Since the day I turned 17 I have been making all the wrong decisions in my life. I'm 24 right now, being super unhappy with everything I've done in my life. I have basically done everything to please my parents, more than myself, its finally taking its toll, and don't get me wrong, I might have done it to please my parents, but it was my fault, it was my decision. On top of that, I also took a decision to a path of loneliness where I was happy being with myself mostly. At 24 I have not kissed someone, let alone dated someone, and I have issues feeling attracted to guys. I have very few friends, and I'm not sure to what extent are they true friend, I don't really trust them enough to tell them this things and at times I feel like they're incredibly selfish, I'm there for them in no time, they're not for me when I need them.
I have also just recently had an issue of mixing reality with ciber reality badly. I thought, still think I fell in love with a guy I met a few years back on the internet. He's basically the closest I felt to being a soulmate but not in the sense that he completes me, but he gets me in many things, but he's completely different to me in a lot of other things, he's everything I ever wanted in a guy (and I know maybe I'm making it up in my mind, but we have been so intimate that I refuse to believe its just that) and we respect each other despite of that. He kind of felt the same for me for a while...but then he found a girlfriend, and he's gonna marry her. The one thing I looked forward in my life, the one thing that kept me going sane...and I've lost him. And I know it may sound crazy, but I could've met him a few years back, but I took the wrong decision...to do something that isn't satisfying me, nor is it going to give me any tool in the future. And I know if I would've met him something would've happened. I'm always going to live with the "it should've been me" regret.
My life is the same every day, boring, I have no love, I want to have some love not because society tells me but cause I genuely want to...I feel horrible each passing day. I hate everyday. I just feel like a worthless human being and I want to die as soon as possible. I don't want to commit suicide but I just want to die now. I wish I never existed just so there was no record of how stupidly pathetic my life has been.