Life for me has become unbearable. From the day I was born I was destined to be in pain. While my mom was pregnant with me my biological father died in a freak accident. My mom, who had many demons, became a very bad alcoholic. My life was one crisis after another. By the time I was 10 I developed severe anxiety disorder. It would continue to haunt me for years along with severe depression.
There was a time I thought I had hope for a decent future. Despite living a life of abuse, chaos, tragedy and lonliness I managed to graduate with honours. I got a great job. But no matter how hard I tried to be "normal" I could not run from myself. I could not run from the horrors that plagued my life. Then the final blow - my mother died 5 years ago. She was just 47 years old. Despite the way I grew up, my mother and I were very very close and losing her killed me. Soon after I found myself addicted to oxycontin. What started off as the means to end the painful back problems I had quickly developed into an addiction from hell. I found oxy to relieve not just my physical pain but my mental pain and anxiety. Since then I have gone from bad to worse. I've isolated myself to the point where the phone NEVER rings for me. No friends, no nothing. The only thing that keeps me going are my kids. Thank God for them. Nothing else matters but them.
I live in poverty, am trying to straighten my trashed life out but honestly I just want to die. I don't want to wake up every day and be reminded of the failure that I am. I don't want to endure this pain anymore. I just want to be gone. I want my soul to be at peace and only death can bring peace for me. For me, life is nothing but immense pain that never ends. I have been physically and emotionally destroyed and I am a failure completely. I can't do anything right. I am a lousy housekeeper, I have NO motivation, no interest in life, no hope and no desire to go on anymore. If not for my precious babies there would be no question, I would gladly die and go be with my mom.