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All about choices we make

Posted by anonymous at November 18, 2009
Tags: Family  Friendship  November 2009  Philosophical  Relationship

I feel we are all here to learn lessons. Boy some are really hard to handle. I don't want to hurt or hurt others. Just want to be happy and have fun. Took it too far and hurt loved ones in the proccess. I hate these kind of lessons.
I have been in a verbally abusive relationship for over 20 yrs. and stayed for the sake of the kids. Over compensated to cover for the husband's alcoholism and lost my sense of self while taking care of others. Kids left for college and starting their own lives. I decided I wanted to do for me. Take care of me and have fun. Started in the summer, two cruises, got a tatoo. Started exercising, walking on the beach and listening to God.
Then someone came into my life. Gave me attention and i could not say no. Thought it would just be a fling. But I could not walk away. The worst part about it was my good friend loved him. She had many other men but loved this one. I justified the meetings in my mind thinking that she will not know. He has other women too. So in my mind did that make it ok? I knew I could not have a long term relationship.
I saw him as a friend. Someone I could share with. I would tell him all my secrets, my thoughts, while i had my alone times at night in the bubble baths. I would send texts about my thoughts. It was a growing experience for me. Some times Im sure he wasnt even there and i was talking to myself. this still helped me find myself again. He doesn't even know he helped me start feeling again. Everything was intense, very intense. Not just phsyical feelings, although that was great to get back to and i really enjoyed. I was waking up again, no more dormant life. Observent to the little, simple things in life again. Feeling everything that just past by me for years.
Now everything is screwed up. In this process of discovery I have hurt someone very close in my life. I want to explain to her that i was not with this man to hurt her. I felt like he came into my life for a reason. I went with it and learned about myself. I just wanted to stay a friend, see him about once a week for a little refuge from my screwed up life. Hell he has a girlfriend and my friend. I knew it was very crowded there. I did not want to take him from my friend. I was justifing that it was ok. I just wanted a few hours, thats all. I would fantasize about being his girlfriend and being away from all my life mess. It was nice there, but just a fantasy.
my friend found out and all hell broke loose. she will not talk to me. i want to explain where i am coming from. I dont want to lose my friendship with her. I dont want to lose my friendship with him. I am tired of living in limbo....
Well, this process of living has taken me far in just a few months. For too long i was standoffish with the world. My friend helped wake me up and start feeling again. Unfortunitly I have hurt another friend in the process. The good feelings have been so intense and I have enjoyed them. My hurt feelings are even more intense and make me cry.
I am going to have to have more quiet time and listen in my silence to learn. I know it is all about the choices we make. I am torn cause i dont want to give up fun and being happy. I dont want to hurt either. I will listen....


Similar Entries:
If Life Sucks January 31, 2010
life choices March 4, 2011
no title for this March 22, 2010
The other side of the story March 2, 2011
Why it's always like this ? February 17, 2010

New Comment

By anonymous at 19,Nov,09 05:44

life is ultra cruel

By anonymous at 19,Nov,09 21:48

I am glad that you got to learn alittle about yourself and be happy for alittle while. I am not negating the bad situation that you are in now, I am just ahppy for then. I understand what you mean about giving up ones self for the alcoholic ex.

By anonymous at 25,Nov,09 01:32

If you're truly listening to God, I'm feel certain that he didn't tell you adultery was okay. It's the ultimate act of betrayal.

Even though your husband is abusive and alcoholic, two wrongs still don't make a "right" no matter how you try to rationalize it in your mind. If he's such a bad person, and makes you feel so uncertain about yourself, just leave him.. that would be the honest and Christian thing to do, not cheating on him.

Obviously there's some other motivation for you're staying in an abusive relationship so long other than your children. That's a cop out..Perhaps it's money, power, status, or simply a need to feel martyred.

You're still as lost as you ever were, and you'll continue to be so until you get honest with yourself and everyone else. You may also want to get an AIDS testfor you're own peace of mind and the well-being of your husband.
By anonymous at 25,Nov,09 10:41

Stayed in cause I was afraid of change. Took this transition time to realize I can do it and need to do it.
That is why life sucks... Many people have been hurt. know it is not right and am having to deal with it now. This is a process and am ready to move forward to make the right changes. It will take awhile to get where I want to be, but I am moving forward. I feel I now have the strength to move on. Want to enjoy life, but not at the expense of others. Peace in my heart is what I am reaching for now.....
By anonymous at 11,Aug,10 14:41 Fold Up

That's the problem with so-called "christians,mormons." You act so high and mighty, yet you do the same things that the rest of us "hethans" do. but that's ok, as long as you repent right? Sometimes, when your in situations like this, the answers aren't so simple. I'm not saying it's ok to cheat but, Don't act like you know all the answers.

"just leave him, that would be the honest and christian thing to do"

I thought god was against divorces? When you make a vow to him, and say "I DO" to "till death do us part" I didn't think it meant "till it no longer satisfies you". People live their lives the way they want to, whether it's right or wrong..god still loves us all no matter what..cause he knows some of us will go to hell for not listening to his set of rules..but that will never change. So, as a christian, you should be spreading the word of god. Not condemning the sinner. Sounds like you need to re-educate yourself. The funny thing is, I seem to have a better understanding of christianity than you, and i'm not even a christian.

By anonymous at 25,Nov,09 01:39

With friends like you your bud surely has no need of enemies! You're a grown woman so stop acting like a ditzy teenager girl with her first taste of freedom.
By anonymous at 25,Jun,10 04:56

you will only understand the whole situation if you have ever been into one.

By anonymous at 25,Jun,10 04:54

I trully understand what you are going thro.... you did not call for the curcumstance but its the curcumstance that called the situation you are in... you are human, you need love, and if love and attention is what you lacked, when it came your way it was only vital for you to grab it.

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