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I'm lonely as fuck.

Posted by Lonelygirlhere at September 21, 2011
Tags: Attitude  Loneliness  Philosophical  2011 September

I hate my life. I'm just so tired of all this bullshit I've been going through. I-am-fucking-tired. I don't wanna live anymore in this planet. There's even a day that I've tried to kill myself, but I was scared because I don't know where I'm going to be when I'm dead. The reason why I hate my life is, I'm a shy person. And I can't try to talk first to some other to people that's why I don't have any true friends. I wanted to have friends so badly. I really wanted to, but I just can't trust anyone I met because I don't know if what they think about me. I lost my confidence a long time ago, and I don't know if when I can have it again. I don't go to school either, because when I just absent for one day then that's going on and on until I can't go because I'm so shy to my teachers and classmate that I leave class for like two months.I hate myself for being like this. Sometimes, I wish to God, what if I just can turn back time and be back to the first day I did that shit? What if I can make those shit things to be the right things again? But I know that is fucking impossible. But, whenever I have a chance to change myself, to have a better future, I just can't help but make the same mistakes again. That's why like I said earlier, I just hate my self. Why did I even born this way? Why??? Why I am like this??? I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH!!!
I'm still young and in the teenage years but I'm just wasting my life here inside our damn house. I don't even experience to be in high school, where you can have a real joy and fun when you're teenager. And I don't have any friends to have fun with , to laugh with, to share sadness and to confide. I'm so tired to be alone. And I'm so jealous to those have a great and fun teenage life. Why can't I experience something like that, just even for one day? I know, I can't do that anymore because I am fucking old for being a high school student now. I just waste my whole damn life here inside our house. Yeah, I have fun sometimes, but just like once in a month, when I go shopping and watch movie in the cinema. But, that's just it. That's not a real happiness, I know. It's just for putting up and lying to some others that I'm damn happy, but I'm not. I'm always faking a damn smile to my family that I am happy, but hell-NO!
I am tired. I just wish that I'd be dead now. And just give my fucking waste life to those who's sick and wanted to still live. If I've been giving a chance? I'm going to give my life to them, instead to just waste it myself.
And the one that i love so much, he doesn't even love me back. I love him and waiting for him for like seven long years since I was ten. But, I know he doesn't like me, because when we saw each other, he just going to walk past me, and when I look at his back he just keep walking and not even looking at me. All I wish was, just to have a one night spend with him and to talk to him. I've been waiting for that damn time. But, how can that happen when I'm hiding myself from all of the people I know? The first reason was, because I have many scars in my skin, and I don't go to school.That's why I lost all my confidence I have in my body.
I wanted to change so fucking badly. Who not wants when you are me? I wanted to ask myself, why did I do all this? Is this my real destiny or I just did my own destiny myself? I have so many questions in mind about my life. I just hate it.
If I could swap my own life to someone else, I could do that immediately but who wants my fucking waste life? I know, no ones, because I even hate it myself.
I dream of that day, when I can sigh, that kind of sigh of contentment and not of loneliness. And smile truly, not kind of a fake smile. And have true friends who can accept for who I am. And even love back by the one I love. That's the life I wanted to have. Just a simple life like that. But I don't know if that day will ever come. I just wish, and wish and wish more that someday, that life I ever wanted have come my way.


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By anonymous at 14,Nov,11 10:57

i ask you not to lose HOPE. I know that its easy to say but its very hard to do. But i have almost the same life as you. Im very good technically, but a shy person and cant express myself. But even if you think that life wont turn around, its possible to change it around. And you have to make some adjustments.

Think of it this way. You are already in deep shit, what worse can happen. You have nothing to lose. Get your self confidence back(its all in our head). Mingle with people, initially you will face it very difficult, but try as much as you can not to think what others think about you and be yourself, try to express yourself. Wait for things to happen, you cant change overnight, you got to work on your weaknesses(you know your weaknesses). Take your own time, but trying is the important thing.

I hope this helps both you and me and give some confidence on which we can develop.


By anonymous at 14,Nov,11 12:23

everything you said OP is the exact same for me! (except school, that was like 35 years ago!) i could have written that if if were not for the school stuff cause it all is my opinion too to a tee. guess i'm not alone or fucked as i think when others hit the same bullseye. sad & tired, i hear that shit! sick of earth. want to go back to spiritworld and be done here.......alone has become too alone.........


By anonymous at 15,Nov,11 05:16

i am in the same shit, i started studying when i was 17, and every year i get depessed because school is going bad, im to shy to get back, especially if i dont have any homework to show. so i quit every year, 2 years ago i did some working and travelling, but i am still paying for those debts, but at least i was happy then, but only temporary. then when i was back home i started studying with full force and i finally came trough the first year and got a girlfriend! i was already 22 and had 4 years of studie and first years behind me. i am now one of the oldest of my class and i am in the second year. now it is going like before, i feel depressed, shy for school, in a lot of debts, insecure, dont know how to get out of this other then quit. last week my girlfriend broke up with me, because i was getting so derpressed. so here i am. 5 fucking years later, i'm fucking 23 and my class mates are 18 and making it and im like crap. whenever i promise better attitude, i just wont do it. one moment i feel really good about myself and then the rest of the week i stay in bed, thinking i am worthless. so my self confidence is really low. i cant promise anything, because i know im not going to do it. i really love my ex, but my hearth is broken by this, i am even more depressed and getting suicidal thoughts. im just profiting from the world. i have friends, but they live hours away in my old town. i see them every week, but they have their own lives. its not like my girlfriend with whom i could talk about anything for hours. i dont know what to do... my ex gave me one more chance to seduce her if i let her alone for a month. but i miss her so much. and how can i properly seduce her, she has moved to another town, so i can only see her once a week when we have a date or something. we used to see eachother everyweek on school, but i think ive influenced her with slacking and then she quit her school. she is now in another city, and i cant like casually see her, so how can i seduce her? i have to get my selfesteem back, but how? school is going so bad, and i have no motivation to make it better, so thats not very attractive.
the thing i want is just to have a low payed job, and a small apartment with my girl. nothing to be expected from me and no promises i can fail.

but i think i never get her back, or finish a study. i will die alone and poor, just like my father will.


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