LIFE SUCKS

My past pain coming back+new pain=hell

I know that many people have had it much worse off than me, but I am going through some sort of depression crisis lately.

Growing up, my parents fought. A lot. I'd seen my dad go after my mom many times. Sometimes my sister and I were beaten too. Then when I was 13, I answered the phone, but my mom had already answered on the other line. It was my dads friend, and all I heard was this: the friend-"what are you up to?" mom-"oh nothing, there's no kids around so I can tell you how hard your cock is" and I freaked out and hung up. Then when I was 15, I was on my moms computer, and happened to see her emails which she LEFT UP, and they were all dirty, incredibly sexual, graphic emails back and forth between her and another one of my dad's friends. I told only my then 11-year-old sister, and we had to keep that secret for months, until a few months later when my mom told me she was moving out right after I had just played the best volleyball game of my life and got to start on varsity for the first time. Ruined night.

Every night for the next few weeks my dad would come into my room late at night and wake me up crying and want to lay with me which totally creeped me out. He handled it horribly, and would talk shit all her all day every day to everyone around. My sister and I got caught in the middle of everything, and both parents would talk shit on each other to us. My mom married her lover less than a year later in Vegas, and her husband is known throughout my town as a pervert and an asshole. My dad got a new girlfriend a month after my mom moved out, her and her 3 boys moved in a couple years after, I got kicked out of my room so one of the boys could have it and had to sleep on an air mattress in the living room every time I can home from college. Then my dad goes off to Key West and gets married to this woman without telling anyone. I found out from a picture message send at 6 am. Less than a year later, they get divorced, and a couple months later, he has a new girlfriend with two horribly annoying middle school daughters that barge into my room and stay over all the time and keep me up at night and wake me up in the morning (I'm home on Christmas break) I don't want to live with my mom because her house isn't home and her husband is creepy. My parents are both broke and so am I, so I can't afford my own place. My dad forced me to play softball over the years, now I am in my 2nd year of playing in college and I hate it so much, but I have no choice because we are so poor. My dad got so mad at me for standing up for my sister when she played bad in a softball game one time that he pushed me down the stairs last summer. He's such an asshole and criticizes my every move and tells me I'm a huge disappointment, even though I don't smoke, drink, have a 3.5 gpa in college, and everyone tells me I'm a great person. I suck at romantic relationships because I have trust issues and I'm a 20 year old virgin who's never had a real boyfriend because I am so damaged from my idiot parents' mistakes.