LIFE SUCKS

Fuel For Fire

I figure writing might help, or at least make me feel better.

I deserve no pity, I've had the best of opportunities and the people who've written these other stories are far stronger than I have ever had to be.

Almost two years ago I met the girl who was the first girl I slept with. We met through a work internship. At that point I considered myself a pretty solid Christian who was pretty straight edge. No smoking, drinking, swearing, sex before marriage etc. She was Egyptian and extremely attractive. I didn't even really consider a relationship until she came on to me. After we started sleeping together we got really close. After the internship ended we moved away, her to Ohio and me to Florida.

She slowly drifted apart from me. But once we were separated, I actually started to have stronger feelings for her. I visited her a few times and she visited me for a week at one point. Things got bad and she started ignoring me. During this year I slowly disintegrated.

My faith in Christianity shriveled, I despised going to church and the people there. I started drinking alcohol alone, just to get drunk. I started smoking incense, also known as synthetic marijuana. I ate psilocybin mushrooms ('magic' mushrooms). I get mad at just about anything, and I am depressed most days. I considered suicide, but not seriously.

I should have the balls to get over her and find someone new. For some reason I can't. Its a struggle that feels unbearable most days. My relationship with her changed me significantly. In a few ways it was for the good, but in reality it has been for the bad.

Love that has been lost can do unbelievable things to a person. Sometimes you move on. Sometimes you don't.

For those of you out there struggling over a lost love, desperate to get out but yet trapped, I'm there with you.