well where to start...I left school with top grades, then chose to do a dumb art course which i had to drop out of because my parents decided to move across the county, ironically the college i wanted to go to in the first place was ideally located for me to get to from my new home but they refused to help with travel, i had to quit my long term job due to this family move (i had always worked from the age of 11 whether it be a paper round or washing cars). When i got to this new strange town they informed me i had to get a full time job which i did, however 5 months into the job i badly hurt my ankle and they sacked me because i couldn't work while it was healing...then my parents kicked me out, no idea at the age of 17 what to expect and as a young woman i ended up sleeping in the middle of the woods by myself in the freezing cold, til i met an alcoholic who took me under his wing and introduced me to his friends who let me and him stay over some nights, i even remember ringing my mother telling her i was sleeping on the street and she didn't care, i never did anything wrong to her other than what most typical teenagers do like bringing friends who she didn't like round, anyways i got into a relationship with this alcoholic who treated me like rubbish and hit me, stole from me, on numerous occasions the police begged me to stay away from him but what option did i have? no family or friends in a complete new town, i have been hit with hammers, stabbed with scissors, hit with bottles, held hostage, kept a prisoner to prevent me from going to job interviews, molested by his friends, abused physically and mentally, i eventually got housed with him and 5 years later its still going on, i have just started to build a relationship with my mum but only cos he is in prison, i know your going to say leave him ect ect but i am completely alone without him, if i told my mother the reality of what happened tome when she kicked me out she would resent me for telling her and making her feel bad, i don't know if i can ever forgive her even though i am really trying, i just want her to know how much my life is ruined because she didn;t give the support i needed from her emotionally, i am a bright intelligent woman but i spend weeks on end alone except for going to the shop, i am thinking of just ending it all because i am tired of hurting inside | |
I agree, you ARE a bright, intelligent women. You are quite articulate and well spoken. You said when you were in school you had top grades. Clearly, you are an extremely hard worker! Your intellect and work ethic are wonderful strenghts which will move you forward.
Don't let the negative behavior of others change who you are at your core or define you in any way.
Move towards those people who are kind to you and away from those who are abusive and uncaring. You also sound very insightful and introspective A therapist may be helpful next step for you. Many local colleges offer inexpensive counseling sessions ($10/hr) with students who are seeking their Masters in counseling. If you need help tonight call 1-800-273-TALK, a suicide prevention line.
You sound like a truly amazing person! Hang in there and ask/call for help if you need it. Don't forget how wonderful you are!!
When you feel gratitude, you can't feel anything bad -- it's one of the most pure, happy emotions humans have.
Try this. This sounds really silly, but it WORKS!
Go on you tube and look up Refugee Camps. Watch those videos. In a blink, your troubles are put into perspective.
Then take a moment and just be grateful for everything you have that those pour souls do not. If you focus only on gratitude, watch what happens!
Being grateful is a choice.
No matter what is happening, you can find something to be grateful about. That is the TRUE POWER you have. That is the SECRET TO HAPPINESS.
Try this. Get yourself super grateful, let that feeling take you over -- then go be with people. See what happens. Try this with strangers. See what happens.
Remember, people are like mirrors, they REFLECT what you are projecting. So if you hate yourself, they will pick up that vibe and bounce it back to you. If you project gratitude, that pure beautiful universal emotion will bounce back at you!
Always remember for anything in life -- spend 20% of your energy on the problem, and 80% of your energy on the solution. Stick to this and watch what happens to your life.
Always ask yourself -- "What is my next action?" Your brain will search for a solution.
Your brain's job is to answer your questions. So if you ask your brain a rhetorical question like "Why me?!" The only answer will be "You are worthless, you are cursed!" -- because that was the answer you were looking for -- yes?
WHAT YOU FOCUS ON IS YOUR REALITY. Your brain has no idea what is real or imagined. So if you if you get hurt once but think about it 1,000 times, your brain suffers it 1,000 times.
I'll prove it to you. Think of the juiciest LEMON you've ever seen. You slice the lemon. It oozes juice. You take the lemon slice and you BITE into it.
What happened? Did you salivate? Because you IMAGINED a lemon in your brain, your BODY REACTED as if it were real. So there is your proof that what you imagine is real.
So thinking about this? If you imagine something horrible happening to you, wouldn't your body think it's real? If you relived a painful situation, wouldn't your body think it's happening again?
Now... if you relive a WONDERFUL MEMORY, wouldn't your mind think you're having another beautiful moment?
So now that you know this, and you still find yourself dwelling on the bad emotions -- it's evidence that you are conditioned to suffering -- because now you have a choice.
This means you have to do some soul searching.
It's time to investigate, face your issues, whatever they maybe. Focusing on wanting friendships, relationships, problems, etc.. is your unconscious need for a distraction from dealing with your repressed pain. People you are with feel the vibe, it's like a radio signal that you can't hide.
It's likely deep seeded self-esteem issues (we all have them).
Be honest with yourself. Read books, or articles online, if seeking therapy is too scary. Self help books on self-esteem.
Focus on the solution, don't dwell on the problem. Burning your energy on the problem will only lead to addiction to depression.
Deal with yourself first, and your true energy will attract the life, the people, the relationship, the things, the love you deserve.
Again, the SECRET TO LIFE: WHAT YOU FOCUS ON IS YOUR REALITY!!
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