I'm so sick of myself. I'm sick of being alive. I just want to kill myself. I'm not looking for attention or anyone to pitty. I have the worst life ever. I'm 15 turning 16 in about a month. My "house" is basically a public building it seems like. Everyone just just comes and goes. My mom is so worthless to me. She's not even my real mom. I've just known her since I was little. People come to give her drugs and a bunch of random people are always sleeping in the house that I have no clue who they are. My mom is such a whore druggy. Fuck her. My oldrr "brother is a fucking bitch." He doesn't care that his fucking friend. Always trys to fight me. He's 5 fucking years older than me. And a lot bigger. I'm small for my age. But if I was bigger I would stomp his ass. I fucking hate him. Everytime I see him I clinch my teeth so hard I get headaches. I just wana fuck him up. I just wana take him in the basement and torture him like a nazi. I want to do terrible things to that motherfucker. I would never do that tho. I just cry about it really. Things never change. My school is so half ass and ghetto. I get jumped hard atleast every year by motherfuckers. I hate people. I can fight like a mother fucker. I'm just small. No one has my back. I'm worthless. I always wonder when ill be able to get clothes. Espeacially warm clothes. I'm so poor and I can't get a job. Most won't even give me a application. Probably cuz I stink. Its so sad, even to me. I know it sounds weird but I do feel bad for myself. its true.. Lifes a bitch and I wish I could fight it. I know I'm good looking guy. I just have a natuarlly good looking face. But I'm the poorest fucking scrubbiest guy in the world. Nothing matters to me. I would join the army if I could pass there test things. But I took it twice and did soiooo bad. My life is junk. I live this life. Its sooo fucking weird. Why am I alive. I wake up to nothing. I have one item I charrish. And its a nice phone that doesn't work. And I can only charge it at school. No one knows I have it. They would take. I don't even think about killing myself. When I look into the mirrior I just see a person that looks like they survived a night after watching horrible things. I just feel I was meant to be somebody and never got a slight chance.. But I'm sure a lot of people feel that way. I'm always hurting. My body is always fucking hurting. From people hurting me. I wish I was pyscho enough to murder people. I do. But I'm not. I want to kill myself but can't. Because then ill just burn in hell forever. So I just have to wait for somebody to kill me. I don't want to go to hell. I just know my body is gona be found somewhere all mangled up and fucked by Some sick son a bitch. I know this weak and "feel sorry for me". But its true. This what I live believe it or not... And when they find my body nobody will give a mother fuck about the body. Nobody. It just makes me sooooo mother fucking mad. Makes me want to kill. But I can't.... No body fucking cares about this person. Me. I just cry. I'm cryinh now. Its makes me so sad reading this. Cuz its fucking true. | |
And don't take those 'tests' you say you took for the military too seriously. How can you even think straight in your present circumstances? When you're 18 is when you can go take that ASVAB and you'll do fine. In the meantime, how about learning another language or two? Do NOT talk about your studies at home, just do it. That will help your prospects a lot and give you a wider choice of people to talk to. It saved my ass when I was young, got me out of the worst of miseries, because I could always just choose another group to associate with and get a break from what was bothering me.
If your family life is this bad and you feel this trapped think about your future. You do have a future. Don't let yourself get trampled down! Think about how good you will make your life once its in your own hands. Think about all the things you will do right for yourself that all the authority figures in your life have failed to do for you.
I know this is hard, but think about your 18th birthday as the day of freedom. Think about it being like let out of a prison. From that day forward you are the person you will be your own!
Life throws a lot of curve balls but its worth thinking about what you want and start aiming for it. Do you know what kind of job you would be interested in? Start taking classes that move you toward that goal.
Think about moving. You may want to put space between yourself and your family members who are inciting the anger. You have to wait two more years, you have to finish school, but what of the immense stretch of time after that? Would you like to live in a big town? A small city? A place by the ocean? Would you like to work on computers? Would you like to be a journalist? Would you like to be a nurse? Would you like to be lawyer? Would you like to help other kids in your situation? Start thinking about it. You can ask your high school guidance councilor about training or google it. Trust me, having a goal makes your heart feel light.
It won't be perfect, but when you're 18 you'll have a chance. Be careful and keep being strong. Keep a dream (a realistic dream helps) in your mind. Don't tell anyone and don't let them get you down. You can be reborn through your own effort.
You are clearly a very, very strong person. You need to think about what you want and avoid the major pitfalls along the way (don't do drugs, don't have children to young, don't get arrested, don't go into much debt, avoid violence whenever possible (but keep yourself safe!), and don't ever hurt yourself).
Be proud of surviving this and think about the peace and quiet and safety that you'll have and how it'll be entirely of your own making. A lot of people can't say that. Be proud of your own strength and trust yourself to make all those good things come true.
I wish you luck and happiness.
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