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When will the pain end???

Posted by anonymous at August 11, 2011
Tags: 2011 August  Death  Friendship  Loneliness  Sexuality

Where to start... I'm 39 yrs old, gay and widower. I had a partner for over 18 years and he passed away last year. Ever since, life has been a constant struggle; it hurts even to wake up and get up. I don't have that many friends, mainly because while I had my partner we were everything to each other and we felt we just didn't make that many friends. I can't really make friends at work, because I work from home. So, the days are hopelessly empty and long. At least during the day I get distracted with work-related stuff. When the evening approaches, I start to panic because I have no one to talk to and I can only watch so much TV. I tried making new friends online, but they must sense my desperation and run away as soon as I meet them - maybe it's my physical appearance, I guess I'll never know. I joined a gym to work out my anxiety, it helps for a little while.

I have a severe problem meeting people, I guess they call it social phobia. In short, I freeze and don't know what to say whenever I'm in a situation where people are speaking to me. Because I freeze and don't say a thing, people just walk away or don't bother to reach out and get a conversation going. There are nights when I just take sleep medicine to stop the pain of being aware and awake. In my sleep I am happier, my partner is there, I can make friends and have a normal life. I wish my dreaming life were my real life. Sometimes I feel like taking the whole bottle and just keep on dreaming... but I have a mother who cares for me and I wouldn't want her to go through the pain of losing a son to suicide.

When you hit your late 30s is not easy making friends, especially if you are an introvert like me. I tried joining groups through meet-up and online, but again, I'm not good at establishing relationships, so at the end of the day, I'm alone again. I tried dating, but I don't have much experience dating, having been in a relationship for 18 years. I met someone online, but he's not into a long-term relationship, plus he works out of town for weeks sometimes months. I feel like I should stop seeing him, but he's all I got and I panic to the thought of losing him too. So, I put up with the fact that he's not the committing kind, he will be leaving soon on travel and it scares me. A friend told me to stop seeing him before I got too into him, but it's too late. I wait by the phone and check my email every hour to see if he's contact me or if he wants to see me... I don't think I'm in love with him, but I do love spending time together, the little time he can afford me. I don't know if I should just let him go, and look for someone else, or just stop searching and embrace life and all its hardships.

Just needed to vent... thanks for reading all the way here.


Votes:


Similar Entries:
life sucks, pls help :( February 5, 2008
Death March 18, 2011
Sucks to me  December 1, 2011
lets face it January 21, 2011
Betrayal  March 3, 2012



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Comments:
By anonymous at 28,Sep,11 17:34

I'm lonely too. I am MWF. and I got a puppy--thought it would help. It did for...6 days but now I'm used to the lack of sleep and the potty training and I'm lonely again. I just typed in "so lonely" to Google and this came up. I feel your pain. I am so sorry.
By anonymous at 04,Jan,12 03:04

Hey I am lonely to and it is very hard to make friends. I am making a GROUP OF special lonely friends on Pogo.com. Try it out. My nick name is luckylana123 and pass word is Lucky. Go sign up and include me in your friends list. We can play games, talk, and get to know each other as friends. It is free and fun. Please pass it along. We all need good non-judgmental friends that can love just the way we are. My idea is to get a group of people 30 to 50's and if we all get along to meet somewhere for a holiday. Please try it out. Believe me I am not a crazy person. Last time I check was normal, working as a nurse, and still lonely without real friends.


By anonymous at 01,Oct,11 18:25

That's a sad situation - I'm sorry. It is difficult being gay, alone and in your mid 30s. i was raised in a large family, so to be mid 30s and alone all of the time feels foreign to me. I meet up with friends and eat out all of the time just to see others, but all I really want is to stay at home...with someone.

Good luck to you.


