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I need to vent??

Posted by anonymous at July 4, 2011
Tags: 2011 July  Life Story

Hi I'm 25 black queer female and here's my shitty life story. My parents divorced when I was 7, I rarely saw my Dad after that. My Mom always treated me harshly and never showed love or compassion for me. She only talks about me negatively and never has anything good to say about me. When I was around age 11, I was molested by one of her guy friends that she said I should have treated as a father. Following this event, she kicked him out of our apartment building and that was his only punishment for his crime. I never really got over it and although I was a happy and bright child, this event made me realize that people can not be trusted.

I started to get depressed around age 15 for no particular reason. I was in a sport team, had lots of friends and even a boyfriend. I would cry all the time and felt unhappy. I started cutting myself shortly after that but stopped when I started smoking pot and drinking at age 16. I graduated from High School and went to College for a year. I had a hard time adjusting to College life and I was still struggling with Depression. I started taking antidepressants and dropped out of college temporarily; I never really managed to go back.

I worked different jobs, at least 2 to 3 different jobs per year, always getting fired because of my lack of punctuality. One day my life at home got so unbearable that I decided to move out. I moved into a shitty apartment that I could afford and life was alright, until I got fired from the decent job I had. I found another job and got hooked playing online games. A lot of my money went into the game and I was avoiding my friends as much as possible. I got fired from my job again and got so depressed that I decided to end my life. I hung myself and was losing consciousness when I decided to live because I couldn't stand the sight of my mom crying over my dead body. I manage to get out of the noose. I moved back to my mom because life by myself wasn't working out, I was always broke and could never afford anything and my mom wanted me back.

I've been living here since then and its getting just as bad as when I left. My mom is on my case everyday, either insulting me or just being negative towards me. I get teased by my younger sister constantly and that plus my mom's harsh words makes it hard for me to bear since I'm still depressed.

I met a girl online and we were just friends at first but we started liking each other. She lives on the East Coast of the USA and I'm in the East Coast of Canada. We started a long distance relationship and it was the best years of my life. We loved each other and talked everyday and managed to meet each other a few times and had a very good time. I was depressed during the relationship so at times I'd get overly emo and treat her harshly. After almost 3 years, she got sick of it and started falling for somebody else, a person that was actually a friend of mine. I felt betrayed. They met up and had sex and since that day, they've been together on and off.

I've been holding down a job for over a year but I have no savings, although I live with my mom and pay no rent. I'm heartbroken and lonely. I have a few friends but I wish I had more. I have no gay friends that can understand me though and I feel cut off from the gay community, its pretty awful. I feel like I'm going to be single for the rest of my life and I'm now regretting not killing myself. I'm alone,I have nobody, I'm unwanted so what's the point really? I'm black, a woman, overweight and gay, that has to be one of the worst combination of things you can be. I honestly hate it and I've been crying every day for the past 2-3 weeks about how much I hate my life right now.


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New Comment

By anonymous at 08,Aug,11 11:28

"I'm black, a woman, overweight and gay, that has to be one of the worst combination of things you can be." Well yes that's true if you think it is. Perception is reality, you obviously believe all those things are negative, when really they aren't. Queen Latifah is all those things and guess what, she's also rich and successful, much moreso than the majority of thin, white straight guys out there if that's what you wish you were. She could have told herself the same sad story you're telling yourself and where would she be today? I know everyone can't be Queen Latifah but my point is those characteristics are no excuse for you not to be successful and happy, and they're only negative if you let them be. Another example is Wanda Sikes the comedian. You need to play the cards you've been dealt to your full advantage. Why not embrace yourself and love who you are, that definitely beats a lifetime of self loathing. I recommend you get some therapy, especially for your depression. There may be some medication that can help you.

Happiness starts from within. You cannot look to another person to complete you or make you happy, that's bullshit. You'll get with someone new and get depressed and probably ruin the relationship. Work on you first. Then if a relationships comes great, if not you'll still be ok. I'm single. Why the hell is everyone so damn needy? That was a rant and not just directed at you, but seriously happiness doesn't come from meeting "the one". We watch too many movies, that's not reality. In reality people come in and out of our lives throughout the years, and we have to be able to survive on our own. Don't give up. Life is what you make it.
By anonymous at 09,Aug,11 01:01

Cosign with this. Another example of a successful black, overweight, gay woman is Missy Elliot. She made the most of it and people love her.
By anonymous at 09,Aug,11 12:02

That's right, forgot all about her, thanks.

By anonymous at 10,Aug,11 03:27

i'm really sorry to hear all that. you've got to change things.. one step at a time like they say. take one thing you dont like about your life and turn it around. im sure there's some things that are in your power to change. they can be small things, anything.. sometimes it helps me to think of someone i love or who loves me watching me - even when im alone. then, i try to be the best i can be... and we have a long way to go, but you have to start somewhere. be strong.

By anonymous at 11,Aug,11 01:08

that hateful, ratchet scallywag hooked up with your friend! Well, you just got 2 bullshit ass people out of your life. Good riddance. Now, what are we going to do about your mom and your sister? Have you ever considered fighting these people back? Sometimes my emo-ness is like a signal to people, like "Hey, yeah you... come fuck with me. I won't fight you back. Yeah, I'll just retreat into my own self-loathing." Next time your mom says something fucked up to you, just turn it into a reflection of her as a mother... "...well, maybe I would have if Michelle Obama had been my momma... ratchet wench". Try it! You gotta have some fight in you, girl. Don't let this world roll all over you. You're just as entitled to life and happiness as any other sleeze walking the planet... especially that low budget bitch who couldn't find any other pussy in Canada. Must not even be able to use craigslist, that simple ass bitch.

By anonymous at 11,Aug,11 08:20

It seriously sound like your life sucks, but you're a very good writer, I believe you could do something really good with that.....and it doesnt require punctuality! ;o)

By anonymous at 11,Aug,11 21:32

I implore you to print out what you have written here and bring it to the emergency room. You sound like you are in serious danger of killing yourself. I speak from experience: with medication and/or talk therapy you CAN feel happiness one day. And if you kill yourself, you won't get a chance to feel happy and I guarantee you will absolutely devastate at least dozens of people, some that you would never even imagine would care, beyond all belief. they will carry the burden of the pain that you are feeling for a very very long time. the grief that you will leave them with will be the worst and most complex type. they will be wracked with guilt and questions and sadness that they weren't good enough to help you in your darkest hour. and when they aren't blaming themselves--this in the midst of a terrifying grief and shock due to your untimely death-they will start to blame others in an unfair way. If you can't get help for you-please do it if you give even the tiniest shit for anyone else.

By Lisa at 15,May,17 01:34

Italy is coittmming suicide which will further lead to murder of other European countries. EU needs to set up safe havens of Africans in other African countries. It was cost only a fraction to maintain one person in Africa rather than in EU countries. Moreover, its not about the cost, but the losing of the European culture.

New Comment