I am a 30 year old male. It seems that the last year for me has been a culmination of one problem after another. To start, I haven't finished college yet. My girlfriend of seven years left me and went to another country to teach English. I am unemployed and back living at home after being independent for over a decade.
Before leaving, I lost my job on account of leaving college. I am close to graduation, but have to take community college classes out of pocket as I can no longer receive financial aid. Before I left my last city I was working at a liquor store. I was broke and had trouble paying the rent. My girlfriend (at the time) helped me pay but constantly called me a "mooch" and a "user" while she did it, despite the fact that I had financially helped her in the past.
Long story short, I quit my job to move with her to another city, at which point she decided on a whim to leave the country. She said she would return in a year and we should try a long distance relationship. Within a couple of months she had already slept with three different men. The blow of losing this relationship and feeling like such a loser destroyed my self confidence. To top it off, she gave me genital warts. Thanks.
I have criminal misdemeanors from 13 years ago (no trouble since) that prevent me from getting jobs. I realize my mistakes in the past are my own, but I still need to move forward. How many years must go by in this society before you can start again? I was 17 when I got in trouble and since have gone to college and volunteered to help people in various ways.
I have no car, and have resorted to moving back in with my parents. I moved from a bigger city back home to a small city full of backward hicks and yuppy snobs. Needless to say the job market here is garbage.
I feel like a burden and can't sleep at night. I have no romantic interests, and feel like too much of a loser to even admit to a woman my myriad problems. This is in addition to the problem of having no money to go on dates, and the embarrassment of not even having a ride to show up in.
I apply for jobs all the time and receive no call backs. I try to remain optimistic and tell myself that sooner or later I will catch a break, and at least get an interview. It would give me a reason to get a haircut and get dressed up, and feel like SOMETHING is happening. I get spotty work in construction and put every dime in the bank. I have even taken back cans and put the money in the bank.
My only luxury is going out for a cup of coffee at a restaurant and reading while getting refills. I have quit drinking booze, because I began getting so drunk that I was having outbursts, which I attribute to my dark mental state. I was sitting alone drinking cheap whiskey in my room for a while. I have wrestled with alcoholism a lot in the past, and I wonder how long I can stay away from the bottle. I enjoy sobriety, but I also get incredibly lonely and desperate, and alcohol provides some temporary relief. The downside is that I have become unpredictable at times when drunk and I worry that I will seriously hurt someone or kill myself while drunk one day.
My psyche goes back and forth in bipolar fits over the course of the month. I go between optimistic visions of some grandiose plan working out and suicidal depression.I know I am loaded with mental issues, because I have been consistently diagnosed as mentally ill since I was a teenager. I now take my mental condition more seriously, but of course have zero dollars to pay for any sort of psychiatric help, medication, etc...But I will admit that sobriety helps me contain my state of mind.
I don't know what to do. I just want a decent job that I can commit myself to, and to graduate, but it seems like the more I work toward happiness, the harder it gets to grasp it. I would like to have a full time job, my own place, a car and someone who loves me, but they all seem so far away. I try to take it one step at a time, and maintain sobriety and sanity.
Maybe I am a loser and have made all the wrong choices in life. I suppose my silver lining is that I sincerely try to do better, and I feel that inside I am a better person than everyone thinks I am. Everyone tells me how intelligent I am, but it seems like I can't convert that intelligence into a sustainable existence no matter how hard I try. | |
My first suggestion is a serious one. Have you ever considered Alcoholics Anonymous? There are local chapters of it everywhere. It'll help you with your goal of staying sober and it'll give you a positive social network. It'll even give you a contact person. Mentioning that you are unemployed can also get you help from the group. Stay around the positive, long-term people. They help. That's why they are there. In turn, you can help others.
Look for jobs related to the degree you will be finishing. If it is writing apply for internships or positions in an office that allows you to work with editors. If your field is mechanical look for tech. related positions. Don't just go for any old job. I would suggest visiting your college's writing lab and getting help on your resume and interviewing skills. A lot of people make mistakes and society does forgive; it's just hard out here for everyone right now. The whole world is suffering economically, it's not just you.
Aim for a relevant, clean, positive workplace. When you have that, no matter the pay, no matter the job title, your self-esteem will soar! It'll mean your taking steps to your ultimate goal. To your career, to your self reliance.
Dating seems like it should be on the back burner right now. If Ms. Right passes, ask her out, but there are other things that you can do to fix your self esteem first. Maybe try being social in a group where rejection and social status won't be so important. If you are taking classes join a study group or a local club that focuses on your interests. Do you play music? Write? Build things? Do math? Love history? There is bound to be a group of people who want to talk about those things. If not, start a group! Anyone who likes sitting in coffee shops reading can find a like minded person. Discuss books or newspapers with other students! Join a book club. You'll find a lot of women there too.
Lastly, be honest and open with any woman you meet. I hope you have seen a medical doctor about your condition. If not, do so immediately. Ask about risk.
When you meet a woman be honest and open, about everything. That way you can expect her to be the same. If she's not, you should be the one to leave. By the same token, if you're not, she will leave you. Aim for a healthy mutual understanding.
Seems like you are a great guy and your ex gf was this huge bitchy whore. If no job prospects, have you ever thought about joining the military or something to that effect? Why not try what ur ex gf did and teach english abroad? Just don't give up. You're young. You have time and it will not always be this way. Best of luck.
New Comment