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All consuming guilt

Posted by This girl at January 20, 2012
Tags: Anxiety  Attitude  2012 January  Loneliness

I'm sure it comes as no surprise when I say this is the loneliest I have ever felt.

I'm a 20-year-old college student who should be having the time of her life. Instead I spend most of my days alone in my bedroom staring blankly at the wall, my computer screen, or the TV. Every time I think about what I'm missing out on I cry.
My friends all left for college and I stayed home to attend a local community college. I never hear from them. My parents and siblings ignore me even though I practically beg for attention. My father is a drunk and hasn't said more than one word to me each day for months. My siblings never notice the pain I am going through each day.
I have serious anxiety and worry constantly. I am a perfectionist and I am never good enough. I push people away when all I really want is for someone to hold me, to touch me, to tell me it'll be okay. I've never felt any support from anyone in my life, and I don't know how to ask for it.
I am constantly overwhelmed by feelings of guilt. I feel guilty for even writing this because I know there are people out there who are worse off than I am.
I am afraid to be close to anyone. I'm afraid no one will ever love me.
I don't know how to change my negative thinking, but I know if I don't I will never be happy. I feel completely alone.


Votes:


Similar Entries:
want to die June 11, 2012
For "survivors" it doesn't get better January 31, 2012
Lonely January 3, 2012
Don't Know How to Care Anymore November 30, 2008
Suicide can bring happiness November 25, 2009



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Comments:
By anonymous at 09,Feb,12 04:46

You are correct that der r ppl who r going thru most difficult phases of der life. But don't blame urslf. Its human nature,we want more in life. My situation far worse than yours.i have had committed sucide if i hadn't made few net friends. Those friendz r only my net friendz and we haven't meet personally but whenever i feel like giving up or lonely,i open my notebook and get connected to my net friendz, sometimes i weep while chatting but telling you it sooths me so much. I tell them whtever i can't tell to my other family members and friendz( friendz whom i interact in my day to day life,mean not net frndz) so all u need is a net friend,a friend who listen to u,a friend to whom u can share your feelings.But consider her/him only a net friend and dont start dating or something(in case of a male friend)


By anonymous at 09,Feb,12 05:42

It is no wonder you are having such a difficult time, being the child of a Drunk father cause all sorts of issues in their children. Mostly a lot of insecurities, feelings and.worthlessness It is not your fault remember that. You have to be stronger than your father and his drink, and don't allow him to fill you with insecurities and quilt. Try reading the book Keeping Secrets by Suzanne some rs. Also you have the power to change your life dear, only you can do that, no one can do it for you. You will need all your strength to make positive changes in your life. You said you beg for attention, yet when you get it you push people away. Now why would you do that do you think? People may be feeling rejected around you as well, if you push . It is probably not that they don't notice you they don't want to be rejected either, and remember your siblings and mother are dealing with a drunk in the house also. You have to try and be honest with your family about what you are feeling and open your self up to them. Give your mom and siblings a chance too.


By anonymous at 09,Feb,12 08:47

i feel the same, im completely alone as well, i cry as well i do stuff on t'computer etc to forget, whenever i think abowt me life i cry, i just wanna die!


By anonymous at 10,Feb,12 09:10

hi,
it feels like u have written wht i have been going through all my life, it happens with me as well pushing people off when i really want them, i lost people because of my anxity. i think if we people can talk to each other it will help us both, mail me at ashford_kumar@yahoo.co.in, i would be more than happy to share with u


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By anonymous at 10,Apr,12 01:40

Thank you for posting this. I normally don't post or comment on things like this, but I felt it was necessary. I don't even know if you will even read this at all or respond.

I cried reading the last section of your post because I was able to relate to it. I didn't know how to put my feelings into words until I read your post because it's exactly how I feel. It's as if you were writing down my story and feelings. You are not alone...


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