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untitled story

Posted by Scarlett at April 19, 2012
Tags: 2012 April  Money  Relationship  Unemployment

I met the boy of my dreams the day someone else moved into my apartment. I loved that person, but we were completely wrong for each other. I helped him come out as bi and trans, and we tried an open relationship, but he broke the terms we set repeatedly and didn't care if it hurt me. I lost a lot of friends for dating a boy instead of a girl and because friends didn't like him, so I wanted to try to make it work, and tried for nearly 2 years. I'm stubborn like that.

I broke up with him and got together with the aforementioned boy of my dreams, only we slept together while I was with the other person.

If my self esteem didn't hurt enough from being cheated on, around the same time I exhausted 99 weeks of unemployment. I spent 2 months with no income. I sold some things I loved and had sex with some people to make rent. No one knows about the sex part. It is the scariest thing I've ever experienced. I still have nightmares about being evicted from my apartment, my cats dying of starvation, etc. It was made worse because when I went to interviews and then later to a job where they treated me like a retard who should be grateful to get paid $75/week and told me they would give me more than eight hours a week only if I was able to singlehandedly make up for all their poor business choices. When they fired me, I tried to kill myself.

I have debts I can't pay. They call me on average of 3 times a day. I finally got not only one job but three briefly, and I feel insecure all the time. I'm constantly afraid of being thrown away and unemployed again. My main job is one where I work with teenage girls who act like stupid things are catastrophic which means I have trouble relating and I think they wish I wasn't there. I'm clumsy and shy and my boss confuses it for kinda stupid.

My current bf and I have been through a lot together and now we live together, but my insecurity is destroying our relationship, so is the fact that he wants an open relationship and I'm scared he will leave when he finds someone who's not so fucked up. My sex drive is higher, and I don't seem to get the "honeymoon phase." I'm miserable about never getting any and feel ugly when he rejects me. I'm constantly spying on him when he's not home to see if he's cheating.

I don't feel like I'm good enough for anything or anyone. I feel like a worthless freak all the time and I don't think there's really anything I can do about it. I spend all my time doing stuff like putting on makeup, working out, and working so maybe I can look like I'm a normal, worthwhile human being.


New Comment

By at 20,Apr,12 12:29

good day love, i hate you and your pathetic life. the Queen hates you also. I hope that a lorry comes along and the two of you meet in the middle of the lane. You my dear are a three week old brown trout. God save the Queen
By anonymous at 20,Apr,12 18:52

Please ignore the fucking idiot above me. Good luck with getting your life together and building your selfasteem! Try to find someone who only wants you and no one else. It's hard as hell, but I think that's how a relationship should be!
By anonymous at 22,Apr,12 21:20 Fold Up

Fuck the queen, fuck the 'llorry' fuck England and fuck YOU

By take a look at it! at 25,Oct,13 18:11

a7P62O Muchos Gracias for your article.Really thank you! Great.

New Comment