I hate my life. I'm just so tired of all this bullshit I've been going through. I-am-fucking-tired. I don't wanna live anymore in this planet. There's even a day that I've tried to kill myself, but I was scared because I don't know where I'm going to be when I'm dead. The reason why I hate my life is, I'm a shy person. And I can't try to talk first to some other to people that's why I don't have any true friends. I wanted to have friends so badly. I really wanted to, but I just can't trust anyone I met because I don't know if what they think about me. I lost my confidence a long time ago, and I don't know if when I can have it again. I don't go to school either, because when I just absent for one day then that's going on and on until I can't go because I'm so shy to my teachers and classmate that I leave class for like two months.I hate myself for being like this. Sometimes, I wish to God, what if I just can turn back time and be back to the first day I did that shit? What if I can make those shit things to be the right things again? But I know that is fucking impossible. But, whenever I have a chance to change myself, to have a better future, I just can't help but make the same mistakes again. That's why like I said earlier, I just hate my self. Why did I even born this way? Why??? Why I am like this??? I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH!!!
I'm still young and in the teenage years but I'm just wasting my life here inside our damn house. I don't even experience to be in high school, where you can have a real joy and fun when you're teenager. And I don't have any friends to have fun with , to laugh with, to share sadness and to confide. I'm so tired to be alone. And I'm so jealous to those have a great and fun teenage life. Why can't I experience something like that, just even for one day? I know, I can't do that anymore because I am fucking old for being a high school student now. I just waste my whole damn life here inside our house. Yeah, I have fun sometimes, but just like once in a month, when I go shopping and watch movie in the cinema. But, that's just it. That's not a real happiness, I know. It's just for putting up and lying to some others that I'm damn happy, but I'm not. I'm always faking a damn smile to my family that I am happy, but hell-NO!
I am tired. I just wish that I'd be dead now. And just give my fucking waste life to those who's sick and wanted to still live. If I've been giving a chance? I'm going to give my life to them, instead to just waste it myself.
And the one that i love so much, he doesn't even love me back. I love him and waiting for him for like seven long years since I was ten. But, I know he doesn't like me, because when we saw each other, he just going to walk past me, and when I look at his back he just keep walking and not even looking at me. All I wish was, just to have a one night spend with him and to talk to him. I've been waiting for that damn time. But, how can that happen when I'm hiding myself from all of the people I know? The first reason was, because I have many scars in my skin, and I don't go to school.That's why I lost all my confidence I have in my body.
I wanted to change so fucking badly. Who not wants when you are me? I wanted to ask myself, why did I do all this? Is this my real destiny or I just did my own destiny myself? I have so many questions in mind about my life. I just hate it.
If I could swap my own life to someone else, I could do that immediately but who wants my fucking waste life? I know, no ones, because I even hate it myself.
I dream of that day, when I can sigh, that kind of sigh of contentment and not of loneliness. And smile truly, not kind of a fake smile. And have true friends who can accept for who I am. And even love back by the one I love. That's the life I wanted to have. Just a simple life like that. But I don't know if that day will ever come. I just wish, and wish and wish more that someday, that life I ever wanted have come my way.