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Without purpose or hope

Posted by anonymous at January 8, 2012
Tags: 2012 January  Philosophical

I'm a 21 year old white male, and I recently got terrible news. For various reasons, I won't be able to graduate from college, despite putting time, effort, and money into it for over three years. I haven't had much help. My family is fairly supportive mentally but never materially. I have been nearly homeless, hungry, and afraid as my parents sat back and used their drugs of choice.

I don't believe in God, and I don't believe in humanity. People are motivated by greed and will be as lazy, stupid, and cruel as they can get away with. I've seen things firsthand and through sources like books and the Internet that have robbed me of faith. I've seen a man torture and rape an infant child on camera, and I know there are children out there being hurt as I type, with nothing and no one to help them. They will most likely grow up, if they do grow up, as twisted husks of sadness and agents of cruelty in their own right.

I lament for those children. I cry for the abused dog, for the smallest arbitrary act of evil, the complete pointlessness of the struggle and the reward, whether you "win" or "lose" by the standards of an unremarkable and superstitious majority, is death in all cases. I have been in good situations and bad situations, been comfortable monetarily and in want, alone and with a beautiful woman. Nothing changes. The only reason I haven't killed myself outright is the simple fact that there was a time I can remember that I didn't long to die, and I hope to return there soon.

Accept that there is no fundamental reason to live, and any excuse you can make reeks of confirmaion bias, for obvious reasons. I was a mathematics major, and I don't fear the dark corners of logical reasoning. Camus said that the main question with with every person must occupy him or herself is: Why shouldn't I end my life? The classic soliloquy from Hamlet stands as one of literature's most poignant musings upon this question. But there is no real answer, just the rantings of madmen. You keep going until you decide that life is no longer worth living, nothing more and nothing less.

To the rich who care not for the poor, the poor who do nothing to help themselves, the slothful, the cruel, the superficial, and to those bigots who revel in their own ignorance and fetishize their opinions, know that I hate you, and you steal any sense of justice and honesty from the world. I may grow out of this period of depression, but I will never gain back my faith. The world is bullshit and lies, smoke and mirrors, and a simple coin toss where the stakes are a person's entire existence.


Votes:


Similar Entries:
Chapter 6: Manipulation, objects vs. people. June 1, 2010
No purpose, No drive. December 4, 2011
Purpose. March 19, 2012
ironic January 5, 2012
hopeless January 22, 2012



New Comment

Comments:
By anonymous at 03,Feb,12 00:59

I'm an Iranian American living in the U.S. for more than 10 years. While I'm loved and supported by my family in everything I do, I hate my life more than anything I can think of. I am an atheist and have never been that religious, so I strongly believe that our life is as pointless as a little ant's. The only thing that stops me from committing suicide is the fact that I know my parents would be devastated and for that I have to put on a fake smile and keep on suffering. And trust me when I say this to you, I try to go out there and keep myself busy and keep the negative thoughts away. But, there is so much I can do when I'm all alone facing racist remarks, discrimination, unattractiveness, and the worst of all complete lonliness on a regular basis.
By anonymous at 03,Feb,12 03:24

Dude, jack off and get some good weed. That's all you need. Stop being a bitch. You're better off here than India, though I love your culture. Hell I fucked one of your brownies for about 2 and a half years. She is still amazing and a great friend. I'm a Mexican, shit... Enough said. I get down too man. But then again, I look white, that's what keeps me going. Right? NO! See? That's the kind of shit I get all the time. "I look white." WTF? Why does that make me look better or appear to be more credible..? Fucked up world we live in.. Anyways, dude, I love you fucking Indians. You guys have the best religion and food. Don't forget it. FUCK those faggots man. You guys are on par with Asians, but have bigger dicks from what I hear. You're smart and great workers. Keep it up, hell you guys own the IT world. Ya, stereotypes are usually derived from jealousy. Except for the black stereo types. Those fuckers have it the worst because most of the stereo types for them are true.... See! Cheer up, you're stereotypes are better than the Blacks. Hell, so are mine. We are hard workers, but stupid right? Enjoy being brown man. You're awesome.
By anonymous at 03,Feb,12 20:12

You are a loser.


By anonymous at 03,Feb,12 03:15

Hey faggot, what about you? Where is your life? Why do you worry about others' pain and suffering? If you worried about your grades in college, instead of some lame ass excuse for your "so-called" sadness, you'd be ok. You'd have a degree. Look, I've been there. I have seen it all and have felt angry for pain and suffering, but I realized that I needed some accountability for my own actions. Seriously, you really sound like someone who is really mad at the wrong things. Stop worrying about what the hell is going on and figure out why you are in the wrong. The world has its own reasons for the shit that goes on everyday. Be thankful that you aren't in the predicaments those raped infants are in that you like to watch. If you were such a suicidal faggot, you'd kill yourself, instead of seeking attention on the internet. Stop being a faggot (coward) and get on with your life. You obviously have the will to do better, since you are looking for attention on the internet. Why not get some positive attention. Do something for YOU and others will follow. Be a fucking man. I was you once. Grow the fuck up buddy. Let the guilt kill you for a bit and you will grow stronger. Accept the reasons you fucked up, let them consume you EVERY DAY, to make you better. That's life.
By CynusMom at 03,Feb,12 08:18

