Where to start... I'm 39 yrs old, gay and widower. I had a partner for over 18 years and he passed away last year. Ever since, life has been a constant struggle; it hurts even to wake up and get up. I don't have that many friends, mainly because while I had my partner we were everything to each other and we felt we just didn't make that many friends. I can't really make friends at work, because I work from home. So, the days are hopelessly empty and long. At least during the day I get distracted with work-related stuff. When the evening approaches, I start to panic because I have no one to talk to and I can only watch so much TV. I tried making new friends online, but they must sense my desperation and run away as soon as I meet them - maybe it's my physical appearance, I guess I'll never know. I joined a gym to work out my anxiety, it helps for a little while.
I have a severe problem meeting people, I guess they call it social phobia. In short, I freeze and don't know what to say whenever I'm in a situation where people are speaking to me. Because I freeze and don't say a thing, people just walk away or don't bother to reach out and get a conversation going. There are nights when I just take sleep medicine to stop the pain of being aware and awake. In my sleep I am happier, my partner is there, I can make friends and have a normal life. I wish my dreaming life were my real life. Sometimes I feel like taking the whole bottle and just keep on dreaming... but I have a mother who cares for me and I wouldn't want her to go through the pain of losing a son to suicide.
When you hit your late 30s is not easy making friends, especially if you are an introvert like me. I tried joining groups through meet-up and online, but again, I'm not good at establishing relationships, so at the end of the day, I'm alone again. I tried dating, but I don't have much experience dating, having been in a relationship for 18 years. I met someone online, but he's not into a long-term relationship, plus he works out of town for weeks sometimes months. I feel like I should stop seeing him, but he's all I got and I panic to the thought of losing him too. So, I put up with the fact that he's not the committing kind, he will be leaving soon on travel and it scares me. A friend told me to stop seeing him before I got too into him, but it's too late. I wait by the phone and check my email every hour to see if he's contact me or if he wants to see me... I don't think I'm in love with him, but I do love spending time together, the little time he can afford me. I don't know if I should just let him go, and look for someone else, or just stop searching and embrace life and all its hardships.
Just needed to vent... thanks for reading all the way here.