I was born to be miserable. In every aspect of my life, I was destined to fail. First, I had the extreme misfortune to be born to an abusive, mentally-ill bastard of a dad who likes to scream, control, play mind-games, blame, and knock his kids/wife around whenever he gets pissed off enough (which can be at any moment, as he doesn't really need a reason). His main purpose in life is make everyone as miserable as he is by controlling them to death until they leave from exasperation, like my older half-siblings did. But unfortunately I can't follow suit. He's abusive in every way except sexually, as he knows my mother would kill him. He only gets worse with age, just like his father before him. Such a nice family legacy to live up to! I've struggled with depression and anxiety since I was 17, which was the first time I tried to kill myself. Despite this, I did manage to escape the bullies of elementary, middle, and high school, if not necessarily unscathed. However, my nervous disorder and suicidal behavior have only worsened over time, culminating in my having to drop out of college without a degree, after struggling for 10 years to make it. A fact my father never stops holding over my head, and causing him to finally get so fed up that he's about to kick me out of the house, not caring that I have nowhere else to go, which is why I've put up with his garbage for so long. Still living at home with my parents as an adult, allows me the distinct privilege of listening to my parents fight as their loveless marriage only seems to hit new-found lows. Not to mention the fact that its made my possibility of getting a job dwindle down to nil. On top of all of this, I've had health problems for the last two years, and the doctors have been unable to find out what's wrong (I've had to pay for each visit out of pocket, since I have no insurance, which my father also likes to use against me). I have migraines all the time, liver/kidney problems, various infections, vision, dental problems, etc that I can't afford to do anything about since I'm broke, and my dad sure as hell isn't going to pay for it, not that he has much money since he's retired, but what he does have he spends only on himself. I'm inherently screwed up, even on a genetic level! To the point that I'm apparently so repellent physically/emotionally that I haven't even been asked out on a date by a man in 7 years. I've only had 5 major relationships in my life and am still a virgin. So, suffice it to say, I'm very lonely (and horny!). But on the other hand, I'm somewhat glad to be alone, as I wouldn't make a very good mate for anyone, as I have absolutely nothing to offer them except misery; seems I'm my father's daughter after all, despite trying all my life not to be. But at least I'm not my mother, and married to someone like him (or god forbid worse!). And I'm very afraid of men anyway, since every man in my life had let me down or abused me, from my father on down, to my asshole brother, to every man I've ever dated/been related to. And yet, as much as I hate men, they are all that I'm sexually attracted to (I'm a masochist that way). I sometimes think it would be at least marginally better if I were gay. At least then I would know why I'm so different and feel so cut off from everyone around me. As I approach my 28th birthday I feel like the world's biggest loser as I'm nowhere near where I thought or wanted to be at this age. An unmarried, childless, nutcase who's not only afraid of her own shadow but is a college dropout with no future or even the slim hope of one. I've been to therapists and doctors, taken anti-depression and anti-anxiety medications and none of it has worked even a little bit or made me feel even a tiny bit better about myself or my life. Everyday that I wake up and open my eyes is another day of misery and degradation. All of which leaves me wanting to give into my dark thoughts all over again, if only to escape the constant struggles and heartache. The only thing that keeps me from it is the thought of how it would affect my mother, who I love and very protective of even though she can't help me and only seeks to heap more guilt upon me. But at least she somewhat cares about me, whether its out of true need or obligation, I don't know or care. My other family members don't care though, not just because they have they're own problems to deal with, but because they're selfish jerks who only pay enough attention to me to criticize me for not living up to their unrealistic expectations of me. The worst are my younger sisters who only care about themselves and their boyfriends, only noticing me long enough to cast despairing glances in my direction and pretend that they're not related to me. No matter what anyone says, I keep waiting for things to improve and they never do, they only get that much worse every year. The few times that I've tried to fix things or create change for myself have backfired on me in such monumental ways. And yet, I've tried everything I can think of, so I'm at the end of my rope, as nothing works or changes. I've tried positive thinking, meds, talk-therapy, and prayer; all of which have failed despite my best efforts and left me feeling all the more empty/useless. All of that in a nutshell, is why my life sucks and continues to suck beyond any possible telling of it. | |
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