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Dying inside.

Posted by anonymous at April 23, 2011
Tags: Anxiety  2011 April  Life Story

This story doesnt sound nearly as sad as the other ones here, i think. My heart goes to you all. **WARNING** THIS IS LONG!!!

For as long as i can remember, i've always been a shy and quiet kid. No problem there. Then i went to secondary school(high school). It was a boarding school. Anyway somewhere between my 1st and 2nd years, i developed a quick temper. I got mad at the slightest of things, no matter how irrelivant. I raged at friends, family, you name it. Somehow, both parties could keep up with my shit.

Sometime after that, i realised this temper and decided to keep it in watch. And eventually control it(most of it). As the temper went, so did my confidence. Apparently anger was what i used to communicate with the world. In my third year, i became extremely shy and quiet, only talked and laughed with the friends i had.

I wasnt the cutest boy, infact, i was far from that. And the other kids didnt take long to abuse this 'weakness'. I was called names and constantly reminded how 'ugly' i was. My confidence withered to dust. So did my self esteem.

I became extremely withdrawn. Remember this was a boarding school. One problem after the other right? My life dragged along and depression slowly but surely set in.

In my final two years, I made a few more friends, became a prefect(somehow), tried to mingle. I developed a habit of giving, Most people called it generosity. In my mind, it was somewhat painful. I gave away my things even though i needed them. This habit i developed, i later learned, was just so i could feel good about myself. I gave so i could be given to. A co-dependency thing, for my self-esteem ofcourse.

Also in the closing years, i developed crushes to people, on both sexes. Weird right? Either i was bisexual, or i fell in love with anyone that gave me the slightest hint of kindness or attention. Guess which: The latter. Anyone will tell you that is not the best way to fall in love. It is very VERY heart breaking. Imaging/Remember your most recent heartbreak, now imagine it happening over and over and over. Thats how it is. You fall in love without any prior knowledge or experience with the person, making you become very clingy. Despite this, i made 3 best friends. 2 male, 1 female. The female, i shared most of my emotional weight with, and she did likewise. Once again, i was in love, but this time, i fought it. it wasnt going to go further,

I finished secondary school and moved to a whole new country: UK, to do a-levels. I became nothing. Confined to the Hell and Paradise that is my room. Scared of going outside for fear of being judged, constantly over-thinking things, Eating a lot more and moving a lot less, Pushing all my old friends away and people who seem the slightest bit interested in me, think i have bowel cancer.

Know i am going to die before everyone i know and love(d). And probably go to hell.

This is where i am now. Sadness only gets worse and worse, from somewhat normal, to this. Oh joy. Goodnight.


Votes:


Similar Entries:
Heartbroken April 16, 2012
its all an illusion October 10, 2010
Alone...2 June 3, 2012
Life of a debted person April 24, 2010
Lol February 18, 2012



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Comments:
By anonymous at 01,May,11 14:26

How do you think you have bowel cancer? Could it be stress causing bowel problems?

I don't know how old you are but I got sent to boarding schools. And can relate to some of that. Now I'm older and school is far behind its got better. Its had some serious downs to.
By anonymous at 03,May,11 10:02

I always think i have one disease or the other, its a habit, a bad one. From the slightest sign of unwell.

Thanks, i'm glad it's relatable.


By noname56.myopenid.com at 04,May,11 18:38

About the ugly thing, I can't relate, but the beat of rejection, no social skills, only talking to friends that you already have, afraid of being judged, and constantly over-thinking things, I can certainly relate.

I have fixed most of those problems, fixing the thing about worrying about what people think of you, don't. Because honestly, they really don't care what you do with your life because they are too busy worrying about their life. School is a different environment compared to college, people are more mature, they, or at least where I am, aren't as cruel and retarded as people in high school or any other lower school. You need to understand this; simply just think about when you are walking at the park, for how long do you care about what someone looks like or is wearing? For less then a minute for most of the people. That is how they see you, just another person walking. Same with walking around anywhere in public. Don't over-think on this either, if this is what you over thought about. What you look like and things of that nature.

About the "hell" comment, there is no such thing as hell, heaven, God, or any other magical being. It is all lies. To prove this to yourself, prove to yourself that God doesn't exist, and it will tell you that none of the other magical shit is real. It is just a part of the human imagination and the urge to figure out where we came from. Questions like that are perfectly normal to ask but remember to not get carried away with the way you answer them.

Here is how you disprove God: There is no evidence for God. Done.

About that little cancer thing, if it is true, then that sucks for you, try to get some treatment if you can. If you can't tough luck, its part of life.


By DanLONER at 05,May,11 03:20

Hey are u from singapore?? I share the very same problem as u...just that I do not have bowel cancer. May god bless u. I was also being judged and discriminated hard and also had social problem. I am a loner...skipping school at least twice every week. I am from singapore...i am from the top school...but i transferred to a lousy school because i did not want to be in a boy school and also get discriminated there and because i had a chance to transfer because I retain when I was in sec 3...yeah..anw my email. legend_jh@hotmail.com hope u email me soon


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