LIFE SUCKS

welcome to my life.

This is the story of how my life sucks. Ready? Okay. Now rewind back to 1995, back when my dad was arrested for throwing a lamp at my mom. I was too young then to realize what that involved, except for anger between two people. The two of them seemed okay to me afterwards, so as a child I didn't think too much of it. I have a much better understanding of all the possible outcomes of that now. She could have saved us all some trouble and heartache by divorcing him then for being abusive, which I was led to believe was normal that whole time. fast forward through a few more oblivious years of that cycle, minus the arrest. Dad quits his comfortable job for an ego trip. "A dozen companies will be fighting over me for an executive job," he thinks, becaue that was what he'd been doing for the last decade. Then the economy crashed. This was around when gas prices first started becoming something to really complain about. So he sticks around the house being a general douchebag, living off unemployment money and tellng the rest of us how lazy we are. two more years of this, and he realized he couldn't go like that forever, so he decided to first cut me off from my friends at my church and the girl I liked at the time, that was first depressive pit. then, jut as I was making new friends, he up and moves us from the west coast to the east coast. The parents both love it because all our relatives live right near each other there. so we set up shop at the grandparents' place. it's old, falling apart, and lonely. Everyone's just waiting to die. I had no friends for about a year there. That was the second depressive pit. It's always tense there. One time My dad called my mom an asshole for not making him a pot of coffee. I told him to not talk to my mom that way, but he played the Head of the Household card. after a delightful yelling match, I ran away for a few hours. Just walked out on him. I came back later that day,but that was one of th first times he had no control over me.
Eventually Dad decided it was time to quit living off the grandparents, so he buys a house. It's better than the antique couch I had to look forward to before, but it still wasn't that great. By this time I'll note that I had a small handful of friends. I also got a crappy job, but that's the best you can expet at my age then. then it all went down. I came back, luckily missing a fight between my parents that apparently changed everything. She threatened to leave, and two days after, she made it good. I and my sister went with her cos we didn't want to be around when he found out. so we're living t some other relative's house, anhe's caling us incessantly, begging, making threats, the whole nine yards. after a month of that, a pastor gets involved in this and tells my mom she's sinning by not living in the same house as my dad. so she decides to go back to the house and OD on antidepressants. Best part? I found her and had to wake her up while my dad called the paramedics. we went to the hospital with her, and my dad stayed overnight. He made me go home and stay all by myself to deal with it. No support at all. I stayed that night and 30 more nights with a friend's family. During that time I lost my job. It's been two months at that point since I'd lived at home, and about two years since I'd been on the west coast.that was the third depressive pit, but also like a continuation of the last.
fast forward to today. they're getting a divorce. I live at home. Mom won't make ay kind of comunication with Dad. They make me send messages to each other. it keeps getting worse. I'm still as depressed as ever. but now I'm expected to pay just under $500 a month to live with my own family. I can't expect any more than minimum wage, but even afford to live at home. I wanted to give my dad some of his own clothes the other day, but my mom threatened to kick me out if I did. She's become as much a monster as He ever was. the only difference is that I don't expect that from her, only from him.
I am so depressed now. I can't get motivated to get up. I don't have nearly enough money for rent. I don't barely eat anymore. maybe it'll make my rent less. I'm screwed at thi point. my life is completely hopeless. I've got nothing. I've definitely considered suicide. I mean, at least I can afford it. My biggest fear is that I'll try, get caught and "saved" and have to stay like this AND have attention drawn to it. Somehow people think that this is better than death. you'll have to explain that one to me.