Hey, so i am an almost 25 year old woman and at the moment i am having a very hard time holding myself together. I live in a part of the world where the society is composed of people from all over the world. i always felt like an outcast, never connected with my own culture anymore as i have been living in another country more than half my life. I was always an over achiever, by 20 i finished my undergrad, by 22 my post grad with distinction. At 22 i became a manager for one of the biggest healthcare companies in the country and now i was head hunted by o government organization in another city, giving me an offer i could not imagine in my wildest dreams. I didn't have a father growing up. he passed away at a very young age. My mother has been my angel and pillar of support. I come from a mixed culture mixed religion family. No matter how much i have done with my professional life my personal life was always a disaster. Last year i started something with a guy from my own culture. Although was sworn against such men, everyone seemed to be telling me it's time to settle. So i started seing him. although at the beginning i said no, he begged and pleaded until i thought he did truly love me and i should give him a shot. Little did i know that he would be abusive and he would suck out every once of energy i had in me. i fell in love of course. Taking the emotional and verbal abuse, while he criticized every single aspect of me. i am not a bad looking person but i never saw myself beautiful. he would always say i was and he wanted to marry me and so on so fourth, but he never told me i was smart or that he appreciated my drive in life. He had no education not even a high school degree. He had a good job because of his father however, zero knowledge and super stubborn. It was not his fault that while i spent my years studying he spent them drinking and womanizing, it was my fault for achieving what i did in life. He destroyed me my sense of self, the little love i had for myself. we broke up not so long ago in a very bad way (2 weeks) he is now with another woman. She is beautiful, just his style, i saw they together holding hands. She is vulgar but gorgeous, something i cannot match to. I feel i cant go on. I never thought he would cheat or lie he always made me believe i was the liar and i did everything wrong and now reality punched me in the face. The job i have been offered and just accepted yesterday after 7 months of interviewing is in the same city he works, we were supposed to move there together. He thinks the offer got cancelled and i will no longer go. I know very well it would sting him if he knew and he might be coming back but i cannot take him back. I hate myself, i am depressed, i feel i cannot go on, i am so afraid of moving alone to that city where i have so many bad memories in. I just want to hide. I cry all the time. Can barely function at work (thank god i am about to resign), i have self harmed to numb my pain. And all i think about is that he is 5 buildings away from my house in the apartment we chose for him together because he wanted to be close to me but i could not move in with him as he was abusive and i said he needed to change. He is there on the bed we chose together with this other woman. and i feel i am going crazy! i feel i am worthless. I have a shrink appointment today and i am already on anti anxiety pills. My birthday is in three days, 5 days ago was our anniversary for which he never showed up. and here i am....shattered!