I live in a fantasy world. My life currently involves sleeping and playing video games. I developed severe social anxiety when I was 13 (now mid 20's) and effectively have lost the will to live at this point. I live with my mother, no job, no friends, not even a license. I am chronically ashamed of my life and do everything I can to hide it. My biggest fear is being unoccupied; to let my mind remain idle is the scariest experience relative to the world I live in (let alone the real world, outside, that is something I haven't experienced in years). I have a deep inferiority complex that's hidden beneath a superiority complex that I can barley maintain. My personality is defined by my pathologies; my own identity alludes me; I disassociate from myself due to this crippling guilt that pervades every aspect of my pathetic little life. I cry myself to sleep every night. I am sadistic towards myself and hate myself at so many levels; I hate myself for hating myself because the reasons for hating myself are values that I cannot seem to shake which produces this cognitive dissonance which just causes even further frustration. Denial is my best friend. I don't even know who I am anymore, I feel like I live in a dream and would dearly like this dream to end but I'm too much of a coward go do it myself. | |
JJ, buddy, I get what you're talking about. And as difficult as it may seem, the best thing for you to do is step out and interact. Believe me, there are billions of people out there and I bet in those billions there are at least a few who'd be into the same stuff as you are. Human connection and interaction have a way of ironing out the bad stuff. The first few weeks or months will be awkward, but it'll get better. There's a whole world to see, bud. Even if you don't care to interact, make an effort to get out more...even if it's by yourself. You'll be surprised as to where life can lead you. It has a way of making things better, if you let it.
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