All at once and with no warning. I had been out of town the week before, was a planned business trip. Somewhat rare for me to be gone for that length of time. Many weeks before we had planned to see a musician we both liked on the evening I returned. We did and stayed out much later than an old (21 years) married couple like us usually did.
We got home about 2AM and I very shortly went to bed, she stayed up a while. I woke much later than usual, never forget the time, it was 10:10 AM when I got up and went to the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. I found her on the kitchen floor, on her side, with a hand under her head like a pillow. I thought she had not made it to the couch or bed. I chided her verbally and actually chuckled at where she was sleeping as she had fallen asleep at the kitchen table before. But she wasn't asleep. Her body was cold to the touch and after that first touch I knew shew was gone. I cannot describe the next few moments. There are NO words for that.
That marked the end of 'normal' for me, the 27th day of August, 2011.
Today, the shock is gone, and I'm starting to realize what it means to have suffered a traumatic amputation of a part of your soul. You don't recognize yourself. You thought you knew what loneliness was. You realize just how much of your life was tied to being part of a couple, a 'half', and perhaps not the better one of that.
I fail at describing how much I miss that girl, the mother of our child, my confidant, my conscience, my anchor to this world.
So, help me tell Lesa how very much I miss her, every single day. Her compassion for others, her creativity, her never ending patience with her unreformed male example of a husband.
I don't want you to be sorry for me. I do want you to grieve for a world that no longer has that woman in it. It truly is a meaner place for the lack. Of that, I have no doubts.