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my life.

Posted by anonymous at November 10, 2011
Tags: 2011 November  Sexuality

I am so lost. So incredibly lost. With no one to take my hand and help me along the way. My friends are all leaving me behind, and will likely never look back. Friends I spent many a sleepless night comforting while their tears soaked my sleeve. I have been used by many, loved by few. I have had my heart ripped, shredded, shattered and torn more times than I can count, and therefore I cannot form any sort of romantic relationships whatsoever.

I am gay, and have been ostracized by many whom I had once considered my dearest friends. I have been told I am evil, filthy, worthless, and that I deserve to die a slow painful death because of who I am. I was shunned by my church. At one point the only living thing I could turn to was my dog. I poured my soul out to him, sobs and all, and he never judged me once. My family believes me to be an abomination. They express their grief and misery over the struggles they face daily because of having a gay son. I do not live with them anymore, and I do not see them often. No one knows I am their son unless I say otherwise. They have faced nothing. They do not know the meaning of misery.

I was beaten and tortured within an inch of my life during middle school by a group of boys I went to school with. They tried to force me to perform oral sex on them all one day while I was sitting in the park. Alone.

I am in college. It took me two months to work up the courage to attend a Gay-Straight Alliance meeting. And when I did I could not stop shaking. I have been taught to fear homosexuality, fear myself, and I am terrified that I will never be "okay."

I met a guy. He seemed to be respectable. Studious, serious about his career, intelligent, and a comfort to be around. The thing is, every guy I have ever liked has strung me along and then dropped me in the gutter. This boy, who I had fallen in love with, explained to me that he did not have time for a relationship. The very next day he walks past me during passing period and is holding hands with and nuzzling close to another man. It is like this with every guy. So why is it so upsetting after all this time?

I am a human being. I am full of mistakes. I have attempted suicide numerous times and considered faking my own death in able to start over. What lies ahead of me, I do not know. I do not expect companionship from anyone as I have never received it. All I ask for is peace. And quiet. A place to call my own. A place to feel safe. Warm. Happy. Loved.

Is this too much to ask?


New Comment

By anonymous at 21,Dec,11 12:42

Hey man, i see a lot of stories here from gay people, a lot of it is got to do with people believing in this fake god bullshit, fuck that shit! you are perfectly normal, and there is no reason you shouldn't be happy, it seems that you are not completely ok with yourself but you should be.

By anonymous at 11,Jan,12 09:22

im kinda gay too but never revealed that to anyone i know. I still go church and still intend to get married. Sexuality is an option, a choice. Although you may prefer guys over girls, but life is about choices. Choose wisely and think straight. You will be straight. Church people are mean, but God is just.

By anonymous at 14,Jan,12 16:45

You know!! gay is not something you should be afraid or ashamed off!! you have to learn to accept yourself the way you are, and it takes a lo,g time, but afterall its definitely worth it!! please don't give up on you're self!! If you want someone to talk to reply!!

By I'm Actually Intelligent at 15,Jan,12 23:19

Anonymous 2, you are bisexual with a female preference. That's easy to say for you. Someone that is not at all attracted to women doesn't have the same "easy" decision. I'm not even going to go into the childish nature of your views because that would be pointless . . . . Like telling a child there isn't a Santa: they just will refuse to listen to logic. =[

You'll find the right guy. I mean, that was the first (I'm assuming) exposure you actually had to other gay people in the world. Chances are that one of the first guys you meet won't be a match. First, try to find some nice people from that club that you can befriend or at least talk to.

Also, don't get involved with the superficial stereotypical gays. You'll know who they are. I can actually understand why Christians don't like /them/, haha. Try to find nice, caring guys. You could also become a furry.

To conclude, being gay is nothing to be ashamed of. It's mindless religious people that should be. It's completely natural and part of who you are.

By anonymous at 01,Feb,12 21:14

Top or bottom? I only do top because you're gay otherwise

By Buy oem Software at 12,Feb,12 15:00

Hc9Bjk As usual, the webmaster posted correctly..!

By anonymous at 10,Jul,12 19:33

like they say if u get lemons in life make lemonade out of it, you should have never missed the opportunity for provide oral sex to your friends in park, with an open mind (and mouth) you coule have cherished that experience rest of your life. atleast dont let go such opportunities in future and you will be happy and gay forever.

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