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I'm a waste.

Posted by anonymous at August 11, 2011
Tags: Attitude  2011 August  Childhood  Juvenile problems

I've hated myself since I was 6. My beat friend and her brother took turns molesting me. No one in my family ever noticed. My dad was always doped up on Meth, cocaine, heroin. You name it. My mom worked all the time, rarely did I see her. The abuse stopped when my "best friend" finally moved away when I was 7.

But then it picked up right where it stopped, my baby sisters dad begin molesting me. And AGAIN nobody fucking noticed.

My dad used to get so angry he'd throw shit across the room, he'd steal my favorite toys an smash them. He was my favorite though, he never hurt me. But I watched him beat the shot put of my sister almost everyday.

My parents got divorced when I was 6. I cried everynight. I had nightmares that his drug dealers were gonna kill him because he owed so much money. He hired prostitutes and OD-ed countless times.

As a LIL kid I was scrawny. I had big blue eyes and I was so naive. Everyone was emean to me, I only had one best friend and then she stabbed me in the back.

I started burning and cutting myself when I was 11. I thought I was fat and ugly and dirty.

I started drinking heavily and huffing when I was 12, when I was 13 I tried pcp and lots of pain killers.

Kids never shut up, they made fun of me everyday. I have ADHD and my grades were horrible.

I hated going home so I'd stay at a grocery store till "dinner time"

I got prescribed rittalin when I was 14. I quickly realized I could make some money so I started selling. Often I'd rail pills too, to get high. I wouldn't eat for days, I'd stay awake for days it was endless.

I've attempted suicide 3 times and no one ever noticed. Ha. But I'm alive.

Now I'm 17 and I only smoke weed MAINLY. but my moms on my ass even though she doesn't even realize how much I've improved.

I know many people have a harder lives, I just felt like getting this shit out. Haha.


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Comments:
By at 26,Sep,11 15:30

Thats a hard life you had so far. You have every right to complain (just not too much). But you are so young, I know you might not think that, but really, your life has barely even started, if even that. Straighten yourself up. Find something you like to do, like a hoby, but something that you absolutely love. Then look into how you could tie your life (career etc) with simmilar things. You just need a purpose in life, something to do, that is the best motivation.

And if I were you, I'd just fucking quit using anything. Weed might not be the worst thing though, so you are making progress, but why the fuck do you want to put all that crap into your body? Start exercising or doing some extreme sports, or something... there are natural ways to get high you know :).


By anonymous at 26,Sep,11 15:59

You've been through an enormous amount of trouble for someone so young. The poster before me has very good recommendations for you.

You've got your whole life ahead of you, with endless possibilities waiting for you to choose from. Use your imagination and come up with a plan/goal that you can work toward making a reality.

If you have difficulty dealing with the emotions and memories of the past, maybe you can find a counselor that's a good fit to talk with, to work out some of the issues you're struggling with. Or do some reading online or from books about dealing with the after-effects of abuse or whatever is troubling you, as well as how to create a good life for yourself. There are a lot of folks out there who want to help others succeed in life.

You've survived a lot and gotten stronger already. Just keep making good/better choices for yourself so that your adult life is a wonderful contrast to your terrible childhood.

Many very successful, happy people started out life in terrible circumstances and overcame them. You can, too. You have to have faith in yourself.


By anonymous at 27,Sep,11 01:25

Thanks. & wow I just realized how horribly written this is, it has so many errors! But thanks for the advice and thanks to those who read.


By anonymous at 28,Sep,11 05:09

It sounds like a lot of the people who were meant to be good influences were bad ones-- I find myself alone too. WHen you feel kind of broken, looking in unexpected places for something good/pure to get enthusiastic about can do just that- give you something to get enthusiastic about. For me I try and keep it natural- I think about what I would be doing if I weren't in this unnatural, urban environment. We evolved doing several things which most people don't do anymore- growing stuff, keeping animals, using our hands to make stuff, being in the wilderness. So I find those are the things that if you seek them out, kind of strangely 'salve the soul'. I grow tomatoes and potatoes- very easy, get yourself a dog/cat- dogs are better if you can look after them- unconditional love. WHen you stroke them a chemical called oxytocin is released in your brain- it reduces stress, makes you feel love- its the same chemical that is released when you give birth or have kids... the same chemical also is released with acts of charity. Exercise has been proven also more effective than antidepressants in a lot of cases- so walk hard, run, cycle... and perhaps do it socially through meetup.com, where you can meet NEW people who aren't a bunch of fuckers... Making stuff- food, baking, sewing machines etc... all stuff to feel satisfied about and make you feel a bit proud, a bit fuller in life... I've stopped doing these things for now- another move is coming- I've moved about 15 times in the past 3 years, and I cant find work and gotta move again- so I'm in no mood to get all homey, but I cant wait till I can start growing again and get a dog and some buddies...maybe cook dinner for em and stuff


By anonymous at 22,Oct,11 16:15

sorry your life was like that mine was similar but had nothing to care for only my brother, my dad would beat my mom in front of me makeing me watch once he almost choked her to death in front of me but its all past i thought then my mom bot another guy and all same stuff i am now 18 years old and wanted to kill myself since i was 8 i still try to live and find someone to like and thrust. realy sorry you had that kind of life


By anonymous at 22,Oct,11 16:59

sorry to hear that, ive been trough a lot too but never hurted my self much only like punching the wall and with head, only reason i survived trought i went was cuz of my big brother its nice to have someone to thrust try get someone to thrust and dont let them go, i am 18 years old and my life is better for only a year now all 17 years i wanted to be dead i still somethimes wana kill my self but less, hope you gona be ok


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