just browsing things, and stumbled on this website. It looks like an easy place to rant. no one knows who anyone is and they can care or not. But at least the feelings are being said right?
I know I'm not even close to the worst case out there. but that doesn't mean the pain is any less real.
I'm 21 years old. in the 2nd grade I had to learn what an affair is, when my mom sent me to therapy due to my father cheating on her. All the way up until.. well. still. I would catch him looking at things on the computer. People my own age. As well as knowing his multiple affairs. I watched my mom drink herself into crazy abusive spells. Watched my father abuse her and my siblings. We've always been poor. struggling. Live in a trailer where the floor is literally rotting and collapsing. I developed an OCD in middle school. i'd pick at spots on my arms due to stress. And those turned into scars. Since then I've been made fun of for it. still have acne from stress and poor nutrition, etc even. If anyone looks at me, it's not in a nice way. I was alone through high school because I hated how people acted. I hated the nonstop bull to get the most popularity, The parties. Etc. I always thought people should do more with themselves. So I had no friends. A few I spoke with, but they never gave a damn, ya know? my brothers both went to iraq. My sister suffered with high anxiety and we often got into physical fights. By 17, i quit and joined the not so amazing pot crowd. Fell in with a new friend, who hooked me up with a new boyfriend. Drank. smoked. first time I had sex, yet very much unware of it. I drank so much that other men did that too. I had no idea. but I guess that's my own fault. i pulled myself out of it and dismissed my friend after about a year. She continued on to harder things, even ended up in jail. I set my future to pre-veterinary school. With a double major in entrepreneurship. To have my own clinic someday. i met a nice guy, or so I thought. After awhile though... I found out about his literally stripper friends.. his cheating. His drugs. His drinking. His clubs. His parties. About the same time I also found out I was pregnant by him. i didn't believe in abortion. He left me alone. Even when I though I was having a miscarriage in the hospital, bleeding. He wasn't there. All nine months. i took him back, because a family is a family I guess. he lived with me for two weeks.. still on dating sites, still doing it all. Left after a big fight. He may have left some bruises, but hey I got a punch to him in the face right? lol. wasn't around until she was 14 months old. Then took me to court. And the courts gave him half. Despite his drug, activities, everything. Thanks justice system. It tore me apart. I was so happy with her. Such a great mom. But watching her scream for me as he took her. It murdered me. I am still, at her 19 months of age now, still insanely depressed. i can hardly play with her. i failed out of my classes due to stress and depression. And he has agreed to drop court if I stay with him. so i've been.. laying down.. letting him have me.. while he still goes to his friends. shows up every now and then. plays with her. sleeps with me. then goes. He requests me keeping in shape. Requests certain hair styles and dress. If only I could be a model right? It's the only way I can keep her. but I don't know how to bring her mommy back. I don't know how to fix the rest. I'm in 30k plus debt in pointless school. With no relief in any way. but then i look around and see, jeez I'm not that different from anyone.. It's all about girls being naked, sex, unreal standards, parties. no loyalty. No point or thought to people. It's sad. | |
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