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mostly by myself

Posted by anonymous at October 15, 2011
Tags: Health  Loneliness  2011 October  Relationship

I'm 30 years old. I'm male. When I was 14 I was diagnosed with ADHD and mild depression. I've always been different and never fit in anywhere. My parents hated my guts when I was going through my teenage years, the toughest time of my life. My teachers hated me and I was always in trouble for something.
I never did anything in high school and now I am paying the price. I'm in University trying to finish a degree and I'm so afraid I'll never be good at anything and never be able to hold down a job or a career in order to be happy. I spend most of my time alone and when I'm invited out I seldom go. I'm super picky with the people I spend time with and I constantly scare girls off because I am hyper sexual and can't bring myself to lie about relationships. I really want true love, but it's been six years and I've dated alot of girls, but I still can't get over an ex. Sometimes I think she was 'the one.' Even though I know love and everything that goes along with it is simply a construction of the media and an attempt to convince ourselves that we are not some over breeding over populating species. Sure I believe in love, but at the same time I don't.
She's now married and pregnant with a child that isn't mine. This has convinced me that love is not real. No girl can really love you if they can leave you and birth a child with another man. It's all a sick game and it's all a sick competition and it makes me nihilistic. Sometimes I think life is bullshit. It's all lies and hate and deception and guilt and convincing and entrapment and enslavement and suffering. Being an adult sucks. It has its high points, but it's more lonely than anything I've ever experienced in my life. It's getting better. I used to sleep all day as a child. I'm not kidding. I would lay in bed for 14 hours, I even did this until around my early 20's. I constantly felt like shit. I constantly hated myself. I don't feel that way anymore. Now I know the world is bullshit and that everyone in my past failed me. My school, my parents, my friends. They all fucked me up so bad that I became a maladjusted man and although I'm now better I can never escape the person I've become because of my past. I can never escape my past no matter how much I try and how much I read and how much I work out and learn and discover and mature. No matter how much I want to be popular and have friends it never happens. The funny thing is, lol, I'm above average looking, so they say, and I'm above average intelligence, bullshit, I play guitar and drums and sing, sometimes I think I'm good but who knows really. It's Friday night and I'm by myself. I spend most weekends by myself. I know I'm not dying and I have no diseases and I shouldn't fucking complain, but I would never wish this on anyone. Life is meant to be happy and as a social being we are meant to be surrounded by people, but new research has showed me that it's just a media trick. Life is shit, I have no free will and I'm destined to be like this forever. Alone and miserable and oh ya I can't hold down a fucking relationship either or a job, I fuck up everything and I secretly love it. Fuck the system. It's all bullshit and I'm miserable because I don't fit. I don't belong here. This body is a fucking prison and I hate it.


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By anonymous at 30,Nov,11 20:40

Ignorance is bliss my friend :)

By anonymous at 30,Nov,11 23:22

You left this 3 days before my 35th birthday. I swore I would never let myself turn 35 and here I am. I'm reading this and found this page because I fell exactly the same way you do. I made bad decisions in my life and they have rendered me incapable of making money or taking care of a woman. I'm going to walk alone. I feel like I don't fit, and don't have a spot here. It sucks, but at least I know how you feel.... You're not alone dude....

By anonymous at 01,Dec,11 08:22

oh dear you seem full of self hatred , the fact you play guitar drums and sing speaks volumes about you , you are a creative being, its just unfortunate you have met the wrong people along the way who have helped you formulate this very self deprecating view of yourself.i do tend to agree with what you are saying though about we are social beings who are meant to be surrounded by people, we are programmed like that from our early years and if we fail to attach ourselves to a functional group of any description then our survival is threatened.its rough being alone , and i hope it will not always be the same for you everyone of us deserves at least a few solid secure people in our lives, it helps your will to survive otherwise we fade away.B.T

By anonymous at 01,Dec,11 08:43

No one is ever alone. Out there in the big, terrible, inhumane , scary world there is always at least one person just like you. I am only 28 and I have realized so far that life is just a coincidence there is no god, no purpose and no meaning to anything. Everything is just a big pile of shit that we try to make any sense out of. I was melancholic since I was 13 to 19 and it wasn't before a couple of years ago that I realized that you just got to deal with what you've got, don't care what other people think of you and don't try to be anything you're not. This may sound like a bunch of bullshit but after I stopped giving a fuck about what other people think of me and I just followed my passion (playing drums), life has become a little worse every day. Life has been shit for me too I am about average looking I have fucked up all my relationships so far and nobody really gives a shit about me but guess what I DON'T FUCKING CARE. Trust me after you stop caring, pull yourself together and find a decent paying job that you enjoy, life will seem a little bit more tolerable as every day goes by. I hope you find your path and I wish you all luck in this terrible coincidence called life.
By anonymous at 04,Dec,11 13:19

true that. life is never like a movie. it's fuckin shit. i realize that I could just die right now and life will still go on. i guess thats one of truths i found out. you walk you live, sometimes you feel like you are being loved then after you die people will still be people and life will just go on. But there's one thing i thought when i was achild. if i ever mess up my life i promised myself to just blame it on the me that fucked it all up. and start over with new self. every time the past haunts you you blame the guy who fucked it all up who wasnt good enough. say thats not me. maybe then you can live on. just restart and fuck everything past blame it all on him who is from the past

By anonymous at 01,Dec,11 12:32

i share some of your feelings. I've made many mistakes because of my immaturity and even now I know I'm making progress each day, but it seems to me that my speed of maturity is slower than everyone I know and I lag behind them more and more each day. At 30 this state starts sucking really badly n I dont know what to do.

By Lorren at 15,May,17 02:21

I could read a book about this without finding such real-world apaospcher!

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