Years (Decades) ago, I had hopes, dreams and maybe a bit of idealistic thoughts about how it would be nice to have a home, family and friends. Then reality slapped the crap out of me. Hard to make friends when the females think you're a loser, guys think you're strange (Or a homosexual) and your family basicly looks at you like you're mentally handicapped.
You are laughed at for any thoughts, so you don't tell them anymore. then after school and hide in your room and fantsize abut how life SHOULD be. Then you come dowstairs for dinner only to be reminded that you're a loser in a family and frankly not wanted!
Then you get to work, since you dropped out of high school, the places you can work are far and few. But you get to work and then you find out that the people you work for, try and cheat you for your hours, or the person who pulls up for gas tells you one thing then claims they never said that.
You gaze (At times) at the rifle you had bought to use to go hunting. But with the "Friends" who said they'd take you along "Forgot" their promise, you find that the only use now would be if you were the target. The problem with that is your Mother feared for this as your Father did have the guts to do it when you were young and so she got you involved with a church.
Oh and were THEY ever helpfull! You thought school was bad? How about adding the derision you got from school and adding it onto the weekends! Scouts (Waste of time) or serving the church (Hypocrites) and basically having nobody explain to you what it is you're seeking as YOU don't have a clue!
Then it happens, you find love, as best as you can fashion it, you FOUND IT! The world is beautiful, the birds sing, there's a spring in your step..But then 10 years go by and you are left alone again with a soul so torn you might as well chuck it as it's pretty much beyond repair.
Because of past religious dealings, you are to cowardly to get a cheap pistol and end it once and for all. So now you go day by day and just exist. You eat your meals alone, you rent movies and surf the web. You work with no eagerness, only waiting for the bell to ring so you can go home to nothing.
The end has come and went, you didn't physically die, but the rest of you did and now you have nothing to look forward to except death who maddeningly steps around you daily and laughs at your pathetic existence and won't end it yet. | |
of the fact that ive read so many stories on this website over the last few months, and contributed one or two of my own, but i can honestly say that your story or outlook was/is one of the most hard hitting. Its an amazing thing when you can read someone elses post, and keep reading knowing all the while that you've been there (still there) yourself. To see that another person has had such a similar experience to your own, (possibly on the other side of the world, who knows?) is really something.
I really wish i had something else to say, to add to the post given here, but you pretty much summed it up. All i do know is i cant pinpoint when exactly in my own existence that all but the physical life left me, but it seems to be long gone now. It felt like it was there once,
though never in its entirety, but then you are finally crushed by the weight of it all, yet still carry on.
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