I quit my job in anger two weeks ago, have huge loans to pay off that I can't manage right now, I have to live with my friend for the summer because otherwise I would go completely bankrupt and I have completed no education even though I'm approaching 30 years old. I drink too much and I'm a casual drug user. Hard ones, only a few times a year, marihuana daily. I had a chaotic love life all my adult life, but before christmas I finally met someone mature and stable that I could have build a relationship with. I drove him away by drinking, causing scenes and behaving erratically for a number of times. Now we don't talk at all. Last year I had an abortion that affected me so much, I am still dreaming of becoming pregnant and terrified of it at the same time. The man that got me pregnant told me I was an unfit mother and pretty much broke me down in order to make me have the abortion. I was so hurt because I really cared for him and I never suspected he would behave like that with an unplanned pregnancy. That was also one of the reasons I felt so ok with this man I met, because he already had a vasectomy years back and couldn't get me pregnant. So I enjoyed sex for the first time in a long time and I was so charmed with this guy's charisma. He has four kids whom he loves deeply. I was always touched by the way he put them first. He wanted to marry me, but when he realized my drug issues he told me I would have to quit them before we could have a relationship. Even so, we spent time together while our arguments escalated. I don't know if he understands that they are intertwined with pshycological problems.
We stopped talking a week ago now and I have no rational hope of getting him back, but I still long to see him. I know I have to stop hoping, but my heart and my head disagrees. We are supposed to have a coffee when the month ends, but I feel more and more that he simply doesn't care about me as he hasn't contacted me, even if I knew he wouldn't I just said and did too much and his feelings towards me completely died. I put him through a lot of stupid arguments, where he would try to get some space whereas I would call him and text him obsessively. I guess I'm not mentally stable even though I have never been diagnosed with anything or had therapy. It's so difficult focusing to get a job or fix my life right now when I keep drifting into this negative thought spiral. To top it all my ex from years back, whom I always considered the love of my life, is having a baby with his girlfriend this year. I accidentally saw them a few weeks back. Thinking about this and the abortion I had is not making my life easier. I feel like a complete failure as I have no ambitions in life, no goals and I am pretty much just drifting. | |
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