started this life with a poor large family, parents constantly displaying acts of violence through out my childhood.dad was always working his bones off to support sick mother and family(15hrs day mostly), while trying to defend and secure the relationship.
i ended up giving up and leaving at 13. lived ok and continued to educate myself. going ok till i went bak to home town(age 15),to be a bit closer. started to hate mum(the acts of violence were too much)and couldn,t believe the fact dad was still trying to sustain love and there relationship
my bad decisions soon follower after that.
i started to smoke pot and stealing anything to sustain the habit. left school and went to the street side of life.
i moved alot from here(most states).
(within the next 5 years i ended up with a rap sheet a dozen pages long)
one thing i never have done is a violent act.
ended up in vic on street, taking coke, speed, any thing i can get, stealing cars, making drugs.( not making money just support habit)after trying to get full education (11 and 12 in 1 year).
went bak home town and to my amaizment divorce was being spoken about. happened
devorce finally happened
still resent mum. but glad dad happly married now for 2 years from now.
back to me
i went straight for nearly 2 years and lapsed once so i agreed to do drug counseling(god bless the salvation army). i did discharge myself but have been straight ever since.i have been working my bones off because my life is lonley.
(now age 32) every time i put my heart out on the line, i end up getting rejected or ditched for someone else. this has lowered my self asteam constantly through out my life and i realise now the fact i dont know what love is. i am prepared for it but scared to start.
i dont have much heart left and i am tired of working alot to fill the void of companinship.
god i want to be normal and be loved by someone special.
the last 3 years i hav secured a defence job, cleared my prior criminal debts / now own a expencive car have a great place to come home to.
i cant live this by myself, i am not a desperate type, i have only meet a few woman i am interest in, because i dont want a bad situation.
I AM TOO SCARED TO COMMIT MYSELF TO ANYBODY.
i dont want to resort to getting in a relationship just to be in one.
i feel like no one important to me loves me.
and cant keep putting myseft out there.
i have been in reserve for a long time after thinking i will meet someone someday that will accept me.
i have now lost the hope again, at least till i get over the lonlyness again.
HOW MANY MORE YEARS DO I HAVE LEFT!!!!!!!!!!