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It is what it is

Posted by Spear at February 4, 2012
Tags: 2012 February  Friendship  Health  Relationship

There is no good and there is only bad. I like those words. I am a 34 yr old man and I have suffered from psoriasis since I was 14. It immediately flared and covered my entire body. It gets dry and it cracks and it bleeds all over my chest, arms and legs and at night I rip away at it because it itches and it never stops. My legs my arms my head and face, even my genitals have all been affected at one time or another. I am flared up now and have been for months.

I have had people laugh at me and make fun of me pretty much the entire teenage years of my life. I learned to not talk much and to not attract attention to myself and the summers I would still wear winter clothes. I grew up being ashamed of myself and hating myself, hiding myself because of that shame.

I had about 6 friends. Not really friends but degenerates to smoke weed with and get drunk with and cut school. There was no way I was going back into a school so I could get into endless fights and be made fun of. I was and am no punk. I do fight back. But this world is not like a movie, just because you fight back does not make one the winner. All it did for me was get me in trouble and further make the hate grow inside me.

However the few friends i did have grew up and there are no friends anymore. From the age of 20 to 27 I lived and was alone and the psoriasis never left me. I have tried so many medications and some have cleared me. Even when I am clear the psoriasis is in my brain. My social skills are non existent and I dont have those emotions that make people laugh. The happy emotions that keep life fun. I lost them all over the last 20 years.

It gets worse. I found a girl I thought accepted me and loved me. Our relationship lasted nearly 7 years (starting when I was 27 roughly). She cheated on me and left me but not before giving me HPV. So now I have genital warts on top of everything else and when she left me which was recently it was out of the blue and she told me only after she was back in Ohio with her family. I found out when she announced it on FB so that everyone could get a good laugh at how stupid I was. All those promises. All that talk about love and all those plans are gone and garbage now. I sleep alone in an apt and its quiet because everything reminds me of her. No TV, No music and no games. I had a friend, I had a lover a partner till the end I thought and I opened my heart and soul to this person and they betrayed the last bit of me that was happy. Now there is no way I will ever make that mistake again. Absolutely no one can be trusted and I am done, truly fucking done being humiliated. When someone says I love you to me I know it will be a lie. There's more in the details. The nervous breakdowns and the quivering crying broken man on the floor. The night terrors and insomnia but Im not here to write a book I just wanted to share a little bit to an interesting site. Take care everyone.


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