I don't feel happy and I cant find the reason.
I just find it tiring and tiring to tell myself to stay positive.
I am working for the sake of money and studying for the sake of a degree.
My results are failing me.
I cant seem to be motivated, i avoid social parties, i do not have a friend i can really talk to. My ex best fren of ten years left me for her bf. WtF?
I dont trust anyone after so much has happened. I can't even trust my bf? But i am still with him? WtF?
What is wrong with me?
I would like to study hard and work hard but I am sick of working full time, and i am lazy after working to study?
My 'dad' comes home everyday talking about money to me? Like I am his atm ? He is full of shit and a gambler, who talks big. I helped him by using my identity to loan from the bank to clear his debts. I am not sure, if he doesnt returns me to return to the bank, I might as well jump down as i am not able to return the loan for him.
My mum sleeps all day. My sister is out all day. I feel like there's no home at all. And i should be used to it, but I am still sad. Because it's hard not to compare. My friends my colleagues all have a home they call to. They go out every week, they talk over dinner.
I don't. Im glad if no one at home is quarrelling.
I am so sick of smiling.
I don't feel interested in anything anymore. I feel like there's nothing to live for. Except nothing but money. Money talks big. Money brings happiness.
There's bills, fees, and endless comparison. I am so tired of all this. Take my job if you are unable to find one. I can eat on grass, or rather, let me starve to death. I am so tired of all this responsibilites i have to shudder.
I feel like i am becoming like my mum, sleeping all day. I can sleep all day if i wan to, if i have no job. Because i am not interested in anything anymore. I am so tired of this life. Kill me right now, let my family have a lump sum of money after i die, wait, let me purchase more insurance first.
Then perhaps everyone will be happy with the money they have.
It's weekend and i have no where to go to.
My bf needs his own time.
I feel like a needy bitch, if he doesnt meet me,i feel unwanted. I feel sad for him to have a gf like me.
I feel like I wanna go out meet other guys to fill up my emptiness. I chanced upon a handsome banker, and would like to talk to him. Since my bf doesnt want to meet me, and I am a lonely bitch, maybe i should try meeting other guys, even if they are just friends, to make him jealous, if he even cares.
Maybe I should end up with some rich guy, not a poor bloke like my bf, so that I will have more money, be happier perhaps! And i do not have to count my money like a beggar.
My company goes on outings but i decline because they always spend a lot. I seem like a loser to them and so anti social.
Yes I am a loser. I am 22 years old and a loser. Kill me right now. I do not feel like living anymore. I have nothing to look forward to anymore. Except endless bills, endless payments, endless stress. I dont even know if i can graduate anymore. I am so tired of this life. Fucking kill me.
Yeah i am young so what. My friends are enjoying in campus,whereas i cant enjoy full time campus life, but work my ass in sitting in a cubicle, studying at night does not work for me. I get tired easily, i wonder why.
yes I wonder why. maybe i am jus a lazy fat ass.
i am.
yea, i am.
shut the fuck up, i do not look forward to anything now. I am fat, ugly, poor, no future bitch. My bf looks at other girls, and when i mind, he says he did not. He is a bastard. I can kill him off right now. I am gettin pyschotic. Perhaps i should see a mental family doctor.
Before i get into a rage like my dad.
WHo gets drunk every now and then and asking for money.
FML.
I should quit my job, school and everything, and sleep my life away. Or rather, get someone to kill me right now, i am so tired and my heart is pain.I cry like every day, over nothing. I think i have depression. Curing needs money, isnt it? | |
Well, I did read your post- and you sound very, very, frustrated. Financial issues are ALWAYS stressful, and it was really generous of you to pay off your dad's gambling debts. Unfortunately, gambling in my opinion, is right up there with alcoholism. People just can't STOP! And you're now caught in the middle- No wonder your depressed! Obviously, between studying, working, and taking care of your family, you are not allowing time for YOU! You're burnt out sister- not surprisingly....
BUT you can't quit- please don't stop trying to get your degree, lose your job, it will be even worse than it is now.... You need to put pressure on your dad to pay you back. You're in a tough spot- I feel for you. But, I would have done the same thing for my dad too. Family. If you could afford to see a therapist, I would recommend doing so? It does help to talk- and vent. They may be able to offer you some solutions to your predicament too...
Be strong D-
This too shall pass and please don't lose hope-
Cursed
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