LIFE SUCKS

untitled story

I am lucky in more ways than I can event list, but most importantly I have a loving mother, my health, a home to live in, and I'm employed and attending college. I am aware of my good fortune, and I remind myself everyday, but still go to sleep feeling kind of shitty. I am always self-concious, painfully so. The fact that I am always so aware of myself means that I can never just let go. I strongly dislike people, including myself. I feel we are all excessively judgmental and careless with how we treat others. I try to be the kindest and friendliest I can be, but in the end I feel it's just making me an easy target, someone to trample on and take advantage of.

I think the root of my issues has to do with my father getting sick. When I was young he would visit every weekend (my parents are separated) and me, him, and my brother had a strong relationship. But it became apparent that something was off with his health. During my middle school years, he was diagnosed with Parkinsin's and dementia. During this period he was still more or less aware and able to speak and move around. And I hate myself for not visiting more during that time because I know that's what he'd have wanted and I regret it deeply. It's like I was angry at him for becoming distant but I didn't understand that really he was getting sick. It was after he had a stroke that his condition worsened. Now he can't speak or move, but he smiles when my brother and I visit.

I feel so terrible to see anyone, especially a loved one, in this condition. It also pains me to think about my mother being lonely and my brother no longer have a man to talk/look up to. And me.... I am a mess. Awkward, and still to scared to get into a relationship. I wish I had friends that asked me how I was and asked about my father. But it's been nearly seven years since everything and not once have they asked me.

I do know I am lucky and I try not to always be so self-centered, but right not especially, I am feeling lonely and depressed and I needed to get it off my chest simply out of desperation. But again, I am not ungrateful.