I am 33 years old and as pathetic I imagine a person can be. I am a single white male, living alone and eat takeaways every day. I have no friends.
I don't even live in a first world country.
I had a bad upbringing and didn't get on with both my mother and strict father. Because of this I never had the opportunity to rebel and so was just a good quiet kid not trying to upset anyone. I was very underweight for my height and at school they teased me as I looked much younger than my age and because I was so thin I looked anorexic. My mother always said I was greedy taking a big serving when she made food so she made me feel guilty so I took small portions.
I could never do activities after school or make friends as my parents were very antisocial and bough a house far away in the middle of no where and I had to take a lift directly after school to get home.
My life during school was my imagination and daydreaming.
My dad retired early and made my life a misery as he was an alcoholic and was at home and I had to do chores for him like buy him cigarette and alcohol, take off his shoes from his feet,clean his shoes, get him beer, make him drinks and help carry him to bed from the TV because he was too drunk to get there himself. He was a very unreasonable person treating me like a little kid and if I made any noise he could hear even if I was outside he would have a fit and scream at me for doing it.
During school my one hobby was watching American TV. This was television during the 80s with karate kid, Rambo, Rocky and a thousand actions films where the underdog would always come out on top.
This underdog idea became so engrained in my mind that it became my identity.
I never new better as I had nothing to compare my life with so I thought I had to suffer and life would eventually turn into a fairytale so I ended up not caring what my day to day was like. My life was just avoiding trouble and waiting for the day I can support myself.
I went to the university where my dad told me to go and do the degree he said I should do. My parents figured because I was such an introvert I should study computer science despite me not owning a computer. I had to get my drunk dad to buy me a PC in my 2nd year as I needed one as to do a course.
University wasn't fun as I had zero social skills, was very shy and looked a couple of years younger than I was. In my last year of varsity my dad died of a heart attack. My university marks improved significantly where I was previously just passing and I became more confident .
I bought a small apartment with my inheritance after completing my degree.
After university I applied with recruiters for jobs as a programmer but I didn't make a good impression with them as I looked immature, had a blank CV so I never got a chance to go for any interview with their clients.
I did get once interview after a few months with one recruiter and got the job after the 1st interview. I was working by myself in this small company doing programming for a year but I lost my temper at this psychopath of an senior network guy who always bad mouthed me unreasonably because he was insecure and I worked hard. Because of my outburst the company fired me. I was too emotional to know what happened but thought it is best to move on as quickly as I can. However I had to use the company as references as it was the only company I worked at so I told them I'd rather resign than be fired. After that I couldn't find a job after a year and tried to do little odd jobs for people but I got depressed as the very little income I got could not cover half of my living expenses.
I spent my days buying newspapers and applying for any job and not getting even an interview.
After 4 years all my savings ran out and I was just about to take my own life as I would not able to afford anything. I decided to give finding a job one more shot and lie on my resume and apply for jobs. I got my first interview for 3 years and got the job. The pay wasn't good and the staff turnover for the position was very high which is probably why they didn't check my false references and experience. However despite this I excelled at the job and did so well I got to fly to many countries around the world to do work at the company's clients.
After 3.5 years I got tired of travelling and wanted a decent salary so I applied for a another job as a programmer. I got the job and after another 1.5 years I resigned and took a better paying job.
However now I am feeling that my age is counting against me as a programmer. In my current company the young brat know it all programmers only work on new technologies leaving me to work on the old stuff in which there is no future.
I feel like I have become a zombie. I have nothing to look forward to. I spend my days stressing, dreaming and procrastinating. I keep on a mask and act and speak confidently to co-workers so they don't think less of me.
My dream is to save enough money to move to the beach as I love the sun and the sea but it requires so much preparation, money and finding a new employer that I am just feeling like it is so far away.
People my age have achieved so much, they have a family and a house. I have nothing except staring at a screen all day. I feel like I have thrown my life away and that I am pathetic.
I don't know what is going to become of me as I don't have anything to look forward to except this 2nd rate life I am living.