Well, I guess I might as well tell my story. This might be a long story, you don't have to read it.. I'm not going to say that I'm a victim of anything. I'm not. I am more of the offender, or the person who causes bad things. I was born in 1996 so I'm turning 16 this year. My first house was blue and it had one bedroom, 1 bathroom, a kitchen and a front room. My sister, mother, father and I shared these for a time before my dads accident. I really don't remember much of how my father used to be really. I only know what my mom told me. He wasn't home much, usually out partying. He abused my mom(I'm not sure mentally or physically) he didn't help her with anything. He was mean. My mom was depressed but she kept going for us. When I was in 3rd grade my dad had a motorcycle accident. He wasn't wearing a helmet. I hadn't even noticed he was missing for a day or two. He crashed landing right in with a fence, somehow it must have torn it's way into the left side of his brain. He was in a comma for 3 months, and I am still not sure if he's the same man he was before the accident. Mom says he's still mean, just behind my back. During the time he was in his comma, our house had to be evacuated. When it was built, it was built wrong so black mold had spread through it. We would have died if we stayed any longer. We went to stay with my Aunt. I thought she was nice.. I didn't know she called my sister names to her face. I also didn't understand why my mom looked so sad when she found out that while we stayed there, everyday my aunt would have us cleaning or fixing something, even until our hands were red. We were still in 3rd grade. After my mom and aunt got into a big argument we had to leave. Thankfully we were building a new house at the time, it was almost finished. So my dad got out of the hospital, maybe a month after that. We had to get rid or hide(I forget) all of his guns, because the doctor said if we made him mad he wouldn't think twice about killing us. I am not exaggerating. He was very easy to upset. Living with him wasn't bad, well, for me I guess it wasn't. I think he loved me. My mom told me when I was gone he tried to attack my sister, so my mom, thank god she's strong,:) she actually threw him into the wall, leaving a big hole and they had to call 911. When I came back that weekend everything was clean and nice. I didn't know what had happened until very later on. And now this is the part that I start to feel bad. I am a stupid kid, I never knew and I still don't know what's wrong with me. I'm just a terrible person and I deserve what I get. One day my friend was over, I never really liked her, she was pretty much a forced friend because my mom had to babysit her. I got mad at her and left her playing out in the front room and I went into my sisters bedroom and locked the door so she couldn't get in. My dad must have gotten mad or something, so he came yelling at me to open the door so I did. Now somewhere in between this point I threw a piece of paper at him I think. I don't know what to say about what he did. So I guess I over reacted, now don't imagine him beating the crap out of me. I don't even think he touched me. later on that night I brought it up to mom. Let's skip to what I made happen. So my mom filed for divorce, even if I bring it up today she says he was a violent man. So let's keep going.My mom met this guy. I won't say I hate him. He didn't understand or vise verse. I think he liked my sister better. Since the first year we lived with him I wanted to leave. I went insane. And I mean that literally. I'm pretty sure my friends hated me, I was even sick of myself. I resorted to bad things, I wont say what. He called us stupid, fat, and ugly an unlimited amount of times. Do you understand what that can do to a girl who's just trying to be happy. It hurts. Every night and day it hurts. Especially when you look in the mirror. We got to move into his house around 4th grade. See how fast these things move. I wasn't afraid to just wear a t-shirt or put my hair up or talk. Hence the word afraid. I could do it but I was just starting to become quiet. After awhile I couldn't wear clothes that weren't baggy. Anything that showed me was off limits. I still think I'm too fat, no matter how many people say I'm skinny. I practically stopped talking to everyone else, except my friends that I've had since kindergarten, but I took whatever frustration and hate out on them that I had. That shows you how bad of a friend I am. I don't know when I stopped making eye contact, it's still hard for me to do. So to mix in with all this, starting 5th grade I stared getting welts. Later on to realize they were hives, also later on finding out it's an immunity disorder I get that also involves stress. So I have to work out a lot and or take these pills everyday to save myself time from scratching myself until I practically bleed. If you have never had hives all over your body, from head to toe. Everywhere at once. You wont understand how bad they can be, especially when they go untreated for a year. I wasn't able to sleep those years, following every night by crying about everything I do and have done wrong. Now lets look at the big picture. During all this time(I will try to make this sound the best I can, I do not mean to insult any Christians) my mother is a good-heartd woman, she tries her best to raise me a christian. My sister has no hope in God because my father convinced her he isn't real. My mom is happy he hadn't gotten to me yet. I've always felt held down and then held up-like highs and lows. I simply cannot handle it at the moment. So even if I do tell my mom I do not want it, she still tries to push it on me without even recognizing it. So I also feel condemned to die.Now lets continue with 8th grade . My friends had stared a period of ditching me to go have sex with her boyfriend. I still think she is stupid. This new girl, well she was new in 7th grade, she was kind of an acquaintance. We started talking and very soon became close friends. I love her with my entire heart and I cannot live without her, She made me sane and so happy, she got me into sports and I started feeling confident. But things can't start going right. This is my life, they will never go exactly right. Now after 4 long years of trying to convince my mom to leave her boyfriend. She decides to. I had to move away from my first real best friend. The only person who can truly make me laugh and be happy for hours.Because my mom is in college and has no unemployment anymore after getting layed off her job a few years ago, we can't afford a house. So we move in with my aunt and uncle. A different one. I thought they were nice. We live in their attic. My aunt married into my family, she. She, at first when she said don't be shy or come hang out with us. Fuck, no. She's insane. In her head she was probably saying I hate you. We have been accused of so many things by her, yelled at like we damn kids. We can't say or do anything without getting in trouble with her. My mom doesn't know when we'll be able to move, or where we're going. Without unemployment I don't know what's going to happen. And if she moves back in with her ex she said she'll marry him. I just know when I'm older, I don't want to stay here, I want to go as far from my past as I can and start over. But im stuck and i will be for the next 4 years. When I wrote this my goal wasn't to upset, offend, or do anything. I don;t expect anyone to read this, it's too long and boring and it's not terrible. I really tried not to exaggerate anything, thank you for any support you give to me. But I trust God things will get better, someday. | |
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