I feel we are all here to learn lessons. Boy some are really hard to handle. I don't want to hurt or hurt others. Just want to be happy and have fun. Took it too far and hurt loved ones in the proccess. I hate these kind of lessons.
I have been in a verbally abusive relationship for over 20 yrs. and stayed for the sake of the kids. Over compensated to cover for the husband's alcoholism and lost my sense of self while taking care of others. Kids left for college and starting their own lives. I decided I wanted to do for me. Take care of me and have fun. Started in the summer, two cruises, got a tatoo. Started exercising, walking on the beach and listening to God.
Then someone came into my life. Gave me attention and i could not say no. Thought it would just be a fling. But I could not walk away. The worst part about it was my good friend loved him. She had many other men but loved this one. I justified the meetings in my mind thinking that she will not know. He has other women too. So in my mind did that make it ok? I knew I could not have a long term relationship.
I saw him as a friend. Someone I could share with. I would tell him all my secrets, my thoughts, while i had my alone times at night in the bubble baths. I would send texts about my thoughts. It was a growing experience for me. Some times Im sure he wasnt even there and i was talking to myself. this still helped me find myself again. He doesn't even know he helped me start feeling again. Everything was intense, very intense. Not just phsyical feelings, although that was great to get back to and i really enjoyed. I was waking up again, no more dormant life. Observent to the little, simple things in life again. Feeling everything that just past by me for years.
Now everything is screwed up. In this process of discovery I have hurt someone very close in my life. I want to explain to her that i was not with this man to hurt her. I felt like he came into my life for a reason. I went with it and learned about myself. I just wanted to stay a friend, see him about once a week for a little refuge from my screwed up life. Hell he has a girlfriend and my friend. I knew it was very crowded there. I did not want to take him from my friend. I was justifing that it was ok. I just wanted a few hours, thats all. I would fantasize about being his girlfriend and being away from all my life mess. It was nice there, but just a fantasy.
my friend found out and all hell broke loose. she will not talk to me. i want to explain where i am coming from. I dont want to lose my friendship with her. I dont want to lose my friendship with him. I am tired of living in limbo....
Well, this process of living has taken me far in just a few months. For too long i was standoffish with the world. My friend helped wake me up and start feeling again. Unfortunitly I have hurt another friend in the process. The good feelings have been so intense and I have enjoyed them. My hurt feelings are even more intense and make me cry.
I am going to have to have more quiet time and listen in my silence to learn. I know it is all about the choices we make. I am torn cause i dont want to give up fun and being happy. I dont want to hurt either. I will listen....