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self destruction

Posted by self destructive at February 15, 2012
Tags: Attitude  2012 February

I am a 51 year old woman and i was 110 pounds over weight(yes i wanted to die from obesity. I have lost 50 pounds in the past 8 monthes and have 60 to go. My life has always had ups and downs financially and personally it really sucked. The last 2 years have been the worst. In May 2010 my father past away and in july 2010 my mother passed away. then my husband and I had to file for bankruptsy and gave our house back to the bank. In november 2010 i had a stress breakdown and spent 3 days in a mental facility. In May 2011 on my birthday my husband of 26 years told me he wanted a divorce. After my suicide attempt 16 zoloft and 2 days in the hospital and 1 more in mental hospital again My brothers and sisters lined out how they wanted my life to be...take my husband for all he had and my son live with my brother and leave my daughter at 18 to live on the streets. I said no and got a 2 bedroom apartment and made friends with my husband so that he would pay my Daughters part of the rent. Now they are mad at me that I do everything wrong. Any way I met a fantastic guy in August and yes it was on line. but his life is going through continuous financial strain. In December my daughter moved out and her rent went with her. My paycheck is 875.00 and rent is 820. my second paycheck of the month is gone before i can pay all my bills. My divorce was finalized in february. MY boyfriend lives 2 hours from me and i mostly go there on the weekends. The price of gas is going up and so those trips are going to be less and less. I want to move there but I cannot leave my Job of 11 years. I am so scared that I am going to self destruct again and leave my boyfriend and lose my children. Life reallllyyyy sucks!!!then you die!!!


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Similar Entries:
Back to jail April 3, 2011
total destruction  May 1, 2012
Chapter 6: Manipulation, objects vs. people. June 1, 2010
a rant July 5, 2011
Another rant... December 19, 2011



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Comments:
By at 23,Feb,12 20:27

First off, congratulations for losing the weight and going through everything that you went through. You seem to have come out and survived. That takes a lot of willpower and strength. I admire you.

I want to say that you should definitely NOT leave your job of 11 years to be with your BF. Never leave your life behind for some guy. And you said yourself that he is in financial straits as well. He might drag you down with him. You should always be financially independent. And why do you have to be the one to always drive 2 hours to him? Why cant he make the effort to come to you once a while? That says a lot. That you go to him and him not to you. Are there no buses or other forms of public transportation that can take either of you to one another? That may be cheaper than driving all the way there.


Try to find some other place to live nearby where the rent is less. You can look online on craigslist or backpage for apartments for rent for 1 person. It should not be too difficult to find one. You seem to have your life on track and I know life is hard and it does suck but do not despair. You've experienced so much and life should not take you down now. Best of luck.
By anonymous at 28,Feb,12 16:27

Thank you for your reply...I feel I am back on my feet a little more. I am not going to leave my job. We are looking for a place that is half way between us. He is now starting to come see me on the weekends and is now able to help me here and there with money.
My lease is up in june. I did try to get a roommate but was unsuccessful and so i will have to suck it up until june.
2 weeks ago i said enough is enough and took all my family members off my phone, email, and facebook. I have let some back on...that way i will not spontaniosly write them and tell them how sorry I am for the things i have done in the past 2 years to only have them write me and tell me how fucked up i am and not to contact them anymore.
now of course i am in contact with my kids...they are awsome and they keep me going
thank you again
hoping not to self destruct


By anonymous at 24,Feb,12 19:21

Maybe the Bf can move in with you to help with rent once he gets on his feet, or maybe you can rent the spare bedroom, but its probably wiser to downsize like the 1st poster said. I'm kinda skeptical of craigslist though. You did the right thing with your divorce. Your 18 year old daughter would have been raped if you threw her out in the streets... it's not easy to live like the 1970s. Your siblings sound like a bunch of twats. Of course its the best to be on good speaking terms with your ex. Follow your heart, but have the courage to do so thats the hardest part.


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