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no time left for you

Posted by anonymous at February 20, 2012
Tags: Family  2012 February

My mother is a hoarder. I thought she was getting herself together but she isn't. About three months ago she told me she was waiting for her cat to die, that it was a natural process. The cat had stopped eating and was falling over occasionally. She had not taken the 16 year old cat to the vet since it was like a year old. I explained to her that the cat could not tell her if it was hurting or sick, but that it would be cruel to not find out what was wrong with her. Mom said she didn't want to treat the cat - I again explained that it would not be cruel to euthanize the cat, but that the cat would die in horrible pain if she did not do *something* so we took the cat, found out it was in kidney failure, and had a heart murmur.

She got the cat euthanized. She got a new cat. It was after I had gone to visit to meet the new cat that I realized that my mother's home smelled pretty bad. Now, her toilet had been broken for about 6 months, but it still worked if she poured a bucket of water through it. However, I found out that she has now been going to the bathroom in a garbage bag stuck in the toilet. She didn't think it was a problem. She didn't want to have someone fix it. I freaked out and told her she had to fix it or I wasn't coming over anymore. She asked "do you want us to not talk anymore, because that is where this conversation is headed" well I could not believe that she would value a filthy feces filled toilet more than me. She did. She has not spoken to me in almost two months. I heard from my grandmother that she did get the toilet fixed. It took her two months of shitting in a garbage bag to decide to take care of the problem. Not that this is the worst thing in the world, but I invited her to my first art show, and she didn't come. Then I invited her to another, she didn't want to come. I asked if she would ever come to one of my shows, she said no - it is too much effort. Well fuck her. It's too much effort for me to give a shit if she burns to death in that firetrap of a house she lives in.

The rest of my family says I should not have spoken to her or mentioned calling adult protective services, that I should have talked to her sister first. Well my mother told me not to tell the rest of the family - which is completely inappropriate. I understand her shame but I can not keep her secrets anymore. She did so many bad things to me, in front of me, and around me that the idea of keeping even one of her secrets is too much for me anymore.

My family says that because she is their daughter and sister, they will choose her every time, instead of me. Unless it's my birthday, which they have skipped and asked me to reschedule in the past. One fucking day a year. Fuck these people. I'm done.

So now I have no parents, and no family. I'm 34 years old. My father has been dead for 14 years - I never knew him so I guess I'm not missing anything.

I saw a therapist when I was about 11 or 12. She said my problem was that I needed to stop being the parent in our relationship. My mother and aunt said I lied, that I was a bad kid, pathological and sociopathic, and that I had manipulated the therapist to get her to say that. They were getting drunk in front of me every night. Once, my mother stripped to her underwear and listened to the same Cher song for three hours straight at top volume, singing along and drinking and painting a hideous abstract painting. She frequently hosted parties for her scumbag coworkers and had me serve their drinks and empty their ashtrays. I was 11. It was not a good time.

Anyway, I just had to share this somewhere. I long to put it on my personal website, but I have this last clinging bit of misplaced loyalty that won't quite let me do it. I hope I can get over that, because all this shit would make a great book.


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New Comment

By anonymous at 27,Feb,12 20:02

Destroy your idols.

By anonymous at 27,Feb,12 20:34

Sounds like my mom, will do dishes in the bathtub before she tells the landlord the sink is clogs, cats messes and the whole bit. When I come to visit I bust my ass cleaning, it is exhausting, luckily she works so I just toss things out and clean up when shes away, she thanks me later too, thank God.

By anonymous at 27,Feb,12 22:08

just leave them

By anonymous at 28,Feb,12 00:17

One thing you must know is: those people don't deserve to have you in their lives, including your mother, from the sound of it. Break away from those people. Set yourself free. Feel no guilt. You didn't cause their problems and you are under no obligation to solve their problems. I'd move away from them and leave no forwarding address, no phone number, NOTHING. Trust me. They are abusers and users. You deserve better. Find yourself a life and live it. I wish you the best.

By anonymous at 24,Jul,12 22:15

Hi, I'm the OP. I've been in therapy for 5 months now. I know that this situation is wrong, and that I can't fix it. Thank you all for your encouragement. It means a lot to me. Part of my problem is that I don't trust myself sometimes, I fear that I am some sort of monster, hiding my true self from everyone including my therapist & myself. Most of the time I know that's not true, that idea comes from being told that I am defective from such a young age.

I want my family to come to therapy with me, but if they won't, then I am not going to waste any more time on them. I can't let them ruin any more of my life. I have friends & a great boyfriend, and I guess that is my new family. I'm sad that things happened this way, but if they aren't ready to look at themselves in counseling then there is nothing I can do right now. Cheers.

By crorkz matz at 06,Aug,14 00:37

KnEniI Wow, great blog article.Really thank you! Great.

New Comment