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I think I am lost

Posted by anonymous at January 6, 2012
Tags: 2012 January  Philosophical

I'll be 45 this year, single woman, never married, no children. Only child and my parents and grandparents have died recently. I haven't been in a relationship in over 15 years because I knew my baggage was too much for anyone else to be asked to carry.

I thought I wanted this. I thought I wanted a career where I made a nice salary and I could do what I wanted. I have wonderful friends but they have lives of their own. Not sure what happened. I used to be pretty, funny and great to be around. Now I'm fat, lonely and sad.

Life was supposed to be such an adventure, but it has turned out to be such a disappointment instead. I quit my job during a recession. Couldn't take it anymore, it was an awful place to work. I stayed upbeat and positive for years longer than I should have at that place.

My life has not been bad enough to be classified as tragic or rich enough to be deemed wonderful. I am squarely in the middle, drifting in the doldrums. A soupy grayish brown space in the universe where nothing ever really happens.

And I probably have 30 more years to go. If given the opportunity, I would hand out my years to terminally ill children like pieces of candy. Someone else could do so much more with this life than I.


Votes:


Similar Entries:
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Comments:
By at 01,Feb,12 21:01

I think you're looking at life with a narrow mind. You may still be that great, funny person that you remember. Even at the age of forty, I believe you have a lot left to offer. For someone like you, I would suggest a change of scenery and possibly getting to know new people. Also, if you are unhappy about your weight, you should do something about it. It is a new year after all and perhaps staying focused on going to the gym and dieting will keep your mind off of the less trivial things. Keep your head up
By anonymous at 16,Feb,12 01:08

Look! lighten up! Just like dare2listen suggests. As far as I am concerned at age 45 its not all that bad. These 16 and 17 year olds are even more ridiculous. You've made to 45 so just keep your on going. Forget all the crap. We humans tend to be self-defeating a lot. We have a greater purpose which all of us sense. We just can't seem to put a handle on it. Just reflect on life a little more and experience it with the excitement of a child. Because if you really look at it. WE ARE. Get involved however you can and you will feel better. At 65 I have noticed plenty and experienced plenty of pain. Our suffering makes us who we are and builds a better character if you let it. Without effort no one can expect to gain anything. Its just the way it is.


By anonymous at 01,Feb,12 22:04

"...I would hand out my years to terminally ill children like pieces of candy ..."

As a matter of fact, you can. Volunteer at any children hospital. I did that for a while between jobs.


By anonymous at 01,Feb,12 22:39

i am 43 and feel exactly the way you do.


By anonymous at 02,Feb,12 00:12

Be proactive. I get down too sometimes but theres a lot to live for.


By anonymous at 02,Feb,12 02:50

Your life aint over, I agree with dare2listen completely.

Have you ever thought of giving your life to jesus? He'll definately make things interesting (for lack of a better word). Theres more to life than just the "American Dream" and being "Happy".


By anonymous at 02,Feb,12 03:49

I know exactly how you feel. My life parallels yours right now. I do have siblings, but their life always seems to be too busy to even have a 5 minute phone conversation and they put me on speaker phone while they continue to do other things. It hurts. The material things always seem to be more important and they have to keep working. It was never like this when we were younger. We always took out time to speak to one other and cared enough to listen. I don't want to talk to people while they are multitasking. Months go by and they never check up on me so I'm the one always making the calls. I have given up on them now and have not called them anymore. This kind of behavior makes me feel unloved and unwanted like a piece of old furniture. You are not alone in the way you are feeling. I have found that just because there is common blood doesn't always mean they are family. My close friends are my family and they are always there for me no matter what. Look for a new outlet in old friends or make some new ones. They will give you the support you need and love you for who you are. I promise there is someone out there that thinks you are this wonderful person and loves you very much. I love people and even though I don't know you...know that I send out my love to you and you are a very special person. Don't give up because there many others who care about you.


By anonymous at 02,Feb,12 04:39

dang, sorry you feel this way. I don't have any advice, but I hope things work out for you =). Just keep searching for the light at the end of the tunnel.
By anonymous at 02,Feb,12 13:44

there is no fuckin light in the end of the tunnel
there is death....
((we must look for what is beyond that end))


By anonymous at 02,Feb,12 05:42

You made a choice of staying single. If you miss having someone I suggest you change your attitude and start dating again. All of us have baggage. You had good intentions but people do get hurt one way or another, what was the purpose of staying single? Everything else seems to have gone as per plan so I assume loneliness is your problem in life


By anonymous at 02,Feb,12 12:32

Im 25 and feel the way you do...


By anonymous at 02,Feb,12 13:41

God does exist....but you just dont want to go the right path!


By anonymous at 02,Feb,12 18:54

Feminism did this to you. The 2nd wave feminism makes women want to not get married and have children. When they age they go from good looking college girls to cougars to lonely old cat ladies. A woman's base need for the most part is to have offspring. You could've had kids and grandkids visiting you until you died in you 80s +.
By anonymous at 02,Feb,12 19:03

you're an insensitive idiot!


By anonymous at 02,Feb,12 19:11

I'm right with you at 41... worst yet though is I'm married and feel the same way. Tied to a man who doesn't want kids and just passing time. Get up, go to work, go home, and what all for? I'm not young or old, not fat or thin, not tall or short, not ugly or pretty, not broke or rich, not happy but not suicidal... yet, not alone but definitely lonely. Haven't achieved what I thought I would in life, I'm mediocre, middle of the road, vanilla. Not tragic enough for people to care or worry about, but not interesting enough either. I'm just here in the abyss... and frankly would also love to just give the years that are left to someone who knows what to do with them. I had all the promise in the world, a great start and peaked at 25. I just can't find happiness, peace or contentment, I can't ever seem to win or archieve. I try and try and just spin my wheels. What I have to offer no one seems to want. I gave up so much to marry someone, and quickly became someone else... I traded my life for what I thought was love. Now I'm childless, and friendless and simply taking up space and sharing a couch watching stupid french sports channels in some god forsaken suburb. How did a bright eyed, sweet clever energetic girl with huge dreams turn into this?
By at 02,Feb,12 19:32

I peaked at 19 lol. I really sympathize with what you wrote.


By at 02,Feb,12 19:30

I feel the same way as you and i'm 27. I'll probably end up like you too.


By at 04,Apr,12 11:47

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By maillot arsenal 2011 at 02,Jan,13 16:30

wow, awesome blog article.Really looking forward to read more. Awesome.


By Tyya at 20,May,16 10:32

Very valid, pithy, succnict, and on point. WD.


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