LIFE SUCKS

Walk a mile in my shoes.

I sit here a 33 year old man who has managed to get nowhere in life threw little or no fault of my own. I'm not a drug user, never been arrested (more on that later), or drink on a nightly basis. Yet for some reason I can't keep a job. The only jobs I can seem to make last are the crap jobs no one wants. "Do you want fries with that?" Every other job I get has problems. I'v been told to break laws to keep my job. Business go out of business. Massive layoffs and guess who is low man on the tot-tum pole. I have never had a point in my life financially where I felt safe let alone comfortable. Never owned a car newer then 15 years or worth more then $1000, yet I have a credit score better then most.

I'm willing to work. In life work is the only thing that makes me happy yet I'm stuck in this little town so far out of the way that I can't find a job. I was happiest when I was putting in 60+ hours of hard work week after week. Working threw the flu because I pride myself on never calling in sick or asking for time off in my life. But I can't find anyone that will employee me. Because of this I will be homeless soon. I will be living in a small camper shell of a rusted out '91 S-10 truck until the cops impound it for me living in a vehicle then I will be on the streets in an area that hates the homeless.

Yes this all sucks for me now but lets go back to my childhood.

As an infant until I was 2 years old I was left alone with no contact for up to and over 48 hours at a time. I have read the court papers surrounding this. I had parents that would leave for the weekend and instead of getting a sitter or taking me to a family members house would put me in a crib close the door and leave for a couple days at a time. You can imagine how bad a diaper would be in 12 hours let alone 48. Of course if your not eating how much can you poop? I still have food hording issues to this day and start to panic if I don't have access to water even if I'm not thirsty yet.

At 2 I was adopted by a religious couple. My father was a hard working man who was always too tired to do anything with me. He did work very hard to keep the bills up so I can't fault him there. At the same time he was raised with out a father so he had no idea how to be one. I was beat with a belt or a redwood switch for the smallest of infractions. He once heard me say the word "bitch" and he sat on my chest and force fed me a bottle of Tabasco sauce to "teach me what my mouth was for".

My mother was a pathological liar and even more physically and mentally abusive. She was and still is addicted to pain pills and antidepressants. She would also beat me for any reason she could find. I have been beaten because she lost her car keys. When dad got home from work she told him that I had hidden them so he marched straight into my room and beat the shit out of me with a belt. I got it again when I told him mom had already hit me. She said she didn't so I got beat again for being a liar.

This went on for years. I don't use the word beat to mean that they spanked me on the butt then held me in their arms to make sure I understood what I did wrong. I'm talking about beatings that would draw blood on my chest from a thin redwood whip snapping me in the chest. Doubled up fist to my stomach knocking the wind out of me. Being locked outside naked in a winter storm. The list goes on. All of this was happening from my first memories until I was 15.

I live in a small town where every one knows everyone else. My family has been in this little community since 1910 and founded a church here. My parents are seen out side the home as good upstanding people so anytime I would go to someone for help they would sweep it under the rug assuming that I was a liar and a kid that had problems.

The school district made me go to counseling from the ages of 12 - 14 years old after I tried to commit suicide. During that time I saw 9 different counselors that all promised me they where going to help me with my issues. None of them would last more then a couple months at best and none of them believed me over my parents. My mother would hype up the home situations to make things sound so much worse so they would give her more and more antidepressants. At the same time I was placed on large amounts of several ADD meds even though I was never found to be ADD by doctor.

At 15 my life changed for the better. I met a new kid in school that told me that he had been arrested for stealing and how "cool" he thought it made him that he had done time in Juvenal Hall. The more I thought about it the more I realized this could be my way out. I robbed my neighbors house while they where on vacation. I made sure that I took their phone too. They where good friends with my parents so when they got home and couldn't call the cops from their house they would come to mine where I made sure to leave a couple things laying out. I was able to finish school in peace and with out the drugs. I was locked up till I was 18 when I was released and I moved 350 miles away and managed to have my records sealed so I can say now I have never been arrested. I still see that as the best point of my child hood. For the first time in my life no one was beating me and treating me like shit.

But my success in moving was short lived. I got a student loan and started attending a trade school. I found a room to rent with what I thought was a cool guy that also went to the same school. Half way threw schooling my room mate was arrested for drugs. I was unable to pay both parts of the rent so I was homeless. I sold everything I could and lived in a tent in the woods behind the school and continued to go everyday until someone found my camp and I was kicked out of the school. But I still get to pay back the full student loan even though I was never able to graduate.

I stayed homeless in that area couch surfing and trying to get a life started with no success. Eventually I couldn't make it any more and made the trip back to my parents where I could at least have a roof over my head so long as I could stand the mental abuse.

This brings us back to the beginning of this post. I have been bouncing from crap job to crap job as the economy gets worse and worse. I long for a time when I will understand what its like to be happy. I see others with this almost magical way about them that things are always getting better yet I see the world for what it is; at least I see my world for what it is.

I consider it a good day if I can make it threw with out thinking about suicide. I'm not sure why I have yet to do it. Could it be I think I would fail at that too? Could it be that I believe that some day something has to work out for me? The law of averages says every things possible; right? Its not like it would be hard to do; I have guns. But for some reason I keep on trudging threw life a broken shell of a man that will never live up to others expectations. A man that knows that as soon as I start back up that ladder something is going to send me tumbling back to the bottom.

If you read all of this I thank you. I had no intention of writing this much but it felt good to get it off my chest.