Ummm-I think you are trying to be helpful, but you are not. And people who talk suicide are NOT seeking "attention"!....Probably the BIGGEST warning sign for suicide is talking about it - and people sometimes don't talk about it as clearly as this person has, and they end up dying by suicide. What this guy needs is help to get back into a place where he's not seeing the world in a skewed way...yes, there is a lot of bad in the world, but there is also much good. Each of us can contribute to that good - but - when like this person is, one is kind of caught in a dark, hopeless abyss..they need help, professional help, to get back to a little light vs. dark. "Without a Purpose or Hope" describes where he is at. To the original poster: Please seek help. You can feel better, to a new time where you don't long to die. Good luck to you.
By anonymous at 03,Feb,12 13:32

Shut up faggot. This guy needs to realize he fucked up and get over his short comings. He's mad and upset because he fucked up. Now he blames all the world's pain and suffering on wanting to kill himself. I've been there. It's an excuse. Sometimes it's misplaced anger. The anger he should focus on is his. Get his self together and stop acting like a faggot. He can't be god, he can't fix an infant being raped or some asshole in Africa killing another unfortunate asshole. That's life. Look at wild life, we are no different. We are smarter, but the same in the grand scheme of things. So you shut up and go learn how to write or respond to comments. Dummy.
By anonymous at 04,Feb,12 10:55

Talk about misplaced anger--you seem to have that problem, your comments are all angry in tone...get help.....yeah i know, you're just going to say "shut up faggot" again...your standard response...
By anonymous at 04,Feb,12 15:18

Suck it up son! Life aint no bowl of cherries! I have to shingle roofs in rain and sleet. Fell off twice, you won't see me wimperin about it! Dislocated my shoulder so I bashed myself against a tree trunk nearby to snap it back in place. Cut open my thumb, had to sew my own stitches with a needle and thread! Didn't see me blubbering in no emergency room like a sissy faggot! MAN up! Got 20 year old kids working on the site, one asked me for a band-aid after he got a paper cut for crissakes. You know what I did I punched him in the face and said, that cut don't hurt no more do it?
So you see a faggot taking advantage of a woman or child, you hunt him down and then you bash his head against the pavement or you go online to lifesucksdotcom and cry about it to a bunch of women and virgins who jack off to elf chicks in their mothers house. What are you gonna do to make the world a better place? You be a man! Quit being a faggot it aint helpin none. Neither does running away crying. Men are going off to war, killing people and dying in a battle zone. You kids run off to join the armed forces but you're afraid of being men, well you're gonna have to prove yourself some day.
By anonymous at 05,Feb,12 12:52

I don't think I've seen this many cliches in one place in like ever...
By anonymous at 10,Feb,12 12:14

HAHA YOU'RE ALL CALLING EACH OTHER FAGGOT'S stupid! ur suppose to help here not argue cze thats just dumb


By anonymous at 03,Feb,12 10:36

well said, i understand and feel the same


By anonymous at 03,Feb,12 13:36

Good writer though..


By anonymous at 03,Feb,12 13:47

HEY, I READ SOMEWHERE THAT WHATEVER YOUR GOING THROUGH THERE OS SOMEONE GOING THROUGH SOMETHING 10 TIMES WORSE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HELP THE WORLD APART FROM COMPLAINING YOU SEEM LIKE A GOOD HEARTED GUY WITH GOOD INTENTIONS BUT GET A GRIP GET OUT THERE AND LIVE A LITTLE YOU DON'T NEED MONEY TO MAKE FRIENDS SO MAKE SOME.


By anonymous at 03,Feb,12 17:58

Agreed. Very good writer. Now he's someone that should stay here on Earth. I don't know about the rest of you fuckheads calling him a faggot, but he's got very good points and it's enough to make anyone go mad. Plus I thought this site was supposed to get positive feed back and not just Down grade a person because of their feelings ? Why don't you back off and say something helpful or worthwhile ? It doesn't take an idiot to know there's going to be worst things in life. Of course there are. Hey dude having a problem. Your not alone. The fact that you bring yourself down because you care so much shows heart. But at the same time it sounds like maybe something else is going on, and your taking it out on things you've stated. No matter.. I'm not the best at giving advice to people. And I don't claim to be professional or better than in any way. But I do know you can come out of this, and I hope for your sake you've found a way at some point between now and when you posted this. Good luck


By anonymous at 03,Feb,12 20:09

Alot of responses here... funny when I talked about being sexually abused I got none. Op I hear you, but why exactly were you watching a video of a man molesting an infant? Did you report it? If you didn't then that is also on YOUR hands also. YOU need to be the change you want to see in the world! And don't you DARe think that every person who get abused becomes the abuser. If something hurts you enough, then you become repulsed by it, repelled by it. You're going to get alot of shitty advice her by alot of shitty people. Dont expect to get an answer from others. Id give you my email but im a 32 year old woman and you are a 22 year old man, so I dont see a sense in doing that, but if I were more your age maybe I would. Life is discouraging, and there is no winning answer sometimes. But do the best in your situation and dont ever inflict what has been done to you upon others.. ie being a bad parent yourself.

God bless you.


By anonymous at 05,Feb,12 09:26

ignore the haters on this site...i suspect it's only one poster due to the tone. obviously he is trying to prove a point to himself, vs. helping or listening to others in despair. I empathize with what you are feeling and hope that you get some professional help. If you had high blood pressure, you'd go to the doctor. And it sounds like you are having a mood disorder of some sort, which is biochemical, often hereditary, and thankfully treatable-not a sign of weakness. I wish you luck.


By anonymous at 10,Feb,12 12:12

why dont u belive in god then it helps trust me just say to any god eventhough u dont belive in it that plzease change ma life into the greatest life ever!!!


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