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Posted by tiredoflife at November 30, 2011
Tags: Attitude  2011 November

I've lived in and out of 3 different countries but right now am in england where i dont fit in and i've thought about suicide everyday for 2 years but am writing on here because some months ago i went a step further and tied a knot from my percolator wire before i dropped the whole idea, i dont know if it was because of cowardice or i thought i still had a glimmer of hope. My life is shit, actually thats wrong because i have no life at all. And even though i know whats precisely wrong with me, i cant do anything becasue i have no intrest left, i have no desire to fight on and i've lost all ambition
I remember from the first day of kindergarten the kids made it clear what they thought of me and my skin colour, from then on i've been unsuccessfully trying to fit in for 24 years. I've always thought if someone made a movie of my life it'd sell out, coz i've been one large series of disasters. my early education was largely okay though i was always trying to hang out with the cool kids and since as a kid you dont think about image i scarcely worried about that and i managed to stick with 4 cool friends who i considered the coolest people, i dont know if you guys have read Harry potter but i was like wormtail in james' gang, my friends were all from rich families and the coolest latest shit and i was always just trying to rub off on whatever they attracted. i later left that school went to a boarding school and then became so stuck up because i considered everyone there below me. Of course there were kids there who were richer and from powerful families but my brain had been brainwashed and i had decided never to hang out with anyone who wasnt physically and socially suave because it would rub off me. Something very embarrasing happened to me in the final year of prim ary school and though i cant write it here, i think thats where all my problems started and where previously i was an exuberant, happy, wild outgoing kid, i became held back, untrusting and with a low opinion of myself. secondary school is where my actual problems started, in the process of trying to fit in, i got the ugly truth in my face on a number of occassions that i was ugly, not physically attractive and i confirmed my worst fears when i looked in full length mirror for the first time at age 14 because i had always had a different image of myself before that. I tried dating because all my friends were doing it, and i got turned down by seven girls, i've never approached a girl again in my life. One of those girls was supposed to go with me to the prom and she changed her mind two weeks to it and decided she would go with one of my best friends who was handsome and popular. Another one called me outside class and told me to shoo her and never talk to her in public, all the girls have painful memories attached to them and i've never been the same since. One day i was seated in class and it was after lunch one of my friends honestly told me i looked hideous, another time i made fun of my friend's dribble on the court and they told me i had no idea how ugly my head was, and they meant it to, it was the truth coz i had verified it in the mirror two years before. The third occasion was in high school when i told my friend i fancied a certain girl, he told me to forget it because frankly i was ugly and not good looking. throughout my secondary school, all my friends made fun of every feature on my body, my skin colour, my nose, eyes, gum, teeth, nose,temples, body shape, chin, long neck, hairline(and my hairline has naturally looked like its receding since birth, its just high but it looks like that). And every time i look in the mirror i can remember every single jibe attached to each of my features. I burnt half my face in high school with a toxic substance because i was trying to bleach myself. Even now i have and will never accept my body and am working towards having enough money to have a plastic surgeon work on me especially my face and hairline. I have bouts of depression so bad i stay in my room without eating for days on end, just listening to heavy rock. There are times when i feel hopeful and ambitious but as soon as am alone i sink into an abyss. I know there are people without limbs, siamese twins, people without eyesight,hearing,speech but i frankly wish i had never been born as my life has been a joke from day one, i've been made fun of by everyone close to me all my life and i dont trust anyone now, i always keep everyone at a safe distance so they cant get into my life, i hate people who look at me because i know what they are thinking, i hate public places or any place with more than 10 people, i used to swim but now i cant stand someone seeing my body, i always suspect the worst from people and some of the only joy i get in my life is when i hurt people. In high school i badly hurt one of the only girls who ever truly loved me or cared for me merely because i wanted to hurt someone. She was actually pretty and i knew a lot of other popular guys liked her. I dont know why she liked me but she did and i still have her letters. I called her one day and told her horrible stuff about herself and just killed her self esteem, she tried to do the same to me but i didnt flinch and she left in tears. i felt really good for a week or so then i sunk into depression, i apologised to her years later though. Right now am a social wreck who has no passion, ambition, desire and i live out my frustration in violent video games. I now understand how people kill out of frustration as there are days when i start rehearsing in my mind what i want to do to those around me, i get impulses everyday to do horrible things. I've written the names of several people on different walls of every apartment i've lived in including those of the girls who turned me down or embarrased me and those of people who made fun of me and i hope to repay them someday. I hate every person i encounter and im like a dead person alive walking right now. i've read some shitty stories of lives of people on here with really hellish lives and traumatising experiences and i wonder whats wrong with me but right now am dead and i dont know what will breath life into me


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By Awddf at 19,Jul,15 13:46

My nephew has this disesae, and his nose looks just like that. The first ENT he went to basically accused him of using cocaine too much. They they did the surgery to repair the damage and found all the signs of this disesae. It has it's ups and downs, including causing nerve damage in the eyes and ears that can cause blindness and deafness. It can also damage kidneys. Luckily he's responded well to the drug therapy; unluckily, the drugs are powerful stuff.

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