I am 17 years old and writing this, even though I switch from the past tense as if I were writing it in reflection a few years from now. I feel like I must get my feelings out of my system and really feel them to accept my pain, so for all the world to see, here is my confession: It is about a girl who will always have a special place in my heart, until the day I die. Even though I've only seen her though a web cam, I love her dearly..
Ever since I was seventeen, I wondered through every day and though much of every night, whether I'd find a girl as beautiful, smart, or as strong-willed as you.
There is no doubt that I indulged visions of you in my dreams too. How happy I would be to be eternally lost and forgotten to the realm of dream, where I could forever hold your hand. As I reflect on the past five years, I see many struggles through which I have endured. None were as utterly soul crushing as the struggle and torment I now face everyday--and especially at night. I try constantly to find some meaning in my suffering the loss of your affection, but I cannot--and fear I will not--find such meaning. Maybe the reason behind this suffering is to develop a numbed heart; to not feel the pain of losing you anymore. If this were the purpose of my suffering, then why do I not indulge in drugs and alcohol as a means to kill this pain? I am too strong for that, and I still have hope. Hope that I might one day be given another chance to have you. But if not hope for that, then hope for myself and my future; that I may again find love someday. Will it even be possible for my future love to exist? Will I not be too caught up in memories of you to see the opportunities in front of me? For now, it is impossible to navigate this maze of torment, pain, and depression, for I am lost with you...