I have been battling depression now for half of my life, and I turn 25 this Tuesday. Just when I think things can't get any worse, they always do. I am a stay at home mom to a 3 year old. His father and I have been together for 5 years, and he has recently revealed that he doesn't really love me. That he's just with me for our son. To him I'm nothing. I want to get out, but we live in a small town and I don't have a car. He works split shifts six days a week and won't let me borrow his car so I can get a job to save money to get out. Living with family is not an option. I have lost about 50 lbs in the past year and have no money for new clothes, so I look like a ragamuffin. I am ashamed to go out into public with my old, threadbare, falling-apart, too big clothes. All this, and he makes plenty of money to help me get on my own two feet... He just doesn't care enough about me to do so. I cry myself to sleep every night knowing the man next to me has never loved me and has been the biggest waste of my time. I just wish I could crawl into a hole and never come out... I wish I could fall asleep and never wake up. Hell, I wish I could just put a gun to my head and pull the trigger (I fantasize about it several times a day) but I can't bear the thought of my little man growing up without a mommy. So here I am with nobody to love me, except the little boy I can't even provide for. Plus, this Tuesday is my birthday and the few friends I do have are too busy doing other stuff to bother with spending time with me. Happy birthday to me... And no, it doesn't beat the alternative.