpers (domestic helps are easily available in India and no I am not rich) in this house, alone….

No friends, no activity partner.
My other 2 friends are in different places and every time I call them, I don’t want to sound pathetic as I always tend to pour out my heart these days. I am feeling that they are getting tired of me…
My town is very small and we have basically nothing much going around here…

I take photography and into internet, yet I am alone…. I have no one to share my feelings and do stuffs together…talk about my dreams…share small talks…

As I am a bit different in my outlook, thoughts and choices, people already get tired of me and to find friends who understand me are very few…
At this age and time it is very hard to find true friends…I have many acquaintances but no true friends around me…. Also since mine is a home based job, where I order online from outside, I am permanently glued to my desk and chair…
I have no boyfriend, no soul mate, or no husband to share my life with and staying in a small town and reaching my prime, I doubt whether I will ever find anyone special…
All my old friends from school and colleges are either married with kids or are living their own busy life. If we at all meet, I am not in their league or nor do we have anything in common to form any bond now…
My town is also confining me more to my room…
The 2 helpers and my cute 7 dogs also can’t fill the void in my heart…
My family has also moved on in different direction with their respective life and suddenly I feel so vulnerable and lonely…My only friend with whom I shared everything is gone…
My credit card debt also confines me to this place for another 2/3 months….I can’t afford to move away from this town. I want to travel but I have no one to travel with and India is one of the most unsafe places for single lady traveller…
Life suddenly has become so dark, gloomy and lonely…
Even if I try to pay attention to positive points in life and draw my happiness from there but deep down, I am just a lonely soul…

Since my friend passed away, my mental state also is not healthy…I may break down any time soon…
My loneliness has become infinite!

Till I can afford to go to a bigger town and find a therapist, I am ranting here.
Thank you so much for hearing me out. English is not my first language so sorry about spelling and grammatical errors.


Votes:


Similar Entries:
Just sad and lonely October 26, 2011
girl November 11, 2011
why m i so lonely  June 25, 2011
untitled story August 26, 2011
Mrs Lonely  February 23, 2012



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Comments:
By anonymous at 16,Sep,11 16:14

I understand you. But you need to make more friends and get out of your shell. Loneliness is a phase which sometimes last for a long time, so seek whatever makes you happy. Try to positively reenforce yourself. Seek happiness and happiness will follow...
By anonymous at 17,Sep,11 13:13

I am working on it...
Thanks a lot for your input...


By anonymous at 16,Sep,11 16:23

Enjoy your life...do what you like to do. There are people who has far worse situation, though I understand that no two situations are the same... Loneliness is a very binding feeling. No one can help you, only you yourself.

A person can feel lonely even in a crowd or even when surrounded by friends. Loneliness is a state of mind. You yourself can come out of it...work on it girl. I pray for your friend... I understand because I have lost my friend too, so I can understand the pain.... Don't blame yourself and live on...
Enjoy what you do and seek happiness!
By anonymous at 17,Sep,11 13:14

Thank you....thank you sincerely. I am working on it... I am engaging myself and learning to cope better with things...
Cheers~


By at 16,Sep,11 17:11

Pathetic. So a lot of men wants you but you don't. The ones you want (probably handsome and rich) doesn't look at you.

You are too self-centered and selfish. You don't no problem at all. You didn't settle because you think you are the bomb, you would get some high top man.
By anonymous at 17,Sep,11 13:03

Not lot but few... Nopes, not rich and handsome. I like ambitious, intelligent and talented men...But such men don't find me interesting... I guess I am too laid back for them... Yes, loneliness can make one self centred, maybe because I have spent too much time alone... I don't think I am the bomb...as this forum was a like a self help forum, I just let my inner feelings out... I do think high of myself but not to the point that I look down at others... But I take your cue...I'll be more outgoing and adjusting but one thing I learnt is that never to compromises with the qualities what one likes in a man at least....thank you for your input!


By anonymous at 16,Sep,11 22:38

i hope u feel better soon...do what u love to do..and make more friends...and just sometimes go for walk..it really help..and u meet ppl. and just believe and pray that someday that special someone will come and take u away...and every thing will be ok..:)) also i love k-pop too...LOL
By anonymous at 17,Sep,11 13:11

Thanks :)


By anonymous at 17,Sep,11 04:29

Interesting. $ 2000 credit card debt comes to a little less than 1,00,000 INR. Take a personal loan to repay the credit card debt. With insane interest rates you cant clear a credit card in installments. Most people are lonely. I am getting a divorce, have a 2.5 year old daughter who lives a 1000 miles away from me. A lot of us are lonely, dont let it disturb you
By anonymous at 17,Sep,11 13:12

It is not easy to get personal loan but I will do that eventually...
I hope things turn up better for you soon too...

I know I should feel petty for my venting as there are numerous others here with such grievances...

But I sincerely thank you for the input...


By anonymous at 17,Sep,11 04:31

i am going through a similar phase. if its ok mail me at yagya@yahoo.com
By anonymous at 17,Sep,11 13:15

I wish you well... Thanks~


By anonymous at 17,Sep,11 13:09

Thank you everyone...
I didn't think this will be posted but as it is...
Thank you all for your valuable inputs.
I know there are people who are in a very bad state and been through a lot in life... but thank you for bearing with me because I just needed to vent.
I am fine these days... Guess, it was a passing phase...err... maybe not...
I miss my dear friend badly and when I reread what I wrote it looked like a cover up for my real problem that is the guilt of not being able to protect my friend and thus, being in a denial I just happen to write about my other smaller problems....
I am dealing my problem with more insight, understanding and patience...
Thank you all! :) Cheers~


By anonymous at 17,Sep,11 18:40

Hi Kaybee,
You seem to be a very intelligent and talented person. Don't worry everything will be fine. Just appreciate what you have and concentrate on your talents. Your friends death is not your fault. She is in better place now. As far as meeting someone goes, life is weird, trust me, you will meet someone when you least expect it. Just have faith and appreciate the people you do have in your life. Hope this helps:)
www.mylifeboard.org


By anonymous at 21,Sep,11 21:15

I used to be terribly loney, ignored, rejected, abused and disrespected. Some of my problems were brought on by my own stupid decisions, but not all. I was a loser in school and quit college because a teacher embarrassed me in front of a room full of students. I was humiliated by her rude disrespect for me as a person. I found my heart was overwhelmed with hatred, but nobody knew about it nor cared. I remember shaking my fist up in the air at God and swearing that no one was EVER going to hurt me again, but I was only hurting myself. I finally gave in to the one and only person who understood what I was going through, even though I shook my fist at Him. I gave ALL I had left and my life to Jesus and he changed my heart and my whole outlook on life. I still have hard days, but I have hope, because my creator is always with me. Read Psalm 23 and see how God wants to take care of you, if you let Him.


By anonymous at 27,Dec,12 15:17

i just want to share my experience and testimony here.. i was married for
6 years to my husband and all of a sudden, another woman came into the
picture.. he started hailing me and he was abusive..but i still loved him
with all my heart and wanted him at all cost?then he filed for divorce..my
whole life was turning apart and i didn't know what to do..he moved out of
the house and abandoned the kids.. so someone told me about trying
spiritual means to get my husband back and introduced me to a spell
caster?so i decided to try it reluctantly..although i didn't believe in all
those things? then when he did the special prayers and spell, after 2days,
my husband came back and was pleading..he had realized his mistakes..i just
couldn't believe it.. anyways we are back together now and we are happy..in
case anyone needs this man, his email address greatzuba@gmail.com, his
spells is for a better life. again his email is greatzuba@gmail.com
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