Need to get this out,
When I enlisted a few years ago, I never figured on being lonely due to constantly being around people. Truth is, everyday is a fight not to find some secluded spot and rip my eyes out for no reason other than I hate what I am. I never feel close to humans. I do not know how or why, but I just cannot bond with them. I lead a small group of five junior enlisted that look up to me for advice in the workplace and in life. I can recite processes and tasks with ease. I can teach the dumbest private anything he wishes to learn. However I cant fucking have a conversation that doesn't end in an awkward silence. Or carry on a "friendship" for longer than a week. That's just in the friendship aspect of life, you should see my sex life! I use women. Hands down, no lies, wolf in mother-fucking sheep's clothing. It's a stage performance every-time I go out. Converse, find weaknesses, capitalize, do the deed, and run. Run because I know I can never give them what they need. What am I going to do when they want some one to confide in, some one to trust with there emotions. Stare at them blankly and tell them I don't understand because I've never had that emotion?
My father is also quite the sociopath and tried to explain to me that if you "fake it" for long enough you just turn into that role. You are created based on the character you choose. If it were only that easy, I wish. I will not commit to suicide nor do I feel like going postal. I just wish I could understand myself better, thus allowing me to change this thing that I am. This empty case of a human being I have become.
Thanks for reading.