I am so lost. So incredibly lost. With no one to take my hand and help me along the way. My friends are all leaving me behind, and will likely never look back. Friends I spent many a sleepless night comforting while their tears soaked my sleeve. I have been used by many, loved by few. I have had my heart ripped, shredded, shattered and torn more times than I can count, and therefore I cannot form any sort of romantic relationships whatsoever.
I am gay, and have been ostracized by many whom I had once considered my dearest friends. I have been told I am evil, filthy, worthless, and that I deserve to die a slow painful death because of who I am. I was shunned by my church. At one point the only living thing I could turn to was my dog. I poured my soul out to him, sobs and all, and he never judged me once. My family believes me to be an abomination. They express their grief and misery over the struggles they face daily because of having a gay son. I do not live with them anymore, and I do not see them often. No one knows I am their son unless I say otherwise. They have faced nothing. They do not know the meaning of misery.
I was beaten and tortured within an inch of my life during middle school by a group of boys I went to school with. They tried to force me to perform oral sex on them all one day while I was sitting in the park. Alone.
I am in college. It took me two months to work up the courage to attend a Gay-Straight Alliance meeting. And when I did I could not stop shaking. I have been taught to fear homosexuality, fear myself, and I am terrified that I will never be "okay."
I met a guy. He seemed to be respectable. Studious, serious about his career, intelligent, and a comfort to be around. The thing is, every guy I have ever liked has strung me along and then dropped me in the gutter. This boy, who I had fallen in love with, explained to me that he did not have time for a relationship. The very next day he walks past me during passing period and is holding hands with and nuzzling close to another man. It is like this with every guy. So why is it so upsetting after all this time?
I am a human being. I am full of mistakes. I have attempted suicide numerous times and considered faking my own death in able to start over. What lies ahead of me, I do not know. I do not expect companionship from anyone as I have never received it. All I ask for is peace. And quiet. A place to call my own. A place to feel safe. Warm. Happy. Loved.
Is this too much to ask?