I've always had issues.
When I was a child I was diagnosed with mild schizophrenia, ADD (which no longer exists) which had to be changed to ADHD even though I wasn't hyperactive. Later in life, bipolar, anxiety disorder were added to the list. In my current stage of life, I'm experiencing this horrible constant pain in my stomach. Me and my doctor havent been able to figure out what it is yet. It just hurts so bad I can never get enough relief. I've never been entirely sure whats wrong with me. Why I suck so bad at making and keeping friends. I used to think everyone hated me because I'm fat and slow. Its just humiliating when you're already the most hated kid on the playground, but then they want to transfer you to special ed too? Even at that age I knew I couldn't allow it or people would just make fun of me more. In grade school. Yes, it was already that fucking bad that early in my life. The few friends I did have used to tell me they felt like my stepdad liked my brother more than me. I didn't believe them at the time cuz I was the most horribly naive child and I believed everything my parents said, even if it didn't make sense to me, I would just accept it. They told me both of them loved me and my brother equally, so I knew it must be true and my friends were mistaken, More on that later.
Things ran that same old course til I was about 12 and my mom announced we'd be moving from Oregon to New Mexico. I thought it sounded like a great idea til it actually happened. I thought "Heres my chance to actually be popular" (keep in mind how young I was when all that matters is how popular you are at school). I never fathomed that New Mexico could be worse, but it was. For some reason my family moved A LOT. I really don't know why. I was the new kid like five times in just one year that I lived there. I was a virgin then, and suddenly all the things the kids were saying to me didn't make sense. I barely understood any sexual jokes made towards me, which of course was even more of a reason to make fun of me. Everyone always asks why I didn't stand up for myself. I say I did, but then I realized how pointless it is when its all against one. It doesn't matter what I say because no ones on my side. So then they ask why I didn't ever become violent. Oh god how I wanted to. But if there was one thing to me that was even scarier than the kids ridiculing me, it was my parents yelling at me. So like I always have, I was just forced to sit there and take it. The teachers would never do anything unless you told them, but why tell if everyones just gonna call you a snitch? Theres no way to win. So what do I decide is the only thing I can do? Kill myself, so I try and fail of course, landing myself in the mental hospital. Oh and guess what? Yep, the hospital was even worse than school. I couldn't even believe there could be a worse place, where kids could be even more mean and hateful.. And somehow... It was always me against everyone else. I read somewhere that people who have been molested have a higher chance of it happening again. Does that principle apply to being hated? Cuz really this is ridiculous!
From the ages of 13 to 16, I went through the same pattern over and over again. Decent, depressed, suicidal, hospital, released, repeat.
Meanwhile my stupid stepdad was making it more and more clear how he felt about me and how my brother is better. He still denies it to this day. What I find funny is how everyone agrees with my except my mom, and stepdad. And when I say everyone I mean EVERYONE. Every friend who mat them, every boyfriend, every friend of a friend, every other family member, EVERYONE. So how fucking conveninet is that forme? No one could help me even if they wanted to, and all I could do was try to be patient and wait for my chance to move out. Needless to say it didn't happpen any time soon. Countless suicide attempts and fights between me and everyone later, he finally crosses my last line by saying.. You're gonna love this.. That I am lazy because I DIDN'T want to apply for unemployment, never mind that just days before I had gone to a temp agency that is 30 minutes away from me to hopefully find work. So I say he is equally as lazy because he fucking is, so he decides to kick me out. So here I am at my friends house...
Now I'm 22 and theres so much to type inbetween that time and now its completely overwheliming. I had meant to type everything but I just can't any more. Long story short, nothing ever gets better and I'm sick of it all.