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What, is this...life?

Posted by anonymous at April 19, 2012
Tags: 2012 April  Sociopathy

Need to get this out,

When I enlisted a few years ago, I never figured on being lonely due to constantly being around people. Truth is, everyday is a fight not to find some secluded spot and rip my eyes out for no reason other than I hate what I am. I never feel close to humans. I do not know how or why, but I just cannot bond with them. I lead a small group of five junior enlisted that look up to me for advice in the workplace and in life. I can recite processes and tasks with ease. I can teach the dumbest private anything he wishes to learn. However I cant fucking have a conversation that doesn't end in an awkward silence. Or carry on a "friendship" for longer than a week. That's just in the friendship aspect of life, you should see my sex life! I use women. Hands down, no lies, wolf in mother-fucking sheep's clothing. It's a stage performance every-time I go out. Converse, find weaknesses, capitalize, do the deed, and run. Run because I know I can never give them what they need. What am I going to do when they want some one to confide in, some one to trust with there emotions. Stare at them blankly and tell them I don't understand because I've never had that emotion?

My father is also quite the sociopath and tried to explain to me that if you "fake it" for long enough you just turn into that role. You are created based on the character you choose. If it were only that easy, I wish. I will not commit to suicide nor do I feel like going postal. I just wish I could understand myself better, thus allowing me to change this thing that I am. This empty case of a human being I have become.

Thanks for reading.


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Comments:
By Cursed at 20,Apr,12 14:19

Dear Friend-
First of all, thank you for serving our country and keeping us safe- Secondly, you have the power to change. We all do, but most of the time it's easier just to go with what we know... I'm willing to bet that if you were to talk to a therapist, they could explain why you feel the way you do? Life is learned. Everything we do, everything we say, boils down to the fact that we learned it from somewhere-
If you want to change- if you want to get close to people, and establish a bond, then you're going to have to work at that. For some people making friends is easy. But for most of us, it's scary to put your neck out- just to be rejected.... Friendships, relationships, everything takes work. Which is why it's easier just being a loner. I would think that the military offers "therapy"? You should take advantage of it. Therapists are expensive, but they are worth it, if you can find a good one.
Again, thank you for your sacrifice and I wish you luck-
Cursed


By anonymous at 21,Apr,12 21:54

Why not go to mental health in the military. If you're lucky, you may receive a medical discharge. Receive disability checks for life. Get stoned and party.


By anonymous at 07,May,12 22:04

I feel deep sympathy for your situation only because it seems to be causing you pain. Personally, I wish I could trade places with you. Being connected to people, especially women, leads to a great deal of pain. I wish I had no emotions. I would love to go through life as a computer surrounded by flesh. Being human is a fucking nightmare no matter how you look at it. Good luck.


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