By anonymous at 05,Oct,11 06:30

I suppose that's why sometimes people say, happy ones won't last easily as the common unhappy ones do once if they've lost their source of happiness. You've been with someone together too long, to share your life with, you two built up your own world, which maybe very distant from others, and once you've lost him, the world clasped, you find you have no where to stand. Once it's lost, would be extremely hard for you as you've got the taste of the happiness, so you'll know much more clearly if you can't taste it anymore, not like some others, they know they probably aren't happy, but they never had a chance to know what happy really meant, so, not much of a big deal, and not much to feel lost about.

Actually I feel sad to read your experience, but yet, at the same time, envy you... it's not easy to find someone to share your life with for that long... and probably it's a mate for life situation if ever death didn't knocked on the door too soon.


By anonymous at 05,Oct,11 22:14

I think when you go out meeting people just tell them straight your problem and explain your difficulty if the person is still walks away you really don't want to be their friends any way.. I am girl and heterosexual, I always wanted to have gay best friend, gossiping like in the sex and city and also being there for each other.. Carrie and her gay best friend Stanford..

Let your partner go.. he is gone.. you are here and you have to live the life and enjoy it.. Keep the gym, keep the meet-up group..
If that guy you like is going away let him go... why are you going to hurt yourself, i have been there i know the feeling but it will pass..
You will meet another partner, its nice to imagine and dream but you know you are imagining and in the long run is going to make difficult for you to meet another partner, there fore stop... you are only young 39 is nothing..

For me old age start 80.. there you are still a baby...xxx


By at 09,Oct,11 23:28

sorry for lost that must suck, i'm 14 and i'm a girl it's hard to lose someone i can't imagine how you feel but let that idot your seeing out if he dosen't call or email you he dosen't love you you sound like a nice guy find someone new someone better who cant live out you i may not know about much about love but trust me when i say that it maybe hard now but it gets better.:)


By anonymous at 10,Oct,11 21:07

I know how that last part feels. I want to sleep all the time because it's the only time I get to be ''with'' and ''hug'' and physically interact with my boyfriend. We are LDR and he's military. So I rarely get to see him. I'm only happy when we're together. He has a way of melting away all my stress. He's nicer than my family which I live with. He treats me with respect, love, and admiration. He's my best friend. And sometimes I feel as if he might as well have died, because I don't get to be with him. We don't even get to talk as much as we'd like. (Only weekends)


By anonymous at 12,Oct,11 19:58

I typed in ” so lonely” into google too. My life is filled with l people but i, never feel connected to anyone. It's difficult, but you have to keep trudging forward so you can see what happens next.
By Nathan at 20,Oct,11 05:42

exactly how i feel im only 15 and i thought it was kind of weird that i had friends and family but still felt alone


By anonymous at 13,Oct,11 23:11

I guess finding the next soul mate is like looking for a job. One of ten applications will get a response. Of 10 responses, you get an offer. Depressing as it sounds, keep looking you will find the right dude. You're still young. Have you tried going on a cruise?


By anonymous at 15,Oct,11 01:05

This is the saddest story I have ever heard. I really hope you meet someone that can appreciate and understand you. It's what you deserve.You deserve to have what makes you happy and that is a long term loving relationship with someone that cares about you. I hope he comes along and saves you.
By anonymous at 08,Nov,11 08:29

then you haven't read all the stories yet. it is NOT the saddest.


By anonymous at 26,Nov,11 09:20

I also got a puppy; I love small animals, but I tire of them quickly and must destroy them with a claw hammer.


By anonymous at 04,Jan,12 03:04

Hey I am lonely to and it is very hard to make friends. I am making a GROUP OF special lonely friends on Pogo.com. Try it out. My nick name is luckylana123 and pass word is Lucky. Go sign up and include me in your friends list. We can play games, talk, and get to know each other as friends. It is free and fun. Please pass it along. We all need good non-judgmental friends that can love just the way we are. My idea is to get a group of people 30 to 50's and if we all get along to meet somewhere for a holiday. Please try it out. Believe me I am not a crazy person. Last time I check was normal, working as a nurse, and still lonely without real friends.


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